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Need advice and help please



New member
Dec 27, 2012
Hi there, apologies I posted this thread in a different forum then saw this and thought it was a better forum to post it in.

Hi guys,

I am hoping some of you can give me some advice,

I have a friend who I've known for many years, me and other friends have sort of always known that he was "never all quite there" for want of a better way to express it, mainly as he struggles in day to day social situations and finds it hard to get through a day by himself without some drama... he will do things like get on the wrong bus in the wrong direction... numerous times and only realise when he gets to the end of the line he's gone the wrong way, sleep all night with the light on and then complain of a bad nights sleep and when he's challenged he'll be like "oh i forgot to turn the light off"... it's very frustrating, like he sees a problem or issue yet doesn't seem to know about how to fix it. He also has constant problems budgeting money and every month he'll be short forcing one of us to tide him over until payday... yet he never learns! He can't cook, doesn't learn things easily by himself, has been let go from a number of jobs because he can't pick up skills... etc etc. I hope this somehow explains the type of mental issue he may have.

His family situation I think is part of the problem, he doesn't get along with them and from what he's told me there is a long history of mental health problems within the family, none of them work, his mum was schizoprenic, his aunt committed suicide... it's all desperately sad yet he's stuck living with them because he can't save and support himself alone, and moving in with us or other friends is not an option as we can't cope with the pressure of having to look after him.

Anyway the reason I now turn to look for other help for him is that its become apparent he has a problem with his sight, I'm not sure how long this has been going on as you never get the full story as he doesn't open up but his sight even with glasses is so bad he can barely see an object or screen in front of him and it's now significantly blighting his life, causing him more problems at work and making him very depressed and drink too much at times, when he's drunk he's a complete nightmare waking up in bushes, walking into the wrong person's house etc!! and we're the ones the next day searching for him and calling the police etc because his family don't give a damn. But the main issue here is this sight problem, he went to an optometrist and was told his problem was serious and could get worse, he has some disease affecting his eyes, yet nothing is being done about it, I took three attempts at telling him to go to the doctors (always the response, "yes ill get round to it!", he struggles to book appointments and express his wishes over the phone) and when he finally did go (and it's not because he sees for himself he has to go, it's more because I'm nagging him and telling him he has to go), he walked away from the appointment with the doctor apparently saying there's nothing to worry about, which is so frustrating because there clearly is! I know exactly what would have happened, he would not have the confidence and skills, possibly feel embarrassed, to express whats really going on therefore the full story won't have been told and his doctor probably fobbed him off, which he just would accept and walk away. He NEEDS someone he can confide in who can fight his corner, make decisions for him, give him the support he needs, his family don't give a damn and now it's got to the point where I and my other friends can't be there for him, it's ruining our friendship, I personally feel I'm responsible for him and it's affecting my life now. He's 31 years of age yet acts much much younger and has no common sense or responsibility for himself, no matter how much over the years we have told him time and time again where he is going wrong and what he should be doing to sort himself out.

Finally one more issue to throw into the mix is that he appreciates any help me and some other friends have given him in the past he somehow interpreates this as sexual feelings towards them, when drunk hes made sexual advances on me and other friends when we've become close to him and helped him out with his issues. As you can imagine this only increases my hesistance to help him out more than absolutely neccessary. Day to day he doesn't have an active sex life and I believe other than a few drunken fumbles with people he remains a virgin.

I'm now posting this message to ask if you understand where I'm coming from with this and if there's anything you can suggest I can do, maybe somewhere he can get the help and support he needs from professionals to deal with his day to day problems, or somewhere he can get an official diagnosis of if he does have mental or learning disablilites (as it's never been officially confirmed, he dropped out of school at a young age as his family didn't care) so he can possibly receieve care he is entitled to.

I love him so much as a friend but really don't know who to turn to anymore.

Many thanks guys


Hi pendolino,

Welcome to the forums! I hope you find some help and advice here.

I understand that it must be worrying for you seeing your friend struggle. The first thing to be noted is that your friend needs help, understanding and support, especially by those closest to him. From what you've said, it sounds like you are one of those such people.

It is not my place to say what is actually wrong with him, as I am not an expert. However, as you said, it is possible that he has some sort of learning difficulty that is making life for him particularly hard, rather than another mental illness. This is possibly something that he can't control and so only a professional can diagnose and treat. Is there a possibility that his doctor does know what is wrong and your friend has not passed this info on to you-he could feel embarassed about the way he is?

Considering he is an adult and is in no danger (by the sounds of it) to either himself or others, it is his decision whether or not to get further help from professionals.

Does he communicate how he feels about things? Ultimately, what is important here is that he is well enough to look after himself. Do you feel able to continue a friendship with him the way he is? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be there for him-that is up to you, but please realise that he possibly needs people he can rely on and accept him as he is. If you do want to help him, you perhaps need to be willing to be there when he needs you-show him that you understand, be patient and offer to take him to the doctors if he wants you to do so.

Please feel free to talk more about this if you so wish-I am happy to listen.

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