Narcissistic SIL is destroying me.

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painauchoc

New member
Joined
Apr 28, 2019
Messages
1
Location
France
#1
Hi everyone,

I'm new here :) My story is a bit long, but I'll try and keep it short - I just need to vent!

I moved to France to be with my French partner nearly 5 years ago. Approximately 3 weeks after I arrived, my SIL began her campaign against me (she is a complete narcissist and I am the total opposite; very shy, socially anxious). This little episode of running me down ended with her mum accusing me of only making **** for their family and her dad stating that 'I am not the sort of person who can live here'. My partner took my side during this time and I eventually managed to pull myself together and invited his mum for a coffee where she was forced to apologise. All was ok for the next few years, although SIL and FIL never apologised.

About 2 years later, my SIL (who I treaded carefully around, but was ok with) told me about an opportunity at her workplace where my language would be an asset, it would be great etc. I was cautious, especially working with 'family' but agreed as was struggling to find a job due to my lack of French and the job was extremely well paid. The contract was just for a year and, at the beginning, it was absolutely fine, but then the bullying began. SIL told my MIL that I wanted to hide my money from my partner amongst other things (MIL absolutely obsessed with money). Some things would be really insiduous. Some days she would be nice to me, others she was just foul so I never knew where I stood. She once had a relatively nice conversation with me (during which she told me I was 'too sensitive'), but told her mum that it took a lot for her to basically lower herself to my level. Behind my back, she was telling my in-laws a whole host of lies and turning them against me. Up until I moved to France, I had a good relationship with all of them. I had and have never been anything other than polite.

In September (9 months into my 12 month contract so no problem), we told them I was pregnant (I was 35 at the time and, having been with my partner for 6 years, felt the time was right). I came back to the UK to tell my family and my partner stayed here to tell his family. My MIL looked at the scans expressionless and asked if we had thought about abortion, FIL said it would take to time get used to as once again, I am not the sort of person who can live here. SIL just exploded and kept spewing out rubbish...I will take the baby back to England, I'm only doing it for the money etc. My SIL and MIL then started spreading rumours to anyone they could, including mutual friends, and my SIL told a few people that she hoped my pregnancy wouldn't reach term (of course they both deny this now). As a result, my partner didn't speak to his family until my daughter was 6 months old. They now see her occasionally at the weekends but it fills me with rage as they have never apologised and nor do they have any intention of doing so. My partner, in the last few months, has started talking to his sister again. I have said that she is not to see our daughter and so far, my partner has agreed with me on this, however; when he told her, she said that I would have to allow it at some point - no remorse, just classic narcissism.

I have been really struggling with the whole situation for nearly 3 years now. My partner is very close to his family (although he knows they are very controlling over him, which drives him mad) and I think he struggles with the fact that he didn't speak to them for a year. I have never said that he shouldn't talk to his family, on the contrary, I encouraged him to do so, but the situation makes me feel like a complete nobody. Apparently, I am not mentioned at all and it's like they don't recognise my role in bringing their granddaughter into the world and making sure that she's healthy and happy. The other thing playing on my mind is that one day my daughter is going to ask why I never attend their family events. How can I just say it's because I'm not welcome!? Also, I have noticed a progressive change in my partner's attitude towards me since he's started talking to them again; I know how manipulative they can be. He says he now has two families that he has to divide his time between, but that is a whole other conversation.

I was bullied at school, but to be at the end of adult bullying by a 'family' member is literally destroying me. I've been on anti-depressants, but I'm trying to find a solution without them now as this is so on-going. I know my SIL is a highly jealous person (she never got on with partner's ex's either), but it doesn't make it easier, because I have my daughter and her emotional needs to think about. I overthink, I am angry, upset and I feel that it's not even near the end now she's back in the picture again. Does anyone have any wise words?

Thank you :)
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
864
#2
The best thing you can do is let them own their issues and you just focus on your own life and your new family.

The only opinion that matters is that of your spouse and you’ve indicated that he’s on your side. Encouraging him to remain close to his family will help him. It shows him support, and grace, so that he doesn’t feel he has to decide between you and them.

They sound like terrible people, but you can limit your exposure to them. Right now you are giving them too much power by caring what about what they say. The less you care, the more you can take your own power back.

And I will wager the minute you let go and focus on what’s more important, your child and your husband, the better they will treat you.

If they aren’t getting a reaction from you, you take away their power.
 
daffy

daffy

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
4,089
Location
hiding behind the sofa
#3
I would keep your distance from them but explain to your husband why you are doing it. They sound like a very toxic family. Maybe once the family realise they are missing out on their grandaughter they may realise that their behaviour is not acceptable.