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Narcissist EX and Power

G

GraySkies

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Joined
Nov 19, 2014
Messages
4
Hello,
I was in a relationship with an NPD woman for 6 weeks which we lived together. I found out she was cheating on me right from the start and ended up breaking up with her even though she professed her love for me. I went no contact for about 2 months and was feeling good ignoring her texts and calls.

I then made the mistake of chatting online w a mutual friend about how much she messed things up for me as he pretended to fish for information from her for me and not telling her we talked. It turns out he did show her everything I typed. I then texted her saying that I knew he was doing that and that I could now "turn the page." I also asked many times in the message that he not tell her, which Im sure he showed her also.

My question is; Does she now feel more powerful knowing that I was talking about her? Am I further devalued? Will she now give up trying to contact me since she knows she was still on my mind?

I appreciate any perspective from anyone with a PD or a non who has some insight...

For the record, I'm not hoping to be contacted, I just want to know if the dynamic has changed since this last occurrence.

Thank you.
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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Joined
Jul 22, 2013
Messages
756
Location
Isle of Wight
Hello,
I was in a relationship with an NPD woman for 6 weeks which we lived together. I found out she was cheating on me right from the start and ended up breaking up with her even though she professed her love for me. I went no contact for about 2 months and was feeling good ignoring her texts and calls.

I then made the mistake of chatting online w a mutual friend about how much she messed things up for me as he pretended to fish for information from her for me and not telling her we talked. It turns out he did show her everything I typed. I then texted her saying that I knew he was doing that and that I could now "turn the page." I also asked many times in the message that he not tell her, which Im sure he showed her also.

My question is; Does she now feel more powerful knowing that I was talking about her? Am I further devalued? Will she now give up trying to contact me since she knows she was still on my mind?

I appreciate any perspective from anyone with a PD or a non who has some insight...

For the record, I'm not hoping to be contacted, I just want to know if the dynamic has changed since this last occurrence.

Thank you.
Who cares? Cut off all contact with them both, power gone in a stroke.

Bollocks to them, they don't deserve you
Davey x
 
L

lovagemuffin

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
just BE CAREFUL when a narcissist is rejected can be a perol spay on a bonfire.
as Davey says stay away and don't talk to that guy anymore.
its easy to get her out your life now get her out your head you don't deserve abuse nobody does.
 
G

GraySkies

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I was actually wondering if the fact that she knows I talked about her and then texted her that I knew she knew no longer made her feel rejected and if I was now devalued or pathetic in her eyes once again. I appreciate your kind words about me not deserving abuse and I'm sorry if I'm coming across as naive or unwilling to move on. This is all just still very new to me.
 
L

lovagemuffin

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Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
dealing with these people can really mess with your head don't give her the headspace. people who play silly games like she seems to be doing are very sad people really.yeah easy for me to say move on but it isn't that easy is it have you thought of having some councelling or therapy theyd be able to answer your questions better.
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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I was actually wondering if the fact that she knows I talked about her and then texted her that I knew she knew no longer made her feel rejected and if I was now devalued or pathetic in her eyes once again. I appreciate your kind words about me not deserving abuse and I'm sorry if I'm coming across as naive or unwilling to move on. This is all just still very new to me.
Don't mess about with a narcissist, you may win the battle but always lose the war. These people are MASSIVELY motivated to hurt you.

Ignore, walk away and whatever happens, stay away. This is easily your best outcome.
 
G

GraySkies

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Nov 19, 2014
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4
Thanks for the advice Davey...

So are you saying that her find out I was talking about her is actually making her more angry at me rather than devaluing me? And the fact that I broke NC to let her know I knew also got her more angry rather than satisfaction she was on my mind?
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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756
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Isle of Wight
Thanks for the advice Davey...

So are you saying that her find out I was talking about her is actually making her more angry at me rather than devaluing me? And the fact that I broke NC to let her know I knew also got her more angry rather than satisfaction she was on my mind?
What i'm saying is walk away and forget these people. Do not give another thought to them.

Do NOT try to get into the head of a narcissist, it's really not pretty. I don't really understand why you are wondering this stuff? The only way to know that is to ask her and that really isn't the thing to do!

A narcissist would LOVE it that you are here discussing them. Forget them, move on. It will be the best thing you can possible do.
 
N

notrealname

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Messages
766
If you feel that there is a power struggle you don't want to lose - which it kind of sounds like you're feeling, and don't worry that's natural if you're thrown into a game - the only way to get out of it and walk away free is to have compassion both for yourself and the other person.

You know her, we don't. A narcissist at heart is a very unhappy person with extremely low self worth. At a deep level she feels that she doesn't deserve anyone or anything and at a level probably below her consciousness she experiences deep shame. To avoid that shame and emptiness, she overcompensates by becoming grandiose and expecting things from others.

I actually would have thought someone with NPD would devalue others immediately, sticking to the delusion that they are better than everyone, rather than getting in touch. What you're describing sounds a little more like BPD. Someone with NPD, in my understanding of it, is essentially sociopathic, so they don't care what you think since they're right anyway and they're better than you. If you feel like you're in a power struggle, this girl probably has a low self worth that is a little closer to the surface, one that she can actually feel. Her actions certainly show that she is trapped in an emotional drama that she cannot leave.

Don't look at the label as a means to 'other' her and see her as the enemy. I don't mean that to say you are being cruel or anything like that, I understand your anger, but seeing anything as a power struggle or trying to devalue her in your own mind, or even having anger towards her is keeping you in the game. Accept that her behaviour and her feelings are within her and have nothing to do with you. She is in an extremely emotional place - something you can tell from anybody's actions if they are inappropriate or disproportionate. Accept that she is hurting for reasons that you cannot help her with and that the pain comes from wounds much older than your relationship. In your own heart and mind, wish her well and hope that she finds happiness and is no longer troubled, and then wish the same thing for yourself. You will find it easier to let go of any anger or hurt from this relationship if you're able to accept that everybody on this world is ok just as they are - that includes both you and your ex - and that anyone who is hurting deserves our compassion (although sometimes it's better for both parties to have compassion silently and from afar).
 
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G

GraySkies

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Nov 19, 2014
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4
Thank you Notrealname and Davey...

Thank you for your replies, sorry I didn't see it until now.

One important factor I neglected to mention was that she moved 1000 miles to live with me and start a relationship. I think the reason she was reaching out was to come back and continue to cheat or actually get to "discard" me. She actually sent one of the guys she cheated on me with a text recently saying she missed him. Is that genuine? Why is she doing that? (He is my neighbor by the way) I know that her issues are deep inside her but she was so fake with me all that time when I was genuinely trying to make her feel welcome (she moved states for me). I just feel like such a sucker. When I broke up with her and initiated no contact I felt good. She was Hoovering and I wasn't budging. Then when I found out that this guy told her everything I felt like a sucker again. I don't know why I care what she is thinking right now, but I just do. Even though I dont want to talk to her or want her back, I do wonder if she will ever reach out again. I just hate this feeling of not knowing if she's gone for good or not.

I also did some reading that narcissists can get vengeful if they are exposed. Since he told her that I told him she was a Narc and called her a POS, will she now plan revenge because in her head she did nothing wrong?

So, I guess the questions are;

Did I get further devalued after the talk with the go between?
Will she plan revenge?
Will she ever try to contact me again?

I used to be so happy before all this.

Please excuse me if you think my questions, comments and concerns are juvenile and pointless. But they are on my mind and driving me crazy.

--GraySkies
 
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N

notrealname

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May 4, 2009
Messages
766
Thank you Notrealname and Davey...

Thank you for your replies, sorry I didn't see it until now.

One important factor I neglected to mention was that she moved 1000 miles to live with me and start a relationship. I think the reason she was reaching out was to come back and continue to cheat or actually get to "discard" me. She actually sent one of the guys she cheated on me with a text recently saying she missed him. Is that genuine? Why is she doing that? (He is my neighbor by the way) I know that her issues are deep inside her but she was so fake with me all that time when I was genuinely trying to make her feel welcome (she moved states for me). I just feel like such a sucker. When I broke up with her and initiated no contact I felt good. She was Hoovering and I wasn't budging. Then when I found out that this guy told her everything I felt like a sucker again. I don't know why I care what she is thinking right now, but I just do. Even though I dont want to talk to her or want her back, I do wonder if she will ever reach out again. I just hate this feeling of not knowing if she's gone for good or not.

I also did some reading that narcissists can get vengeful if they are exposed. Since he told her that I told him she was a Narc and called her a POS, will she now plan revenge because in her head she did nothing wrong?

So, I guess the questions are;

Did I get further devalued after the talk with the go between?
Will she plan revenge?
Will she ever try to contact me again?

I used to be so happy before all this.

Please excuse me if you think my questions, comments and concerns are juvenile and pointless. But they are on my mind and driving me crazy.

--GraySkies
No one can answer these questions as we do not live inside her brain :)

Focus a little less on her and more on how this is affecting you. Be curious about why it is making you unhappy. I think you'll find the answers there as to how you can feel better.
 
W

White Dragon

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141
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Norwich
Everyone is different. Like notrealname said, we can't say what she is thinking or make assumptions. Just focus on yourself and your own happiness.
 

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