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Need a therapists perspective

J

JustCurious

New member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
2
Location
San Antonio
When you're trying to get your mental health in order, is it the right thing to cut off all the people who affect your mental health in a negative way?

I keep trying to start over with my life and my life is a mess. I quit jobs because of bad management or sexual harassment. I'm having a hard time finding a good paying job to support myself due to my inconsistent work history. I dont have a place of my own and live with my ex mother in law who has been the only supportive person in my life. I distanced myself from my toxic mother and stepfather. I left behind a life long friend who only called me when she was having a crisis then ignoring me the rest of the time. I've been working at it for quite a few years now and keep failing but honestly keeping those people at a distance has helped me significantly. I'm less depressed, anxious, and more at peace.

There is one person I still have in my life and he frustrates me. He keeps trying to change me or "fix" me when I know I am capable of handling it on my own. He thinks he knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling all the time. It's got to the point where I'm so fed up with it and do not find it helpful or supportive. It's almost like he gets high off of it when he does actually get it right or because I am so appreciative when he does, he continues and takes it too far.

There's nothing really wrong with me other than the battle I have with depression and unsupportive family members. The things they say about me weigh me down. I try not to care and stay true to myself but I end up believing that maybe they're right and I'm useless as a person, inevitably proving them right. I've been working hard at keeping my spirits up- telling myself affirmations, listening to positive and encouraging music, exercise, staying off of social media, etc.

I've asked him to leave me alone but he keeps coming back saying we need to work on things together and I like doing things on my own. I understand he may be trying to help but he takes everything I do personally and turns things that I'm trying to fix independantly regarding my mental health and my life into a personal attack on him. We dont actually spend real time together and I'm an action oriented person. He constantly wants to talk about feelings. I have attacked him in the past because of it and flat out told him I hated him (I really dont, I hate what he is doing) because I'm frustrated that he doesn't seem to understand that I'm trying to let the mistakes of my past go, not letting it define me, keep going forward and all he ever does is remind me. Other than that, when hes not criticizing me or accusing me of taking him for granted, I like him as a person.

I'm emotionally exhausted and this is every day with him. I don't want to sit in my emotions anymore. I want to live in the moment not focusing so much on how I feel and move on.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
Messages
8,478
Location
England
I think when you are most vulnerable, it is natural to want to isolate more and keep stress or stressful people away. People are great at giving advice, but at the end of the day, it is your life and you and you need to make your own decisions. What is right for one person is not right for another.

If it is possible to see other people, without inviting 'advice' from them, that is great, but then you will have to say that you are fine.

If anyone criticises you, that is their issue. They need to stop. We cannot criticise others either. We have to say firmly, i don't want to hear criticisms, or please don't interfer in my life and decisions, if i need your help, i will ask for it.

Firm boundaries

People treat us how we let them treat us sometimes.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,433
Location
Nashua NH
I agree with Tawny about the necessity for stronger boundaries and expectations within this relationship. This person seems well meaning but their actions are actually harmful to you and that is not pleasant or productive. I would tell him what you told us about liking him not when he is pushing his “help” onto you or forcing you to talk about feelings all the time. I would let him know what is acceptable or desirable to you in the relationship and what isn’t. Let him know that you have needed to cut out a lot of people from your life and you don’t want to cut him out but that you will have to it the relationship doesn’t change. xo, j
 
J

JustCurious

New member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
2
Location
San Antonio
Thank you and you're right. My go to is ghosting when I feel like I'm not being heard and I wind up feeling guilty about it. I've tried ghosting him but he keeps finding me. I really feel like he's unhealthily obsessed with me. I've told him several thousand times in so many different ways what he is doing isn't pleasant or productive and it's like in one ear and out the other. I just want to get back on my feet, have fun, and enjoy my life. I really feel he is holding me back. I've told him this.

He's going through his own shit and I guess we wound up using eachother as emotional scapegoats blaming eachother for the burdens we both carry in our lives. I made so many mistakes with him. I'm not completely innocent. I either mirrored or I reacted negatively to his behavior, in turn, it made things worse for both of us. I dont know how to change the dynamic and I feel I'm better off without him. I'm at a loss with this situation because he won't respect my boundaries. My motive now has been driving him away and I really don't want to. At the same time, it seems there isn't any other option. I want out of this and I will tell him the wonderful advice you guys gave me. Thank you.
 
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