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Narcissistic husband I shouldn't divorce

M

mycutepup2

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I just found out that the worst wound a narc suffers is when you expose his beloved supply - in my case his step sister.
My husband does not want a divorce, he admits that his step sister is verbally abusive to me but he feels that I should be fine with it because verbal abuse, stabbing people in the back & calling people names exist everywhere in the world.

But what really angers him is my ability to mentally separate myself from his narcistic family and himself. I have suffered for way too long but as soon I realize that he is a narcissist I decide to remove myself from the toxic relationships and become a spectator of his and his step sister drama. He is annoyed that I am loving, kind and respectful to him although I am actively planning a divorce. Anyone went though similar experience?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Has he been diagnosed a narcissist or do you recognize narcissistic traits in his behavior? xo, j
 
M

mycutepup2

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He said he was called a narcissist by many women prior to meeting me (20 years ago). When he moved out last summer I did an extensive research and found out 3 major matches: He needs excessive admiration, validation and he is extremely controlling. He thinks he is not a narcissist but has narcissistic tendencies. Whatever he calls it, it is more than enough for me to call it quit.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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He thinks he is not a narcissist but has narcissistic tendencies. Whatever he calls it, it is more than enough for me to call it quit.

You make a good point. A person who consistently displays narcissistic behavior over a long period of time is a narcissist as a practical matter. The remote possibility that this person might turn out to not actually have NPD is beside the point. The word "narcissist" is after all not a clinical term.

The reason your husband is angered by the fact that you retain a positive outlook while going through the process of divorce is that you are denying him fuel (supply) by acting in that way. Your divorcing him is causing him to experience a loss of control, and he very much wants to compensate by extracting fuel from you, which would give him a sense of control. I think you are correct to adopt this stance, otherwise you would play into his manipulation, enable your emotional thinking which could derail the divorce process. That is probably not his conscious goal, after all narcissists act on instinct which has been honed through the millennia through natural selection.

Stay the course.

Best wishes.
 
M

mycutepup2

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You make a good point. A person who consistently displays narcissistic behavior over a long period of time is a narcissist as a practical matter. The remote possibility that this person might turn out to not actually have NPD is beside the point. The word "narcissist" is after all not a clinical term.

The reason your husband is angered by the fact that you retain a positive outlook while going through the process of divorce is that you are denying him fuel (supply) by acting in that way. Your divorcing him is causing him to experience a loss of control, and he very much wants to compensate by extracting fuel from you, which would give him a sense of control. I think you are correct to adopt this stance, otherwise you would play into his manipulation, enable your emotional thinking which could derail the divorce process. That is probably not his conscious goal, after all narcissists act on instinct which has been honed through the millennia through natural selection.

Stay the course.

B
 
M

mycutepup2

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Correction:
We had a talk. He said he brought up about the moment he was rude to me not because he wanted to blame me but because he thought it was an improvement for him to realize and acknowledge that he was 'short' to me. He wished he had handled it better and regretted that he only realized after the damage was done.
No matter what he says, I am divorcing him. I don't want to be married to a man who not only fails to protect me but invites and allows his step sister to verbally abuse me by calling me names. She told him 'You give her children'. To her, it sounds like 'our' children are just Amazon packages and he silently agrees with her because he lacks the backbone to stand up for himself. His self-esteem is non existence.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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We had a talk. He said he brought up about the moment he was rude to me not because he wanted to blame me but because he thought it was an improvement for him to realize and acknowledge that he was 'short' to me. He wished he had handled it better and regretted that he only realized after the damage was done.

I am interested in hearing more detail on this.

Did he merely acknowledge that his engagement was lacking on the previous occasion, or did he actually try to articulate as he should have done the first time?
 
M

mycutepup2

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I am interested in hearing more detail on this.

Did he merely acknowledge that his engagement was lacking on the previous occasion, or did he actually try to articulate as he should have done the first time?
I believe he wished he had handled it better but I don't what he meant by that. I'm very interested in knowing what's going in narc's head so I'll dig some more. Lol.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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I just found out that the worst wound a narc suffers is when you expose his beloved supply - in my case his step sister.
My husband does not want a divorce, he admits that his step sister is verbally abusive to me but he feels that I should be fine with it because verbal abuse, stabbing people in the back & calling people names exist everywhere in the world.

But what really angers him is my ability to mentally separate myself from his narcistic family and himself. I have suffered for way too long but as soon I realize that he is a narcissist I decide to remove myself from the toxic relationships and become a spectator of his and his step sister drama. He is annoyed that I am loving, kind and respectful to him although I am actively planning a divorce. Anyone went though similar experience?
Going through it now. Someone told me that they are considering him as a narcissist and psychopath. Still trying to get through the paperwork. For now I have a restraining order for him including my son. The police brought him here to get his clothes. He kept telling me he is going to pay off my car but I really didn't know what to say
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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He kept telling me he is going to pay off my car but I really didn't know what to say

This is known as "future faking". You can tell him that next time, if it comes to that. Same as a certain individual that claimed they was ready to pay their crew out of their own pocket when tragedy struck. These kind of promises don't come true, as a rule.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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This is known as "future faking". You can tell him that next time, if it comes to that. Same as a certain individual that claimed they was ready to pay their crew out of their own pocket when tragedy struck. These kind of promises don't come true, as a rule.
I'm not getting my hopes up but I hope the rule does not apply 😝
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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I'm not getting my hopes up but I hope the rule does not apply 😝

To a narcissist, living up to this promise is lose-lose.

First of all, the narc would have no emotional empathy for you and therefore have no desire to do this. No win.

Secondly, this would represent a loss of money. Lose.

Thirdly, your hope that the narc will eventually live up to the promise will influence your behavior toward the narc in a way that is positive to the narc - in other words the narc has control over you. By living up to the promise, the narc gives up control over you, which is narc kryptonite. Lose.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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What you are saying here does not apply to me well....some errors on how you think I would respond to him because of gifts or anything else. I don't have an expectation of him making any promises real...just wondering if he is going to do it.when we were tog
 
Zero One

Zero One

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@GretaVon

It cut before I finished.

What you are saying here does not apply to me well....some errors on how you think I would respond to him because of gifts or anything else. I don't have an expectation of him making any promises real...just wondering if he is going to do it.When we were together he used to give me a lot of money..Now he transferred money into our account which exceeds the payoff amount of my car. He has also been paying the phone, the light/sewer and my car payment every month.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

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@GretaVon

It cut before I finished.

What you are saying here does not apply to me well....some errors on how you think I would respond to him because of gifts or anything else. I don't have an expectation of him making any promises real...just wondering if he is going to do it.When we were together he used to give me a lot of money..Now he transferred money into our account which exceeds the payoff amount of my car. He has also been paying the phone, the light/sewer and my car payment every month.

Okay, that's interesting.

First of all a slight misunderstanding. I was only describing how a narcissist would instinctively view the situation, not how you might view it.

On the other hand, it is a known behavior of narcissists to use money in the way you describe. It can be a way to maintain control, assuming there is considerable money to spare. On yet another hand, your husband might not be a narcissist.

In the situation you describe at the present moment, if he is a narcissist, I find it unlikely he would live up to that particular promise. It would be interesting to find out.
 
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