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Narcissistic Brother Woes

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Rocky97

Member
Joined
Oct 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
I have a 45 year old brother who I believe to be on the Narcissism spectrum. He has an inflated sense of importance, feels better than others despite not having any achievements or whatnot to match(he barely works and still lives in my parents house where they pay most of the bills). He believes he is always right and never listens to or even entertains perspectives other than his own. He is entitled and feels like people must help him, is unappreciative unless said help happens exactly as he wants it to. He is just unpleasant to be around and when I can be around him for a little while without feeling annoyed or drained, I am elated. My expectations for him are so low and he exploits that. I always hope that at some point he could turn into the brother I want, a brother I can connect with and feel respected by. He can do it for small windows of time and I always take the bait when he is like this, but then just as soon as I am feeling good about our relationship, he invariably reminds me of who he really is.

Case in point, yesterday. He wants to buy a small rental property in his town. He has nothing to his name so I have been encouraging of this. He initially approached my husband about loaning him the money but I knew that was a bad idea and asked my husband not to. He handled that well, and I was so relieved! I thought he'd throw a tantrum about that. So, my husband was going to help him look into outside mortgages. He says he has enough for the down payment (he did decent in stocks last year, which is great, it's the first time he's ever made money), but he was going to ask our dad for a small loan to cover the repairs he will need to make once he gets it. Knowing my dad wouldn't want to do this, I agreed to pay back money my parents loaned me years ago when I bought my first house.

Initially I told my brother I would give them the money this weekend. Then my mom asked me to wait until he acquired the property, as it's still very much up in the air, he still doesn't even have a loan. And honestly, even with a sizable down payment, I am not sure how he will qualify for a loan without a steady income. I told him that I would give them the money as soon as he closes, as he won't need it before then. He told me that "it is done", meaning the property, that the deal was done. I'm like, um...no man, it's not. He is decently intelligent but has very immature thinking about real world matters due to never having really worked or had to live in the real world. Yet, due to his narcissism, he doesn't know that he doesn't know everything.

So, he called my mom and yelled at her for telling me to wait to give them the money. Then he texted me demanding that I go ahead and give her the money so that he can "have peace of mind". I replied that of course I will live up to this agreement but I will never be doing it again. And no, I am not transferring the money until he closes. He won't need it before then anyway. I told him that if he doesn't need it we really could use it, we have so many things of our own to attend to and paying this back at this time was going to be a stretch for us. But of course he doesn't care. He acts like a child. He was simply trying to exert control where he has none. He should be embarrassed but I am sure he isn't. He probably feels like he is in his right to be upset. He doesn't examine his own behavior.

I guess I am just venting, but I realize I won't change my brother. I desperately need to establish and maintain boundaries with him and I have asked my husband to do the same. This sort of situation seems to happen every few months or so, it's not always about money, but he consistently tries to make me feel like crap about something. It is a pattern. He preys on my kindness because I do want a healthy relationship with him, but my requirements for this of him are so low. Too low. I deserve more and I need to recognize that.
 
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Dayana McClud

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 22, 2021
Messages
53
Location
Fresno, CA
I have a narcissistic brother and sister. Not anything like your as he is straight delusional but very narcissistic which is a form of ptsd. Sounds like your brother is delusional. Does he smoke pot? I’ve noticed pot heads think and act a lot a like him.
 
R

Rocky97

Member
Joined
Oct 26, 2021
Messages
6
Location
USA
Yes he’s definitely delusional. My husband has some properties out of the state we live in, and my brother told my husband he should send him there to manage his properties. Even though they are currently being managed by people who have 30 plus years of experience. While my brother has none. No experience and no education, but truly thinks he should be given opportunities that other people work hard and go to school to earn. He probably smokes pot but honestly I think that helps him more than it hurts him.
 
GretaVon

GretaVon

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 18, 2021
Messages
152
Location
Europe
Rocky, that's a zinger. Your brother seems to have consistent behavior of the narcissist kind. And no, it's not a spectrum. He is a narcissist. He has NPD. He is/has it completely and will never change.

Your brother is a Lesser narc, according to the Tudor model. He shares that slot with Trump, Hitler and Alec Baldwin. No joke.
 
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