Narcissism

[MHFU89]

Hi, I'm new to this forum.

I've recently gotten hurt by my narcissistic ex boyfriend. I didn't realise he was a narc until recently when he manipulated and used me, and all his other subtle behaviours that went under my radar at the time have now flashed red lights at me. I have now gone NC.

My question is simple. Most narcs (like my ex has just done), use you for something. In my case, I was used for money. Why do narcs, like my ex did, flirt with you and talk about meeting up for sexual purposes, but when it actually comes to planning the meet, they make excuses or back off, or push it away? Surely they would use you for sex?

He's the typical narc who doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me, and gets very jealous of me. He checked to see if I've seen anyone since him, and he liked it when I said no and only had him on my mind... But he'd say how much he wanted to meet me, then when it came to planning the meet, he always made excuses?? ? He also tried making me jealous an awful lot, especially leading up to going out drinking with his friends. I realised what he was doing, and so I blocked him and went NC.

 

[SomersetScorpio]

No contact is definitely the way forward, even though it might seem difficult at times.

Sex is another weapon for a narcissist. I think it's a misconception that narcs want to use people for sex. Some do.
But some narcs will do the opposite - they'll enjoy setting the scene for a romantic encounter and then enjoy making you feel bad (wrong, or dirty) for wanting to have sex.

The narc that I wasted several years on did that to me too many times to count.
We'd sleep in the same bed, kiss, he'd touch me and i'd touch him... but never have penetrative sex with me. When i'd get pissed off (because he'd left me high and dry.. or down and wet should I say), he'd twist the situation and end up making me feel like I was a slut and lesser than him, even though I didn't instigate any of it.

As I said, it's just another weapon unfortunately and they'll use it in whichever way to get power over you and make you feel like you're wrong.

 

[R_Sxo]

Hi MHFU89!x

To answer your question, it may be a game of seek and reject. They want to keep contact so that they feel validated, and then reject you at the last moment, perhaps in fear of being rejected themselves. Rejection could have been a painful and regular experience for them in the past, so they learn to reject others as an act of self-defense before you could get a chance to reject them. By rejecting others, they feel like they are still in control, and thus aren't as emotionally affectedx

And yes, definitely no contact!x

Much love <3

 

[MHFU89]

Thank you both for replying and your advice

I agree that it was probably a hold over me to do his narc version of "the thrill of the chase". I guess he thought that by keeping me on hold and not actually meeting me, but mentioning meeting and being very flirty at the time, it would keep me interested and pining after him which boosted his ego.

I also think in the second comment, that part could be true about the fear of rejection or losing his ego boost.

I feel a bit stupid now, as things that should have rang alarm bells in the relationship didn't flash up much to me. He did lots of chasing and love bombing, and the moment we met for the first time and made things official, he backed off considerably within a month. During the relationship, he was a bit selfish, but not enough to be really obvious. He was always very cocky and arrogant, always likes being the centre of attention and he was a bit misogynistic. We'd be watching the TV or in the street, and he'd make rude comments about how hot a girl looked to me, but if I said a guy was hot or handsome, he started insulting them every time and getting all cocky. He also wanted to see a picture of all the guys I've seen before him, I did think that was odd at the time and asked people about that, they said it's down to his insecurities. He'd sometimes be a bit odd, for example, he'd look at my phone alot and he'd go to pick up my phone and ask if he could have look on it and I would say "of course, I've got nothing to hide", and he would say "no I'm joking it's okay". But again, he'd moan that I was on my phone and had tons of friends on there (not the case at all), yet he could be on his phone alot and if I told him he was on his phone alot also, he got moody and said I was the controlling one, etc. Behaviours like that, where I feel stupid for not picking up and realising.

He also seems to disappear or ignore me for a couple of months, then come along and be all flirty and act all nicey nicey and get something, then drops me when he got it and disappears again.. This is the first I've noticed, so I'm backing off and decided NC is best.

Thanks for your help, guys

 

[FrancesAA]

Hi
How are you after some time after this happened to you? I have just come out of a relationship with narc after 3.5 years with allsorts of hurtful things going on. I am seeking therapy to try and help me.
AA

 

[megirl]

Hi FrancessAA, The above post is an old post from over a year ago.
Its sad with narcissistic people,if only they all wanted to change,the common theme is there lack of insight and empathy. Shame we can't take a pill to wash all that hurt away.
Its about them and their issues,though they think its us and our issues affecting poor them. What about us the ones they damage.
My narcissistic mother her I suggested she got counselling said quite forcefully "why, there's nothing wrong with me" its like ummm.....well actually there fucking is.

 

[daffy]

Hi FrancessAA, The above post is an old post from over a year ago.
Its sad with narcissistic people,if only they all wanted to change,the common theme is there lack of insight and empathy. Shame we can't take a pill to wash all that hurt away.
Its about them and their issues,though they think its us and our issues affecting poor them. What about us the ones they damage.
My narcissistic mother her I suggested she got counselling said quite forcefully "why, there's nothing wrong with me" its like ummm.....well actually there fucking is.

I knew it was futile to face my mum cos she would only deny her it and tell me I was an ungrateful and evil child. The best thing is to keep your distance

 

[megirl]

I just wish that people with NPD could see how they affect others and themselves and have the willpower to change