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My young isolation revelation. Long, but positive read, despite warning.

Poemwrit3r

Poemwrit3r

Active member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
44
Location
United States
Trigger warning?
As an adult, I've been actively seeking quiet, isolated places to stay, even putting out ads, just for a few days a month. I feel that refuge will help me get through things I can't seem to handle here in my lovely home.
I feel it is the only time, in utter and complete silence without any stimulation whatsoever; that I can think and work on my problems, the most recent being the multiple deaths this year, (8) I've not addressed or processed. I do have weekly counselling. I am on psychotropic medications since October 2019, when my best friend died, I ended up hospitalized in a shock state, put on a psych unit for a week; (horrific) no medications prior to that event. Except a few years ago. I have a comfortable, relatively quiet home with a pond outside and woods. Yet I continued to seek solace outside of what I already have. Last night I figured out why and it is incredibly sad. Perhaps.

As a child, I was often in 3 situations. Either being horribly physically, mentally and emotional abused by my mother or similarly by my step-father including frequent molestation. The third option was being padlocked in a room with a bed and a bucket. I was given a loaded shotgun at about 10 years old at that time I'm speaking of, but this was the continuity of my life starting at 3 years old. My choices in that isolated room were, shoot no one, shoot my caregiver or shoot myself. This is how I lived. Sitting on the bed, pondering these thoughts daily for years. It was a mental strain no one should ever have to suffer. I was provided the shotgun by my mom. I have no idea why. She slid it in the room and relocked the padlock. I was not fed ect.

As an adult, last night, I realized that the quiet, silent, unstimulating environment I've been seeking is just an adult version of the room I had as a child. It was the only "safe" place that was part of my world growing up.
That realization was both an 'ah ha' moment and a truth I was not ready for.
When life feels unbearable or I cannot handle the reality around me, I look for that room. It was, in reality, a horrible, mental prison. However safe.

Now that I have this knowledge, I have to try to not run away to feel safe but learn how to feel safe in the reality of daily living as an adult in my own home. I've made wonderful progress in therapy for most of the other heinous acts of cruelty against me, but learning this new thing about myself - that returning to such a cruel, isolated, confusing, challenging and trapped 'safe' place to hide and heal is upsetting to me as an adult. I had no idea I was simply searching and trying to incorporate this 'safe' (as a child) place in my adult life by searching for rooms, cottages to rent ect. This revelation is not a set back. I learned something new about myself. It gives me an opportunity to learn and grow. I am terrified.
I was being brutally beaten trapped on a stairway by my mom on my 17th birthday. I raised my hand to finally fight back after all those years of 'taking it' and felt so ashamed of myself that I ran out of the house and never went back. I have an older sister and a much younger half brother. Neither were ever abused. My brother was a king, my sister invisable. I 'took' everything because I really believed they would have crumbled or died under the same circumstances. It was hard to go through what I went through while they stood there just watching. Ironically, I am the only one who graduated high school, have multiple college degrees, honourably discharged from the military. My 'brother' was in real prison for many, many years and I have no idea about any of my 'family' except I broke the chain. I consider that to be the only benefit of my childhood - learning to not do what they did, and what had been part of my family history for generations.
I somehow understood that it was not about 'me' - all the abuses at a very early age and never hated my mother, but had empathy for her because she honestly knew no other way - than to repeat how she was raised. I felt sorry for her and when my Step-father (molester) died in 2004, my mother and I became best friends. She had died six years later from a surgery gone wrong. I just celebrated her death by honouring her with a 'sweet 16' private party. You are probably incredibly confused, I'll explain. These last ten years that my mom has been dead, is not that way to me. That woman lives in my heart, my words, my love and my actions for I still live as though I do things she would be proud of. At the actual age of sixteen, my mom was taken out of a home run by nuns to take care of her dying mother, alone. My mom had been 8 months pregnant and my sister was born very shortly after my mom turned 16. So although my mom never had a sweet 16 party or even enjoyed turning 16, we celebrated our loving each other in life and death for the last 16 years. I think she deserved that love and honour. And I am happy I did it for 'us'.

I will get through this new knowledge that I 'seek refuge' for I know no lover or friend to comfort me as a 'refuge'. Months after my mother unexpectedly died, my long term partner unexpectedly died and I've chosen to live a life of solitude. I do not consider myself relationship material and although 'broken', that word to me means 'repairable'. So I am a work in progress. I think I shared this so people can see that there are things like hope, perspective, forgiveness and life after the horrific childhoods some of us suffered through. Thank you for reading my words. It helped me to share.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
You are truly amazing. The strength and courage you possess is outstanding. Thank you for sharing this with us.
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
636
Location
United States
Trigger warning?
As an adult, I've been actively seeking quiet, isolated places to stay, even putting out ads, just for a few days a month. I feel that refuge will help me get through things I can't seem to handle here in my lovely home.
I feel it is the only time, in utter and complete silence without any stimulation whatsoever; that I can think and work on my problems, the most recent being the multiple deaths this year, (8) I've not addressed or processed. I do have weekly counselling. I am on psychotropic medications since October 2019, when my best friend died, I ended up hospitalized in a shock state, put on a psych unit for a week; (horrific) no medications prior to that event. Except a few years ago. I have a comfortable, relatively quiet home with a pond outside and woods. Yet I continued to seek solace outside of what I already have. Last night I figured out why and it is incredibly sad. Perhaps.

As a child, I was often in 3 situations. Either being horribly physically, mentally and emotional abused by my mother or similarly by my step-father including frequent molestation. The third option was being padlocked in a room with a bed and a bucket. I was given a loaded shotgun at about 10 years old at that time I'm speaking of, but this was the continuity of my life starting at 3 years old. My choices in that isolated room were, shoot no one, shoot my caregiver or shoot myself. This is how I lived. Sitting on the bed, pondering these thoughts daily for years. It was a mental strain no one should ever have to suffer. I was provided the shotgun by my mom. I have no idea why. She slid it in the room and relocked the padlock. I was not fed ect.

As an adult, last night, I realized that the quiet, silent, unstimulating environment I've been seeking is just an adult version of the room I had as a child. It was the only "safe" place that was part of my world growing up.
That realization was both an 'ah ha' moment and a truth I was not ready for.
When life feels unbearable or I cannot handle the reality around me, I look for that room. It was, in reality, a horrible, mental prison. However safe.

Now that I have this knowledge, I have to try to not run away to feel safe but learn how to feel safe in the reality of daily living as an adult in my own home. I've made wonderful progress in therapy for most of the other heinous acts of cruelty against me, but learning this new thing about myself - that returning to such a cruel, isolated, confusing, challenging and trapped 'safe' place to hide and heal is upsetting to me as an adult. I had no idea I was simply searching and trying to incorporate this 'safe' (as a child) place in my adult life by searching for rooms, cottages to rent ect. This revelation is not a set back. I learned something new about myself. It gives me an opportunity to learn and grow. I am terrified.
I was being brutally beaten trapped on a stairway by my mom on my 17th birthday. I raised my hand to finally fight back after all those years of 'taking it' and felt so ashamed of myself that I ran out of the house and never went back. I have an older sister and a much younger half brother. Neither were ever abused. My brother was a king, my sister invisable. I 'took' everything because I really believed they would have crumbled or died under the same circumstances. It was hard to go through what I went through while they stood there just watching. Ironically, I am the only one who graduated high school, have multiple college degrees, honourably discharged from the military. My 'brother' was in real prison for many, many years and I have no idea about any of my 'family' except I broke the chain. I consider that to be the only benefit of my childhood - learning to not do what they did, and what had been part of my family history for generations.
I somehow understood that it was not about 'me' - all the abuses at a very early age and never hated my mother, but had empathy for her because she honestly knew no other way - than to repeat how she was raised. I felt sorry for her and when my Step-father (molester) died in 2004, my mother and I became best friends. She had died six years later from a surgery gone wrong. I just celebrated her death by honouring her with a 'sweet 16' private party. You are probably incredibly confused, I'll explain. These last ten years that my mom has been dead, is not that way to me. That woman lives in my heart, my words, my love and my actions for I still live as though I do things she would be proud of. At the actual age of sixteen, my mom was taken out of a home run by nuns to take care of her dying mother, alone. My mom had been 8 months pregnant and my sister was born very shortly after my mom turned 16. So although my mom never had a sweet 16 party or even enjoyed turning 16, we celebrated our loving each other in life and death for the last 16 years. I think she deserved that love and honour. And I am happy I did it for 'us'.

I will get through this new knowledge that I 'seek refuge' for I know no lover or friend to comfort me as a 'refuge'. Months after my mother unexpectedly died, my long term partner unexpectedly died and I've chosen to live a life of solitude. I do not consider myself relationship material and although 'broken', that word to me means 'repairable'. So I am a work in progress. I think I shared this so people can see that there are things like hope, perspective, forgiveness and life after the horrific childhoods some of us suffered through. Thank you for reading my words. It helped me to share.
Oh my God Poemwrit3r! 😢 That's a terrible story. I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry you were abused by your parents, but I am very happy that you've managed to come out of that with hope. I wouldn't have been that strong. I've never been through the pain that you have, suffered the abuse you have or that many deaths in one year, and I still find it hard to live every day. It feels silly when I read a story like yours. How am I allowed to be upset when somebody has suffered such a horrifying existence?

I hope that your life in solitude is exactly what you need. You deserve to enjoy life as much as you can. Thank you for relaying your story to us. You're a true survivor! We wish you all a wonderful life.
 
M

Metanoia43

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 13, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Germany
Trigger warning?
As an adult, I've been actively seeking quiet, isolated places to stay, even putting out ads, just for a few days a month. I feel that refuge will help me get through things I can't seem to handle here in my lovely home.
I feel it is the only time, in utter and complete silence without any stimulation whatsoever; that I can think and work on my problems, the most recent being the multiple deaths this year, (8) I've not addressed or processed. I do have weekly counselling. I am on psychotropic medications since October 2019, when my best friend died, I ended up hospitalized in a shock state, put on a psych unit for a week; (horrific) no medications prior to that event. Except a few years ago. I have a comfortable, relatively quiet home with a pond outside and woods. Yet I continued to seek solace outside of what I already have. Last night I figured out why and it is incredibly sad. Perhaps.

As a child, I was often in 3 situations. Either being horribly physically, mentally and emotional abused by my mother or similarly by my step-father including frequent molestation. The third option was being padlocked in a room with a bed and a bucket. I was given a loaded shotgun at about 10 years old at that time I'm speaking of, but this was the continuity of my life starting at 3 years old. My choices in that isolated room were, shoot no one, shoot my caregiver or shoot myself. This is how I lived. Sitting on the bed, pondering these thoughts daily for years. It was a mental strain no one should ever have to suffer. I was provided the shotgun by my mom. I have no idea why. She slid it in the room and relocked the padlock. I was not fed ect.

As an adult, last night, I realized that the quiet, silent, unstimulating environment I've been seeking is just an adult version of the room I had as a child. It was the only "safe" place that was part of my world growing up.
That realization was both an 'ah ha' moment and a truth I was not ready for.
When life feels unbearable or I cannot handle the reality around me, I look for that room. It was, in reality, a horrible, mental prison. However safe.

Now that I have this knowledge, I have to try to not run away to feel safe but learn how to feel safe in the reality of daily living as an adult in my own home. I've made wonderful progress in therapy for most of the other heinous acts of cruelty against me, but learning this new thing about myself - that returning to such a cruel, isolated, confusing, challenging and trapped 'safe' place to hide and heal is upsetting to me as an adult. I had no idea I was simply searching and trying to incorporate this 'safe' (as a child) place in my adult life by searching for rooms, cottages to rent ect. This revelation is not a set back. I learned something new about myself. It gives me an opportunity to learn and grow. I am terrified.
I was being brutally beaten trapped on a stairway by my mom on my 17th birthday. I raised my hand to finally fight back after all those years of 'taking it' and felt so ashamed of myself that I ran out of the house and never went back. I have an older sister and a much younger half brother. Neither were ever abused. My brother was a king, my sister invisable. I 'took' everything because I really believed they would have crumbled or died under the same circumstances. It was hard to go through what I went through while they stood there just watching. Ironically, I am the only one who graduated high school, have multiple college degrees, honourably discharged from the military. My 'brother' was in real prison for many, many years and I have no idea about any of my 'family' except I broke the chain. I consider that to be the only benefit of my childhood - learning to not do what they did, and what had been part of my family history for generations.
I somehow understood that it was not about 'me' - all the abuses at a very early age and never hated my mother, but had empathy for her because she honestly knew no other way - than to repeat how she was raised. I felt sorry for her and when my Step-father (molester) died in 2004, my mother and I became best friends. She had died six years later from a surgery gone wrong. I just celebrated her death by honouring her with a 'sweet 16' private party. You are probably incredibly confused, I'll explain. These last ten years that my mom has been dead, is not that way to me. That woman lives in my heart, my words, my love and my actions for I still live as though I do things she would be proud of. At the actual age of sixteen, my mom was taken out of a home run by nuns to take care of her dying mother, alone. My mom had been 8 months pregnant and my sister was born very shortly after my mom turned 16. So although my mom never had a sweet 16 party or even enjoyed turning 16, we celebrated our loving each other in life and death for the last 16 years. I think she deserved that love and honour. And I am happy I did it for 'us'.

I will get through this new knowledge that I 'seek refuge' for I know no lover or friend to comfort me as a 'refuge'. Months after my mother unexpectedly died, my long term partner unexpectedly died and I've chosen to live a life of solitude. I do not consider myself relationship material and although 'broken', that word to me means 'repairable'. So I am a work in progress. I think I shared this so people can see that there are things like hope, perspective, forgiveness and life after the horrific childhoods some of us suffered through. Thank you for reading my words. It helped me to share.
I'm so sorry for the ordeal you went through!
Yet it evoked great inspiration within me,
I stand humbled by your mental fortitude.
All the best on your journey of healing!

Judging from your name, I guess you appreciate some good poetry. Have you read "The Panther" by Rilke?
 

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