Narcissistic mother

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Lou84

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Hi everyone is anybody able to give me advice on how to cope with my abusive t mother who is also an addict who depends on me for years as she is irresponsible and thinks she can just spend her money on drugs and anything other than her bills but at this moment in time its the worst its ever been i have to basically provide for her like i would my children beccause she spends all her money on drugs she manipulates and degrafes me constantly and im stuck i just cant cope anymore
 
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dewey

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I'm so so sorry you're in this position.
Addiction is a massive problem, because it's so very difficult for addicts to change, but the people that love them always think they will and hope they will. But more often than not, very sadly, they don't. Addiction is powerful. I feel your pain.

It sounds inhumane but there comes a point where you realise you are powerless to change someone else. I'm not sure if you have accepted that yet but it is extremely hard to accept. We always want to change those we love. But we have to accept our powerlessness over their addiction and that their addiction is not our responsibility. Their emotions are not our responsibility.
Say it aloud, say it loud and clear:
I am not responsible for someone else who brings me nothing but pain.

Being in contact or in the presence of anyone who manipulates you or degrades you, and uses you, is a terrible thing and something you should not put up with.

Your life is about you and your kids now. You need to put yourself first. You need to put your kids first.

Some things in life we cannot change, no matter how much we want to. My advice would be to dissociate yourself from your mother, though many would say it is inhumane, she is destroying her own life anyway, but if you let her in yours, she destroys yours too. That's two lives destroyed instead of one.

And more importantly you need to love yourself.

God bless xxx
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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I can't speak from personal experience but have you thought about support for yourself and maybe see about drug support services for her ? X
 
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Lou84

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I'm so so sorry you're in this position.
Addiction is a massive problem, because it's so very difficult for addicts to change, but the people that love them always think they will and hope they will. But more often than not, very sadly, they don't. Addiction is powerful. I feel your pain.

It sounds inhumane but there comes a point where you realise you are powerless to change someone else. I'm not sure if you have accepted that yet but it is extremely hard to accept. We always want to change those we love. But we have to accept our powerlessness over their addiction and that their addiction is not our responsibility. Their emotions are not our responsibility.
Say it aloud, say it loud and clear:
I am not responsible for someone else who brings me nothing but pain.

Being in contact or in the presence of anyone who manipulates you or degrades you, and uses you, is a terrible thing and something you should not put up with.

Your life is about you and your kids now. You need to put yourself first. You need to put your kids first.

Some things in life we cannot change, no matter how much we want to. My advice would be to dissociate yourself from your mother, though many would say it is inhumane, she is destroying her own life anyway, but if you let her in yours, she destroys yours too. That's two lives destroyed instead of one.

And more importantly you need to love yourself.

God bless xxx
I absolutley know your right thanks for your advice im probably hoping for someone to give me a new way of looking at it but you are right i should walk away but i dont think i will be able to live with myself knowing she has nothing or knobody ! Thankyou xx
 
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Lou84

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I can't speak from personal experience but have you thought about support for yourself and maybe see about drug support services for her ? X
Hi thanks for the rey ive tried getti g support for my mother and theres nothing that really changes things to be honest ! I went to my doctors and im waiting for an appointment to speak to a councillor hopefully thus is going to help xx
 
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dewey

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I absolutley know your right thanks for your advice im probably hoping for someone to give me a new way of looking at it but you are right i should walk away but i dont think i will be able to live with myself knowing she has nothing or knobody ! Thankyou xx
agree with Urban Hermit, there are definitely support services available for families.
I feel an in person support group can be more helpful than a phoneline, at times:
Home
Drug addiction: getting help

If your mother is one of those who sees no cure in sight for herself, and doesn't want help, then getting help for her would be difficult ride and that's why I say you need to put yourself first.
I imagine you have probably tried to get her help before.

Your mother should have a drug and alcohol social worker in the least. Other links:
Drug addiction: getting help
 
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dewey

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I know you feel responsible for your mothers problems but I really think you need to realise you are not.
People with low self esteem don't tend to put themselves first.
You need to start putting yourself first.
Do what you can for your mum in terms of finding her support, but honestly, if she doesn't want help, you need to try to accept your powerlessness. The only person who can really change an addict is themselves. You can point them in the right direction, you can show her organisations for support, you can encourage her to get therapy...
you can take a horse to the water, you can't force them to drink.
(Well in the case of an alcoholic you can force them to drink!)

But honestly, just as in this thread, there's only so far I can go in offering you advice, there's only so far you can go in offering your mum advice. She knows the right path it's up to her to take it or leave it.

Addiction comes from a very deep and dark place, it's one of the tragedies of human existence. We aren't fairy godmother's with magic wands, we need to accept reality and our limitations.

X x
 
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Lou84

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Location
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agree with Urban Hermit, there are definitely support services available for families.
I feel an in person support group can be more helpful than a phoneline, at times:
Home
Drug addiction: getting help

If your mother is one of those who sees no cure in sight for herself, and doesn't want help, then getting help for her would be difficult ride and that's why I say you need to put yourself first.
I imagine you have probably tried to get her help before.

Your mother should have a drug and alcohol social worker in the least. Other links:
Drug addiction: getting help
Yes tried a few times she isnt as bothered for the help as i am so i know i cant do much more than i have tried but it is still this situation im stuck in and i can see myself becoming more and more reluctant to do anything in my own life its a hard one x
 
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dewey

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Yes tried a few times she isnt as bothered for the help as i am so i know i cant do much more than i have tried but it is still this situation im stuck in and i can see myself becoming more and more reluctant to do anything in my own life its a hard one x
Babe. <3
You need to try to get your own life started and some therapy for yourself. Because you deserve to build your self esteem up.

It's not just hard, it's the most difficult thing in the world to let someone you love go. You will always feel the urge to help your mum but you need to realise some things in life we cannot change.

X
 
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dewey

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I know I come across really preachy, sorry for that, but your post really spoke to me
 
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Lou84

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I know you feel responsible for your mothers problems but I really think you need to realise you are not.
People with low self esteem don't tend to put themselves first.
You need to start putting yourself first.
Do what you can for your mum in terms of finding her support, but honestly, if she doesn't want help, you need to try to accept your powerlessness. The only person who can really change an addict is themselves. You can point them in the right direction, you can show her organisations for support, you can encourage her to get therapy...
you can take a horse to the water, you can't force them to drink.
(Well in the case of an alcoholic you can force them to drink!)

But honestly, just as in this thread, there's only so far I can go in offering you advice, there's only so far you can go in offering your mum advice. She knows the right path it's up to her to take it or leave it.

Addiction comes from a very deep and dark place, it's one of the tragedies of human existence. We aren't fairy godmother's with magic wands, we need to accept reality and our limitations.

X x
I actually know that what your saying is the truth! im compelled at the same time as it is my mother maybe there isnt anything anybody can say or do to change the circumstances and i will have to just belive that i will be ok one day this is all just a learning curve try not to let it drag me under x
 
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Lou84

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I know I come across really preachy, sorry for that, but your post really spoke to me
No i really appriciate you trying to help me figure it out i know i have to walk away theres no other solution just seeung if theres anybody with a diffrent perspective that ive missed but hey ho life goes on just got to stay strong ! X
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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If she were your daughter , maybe it would be different, but she is the parent and yes it's nice to show your support which you already have and are doing but try not to let events damage your life xxx
 
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Lou84

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If she were your daughter , maybe it would be different, but she is the parent and yes it's nice to show your support which you already have and are doing but try not to let events damage your life xxx
Yeah you are right shes an emotional abusive manipulative person and i have to remember that !
 
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dewey

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No i really appriciate you trying to help me figure it out i know i have to walk away theres no other solution just seeung if theres anybody with a diffrent perspective that ive missed but hey ho life goes on just got to stay strong ! X
Yes, you seem very determined to help her and find solutions which is a good sign of your character.
However, being stuck in a cycle of addiction is extremely draining for family members such as yourself. Here is a good link with steps that you can do to help:
10 Steps to Take if an Alcoholic or Addict Refuses Treatment - AddictionCenter

the final steps are
"If all previous attempts have failed, our number one solution will be the last ditch effort to getting your loved one off of drugs, and giving them the health and attention they need to recover. By taking a step back and looking at the last few weeks or months of events, you’ll be able to better determine if your efforts are proving useful or if you need to take one more stab at this."

Then after that the one last stab is: "addiction intervention". Have you tried intervention?
Here is one example that explains it: Addiction Intervention - UK Addiction Treatment Centres
Google intervention to find out more.


Above are some last resort 'life lines' I would call them.
And please don't forget to keep your distance (emotional and physical) to minimise the impact on yourself.
You are just as a valuable a human as your mum. x
 
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