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My years long ocd, cured in days.

K

KyleSCSpence

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
20
Hi guys, I just want to share something pretty amazing.

For years I have suffered from Pure O Ocd as well as having several physical compulsions. And this lasted for years to the point that I have been in mental hospital several times incapable of functioning or doing the simplest of tasks.

My personal compulsions made me constantly check how I perceived the world and this meant everything became a compulsion and I would constantly be frightened of seeing something in a way for the rest of my life. I also suffered from severe homosexual ocd for a long long time.

But here's the thing I wanted to share with you. I have cured myself and I am so happy about it. It has been about three weeks and I haven't had any anxiety, obsessions and ergo no compulsions. I'm still feeling depressed but I'm a lot more confident that it will go away when I start combating that instead of focusing all my efforts on the ocd. But basically, I want everyone who has ocd to feel like this so I'm going to share my story and how I beat it.

Im also going to add in some framework that I created for ocd that helped me immensely in understanding it fully.

So the first thing that I worked out was that the ocd was there to protect me.

It is a defence mechanism.

It must have been there for a reason - to save me from some form of painful feeling that I was experiencing, this lead me to think that I must have implemented it myself into my head at some point. This made me feel a little guilty for causing myself so much pain but the excitement that I could fix it because I created it far outweighed the guilt.

So I tried to figure out what I was trying to do, and the truth is that every compulsive thought I made was trying to make me feel secure. So immediately I knew I had some form of insecurity.

I began to wonder about my obsession with how I perceived things and tried to work out the very first time I had thought about it, and it came to me that the first time it started was after my dad died. Now my dads death was only a 'trigger' to my ocd starting but not the cause. The cause goes much deeper.

So soon after my dads death I had an anxiety attack and this was KEY. the anxiety attack made me feel as though I was going to die (a really painful feeling) which made me scared of having anxiety. Now if you think on how that sounds, it is a layered feeling that loops in a circle - Anxiety> anxiety> anxiety> anxiety >anxiety.
and never stops.

For the purposes of this let us call the original anxiety attack '(A)' and the secondary anxiety '(B)' . So coping constantly with B which lead to the cycle made me need a way of stopping the anxiety so that I could function so for me I created '(C)' the compulsion.
Which for me was to - and this is where it gets complex because I thought a lot - get away from the feeling inside my head and fear the feeling so that I would feel secure knowing that because I feared it, I would not want to go back to it.

Now If you really think, that is what I call a 'Tripled Anxiety Complex' because I was inducing fear in my compulsion and was what made my ocd so severe but most ocd would only be what I would call a 'Dual Complex' which means the compulsions do not rely on self inflicted fear based cognitive mechanisms.

I must point out that the causes of everybody's ocd works on an individual basis and that their causes and compulsions may be different for example:

A girl that continually showers (C)
for fear of feeling(B)
dirty due to past feelings of past sexual abuse(A).

A person that cleans everything 3 times (C)
for fear of feeling (B)
contaminated due to ... (A)

You get the idea.

Now checking is horrible.
I kept checking to see if the anxious feelings were still there. I was afraid that they were because then I would be anxious again which triggered the compulsion again for fear of being anxious.

Just as the girl would check to see if she was dirty, and become afraid that she was, for fear of feeling dirty, like she did when she was abused.

This leads us to an escalation of Ocd that I'm sure we are all familiar with. Fear, Action, Check, Fear, Action, Check aaaaarrrghhhh, that fucking cycle ;)

So using this framework for the ocd at the moment I figured that the way to cure it was to deal with (A) which encompasses the underlying causes, which would make (B) obsolete and no longer needed and thus do the same to (C). Making the Ocd as a whole no longer needed to the mind for security.

So to underlying causes of it. And for this its probably best to work backwards in your fear using what you are actually scared of, so I will use mine as an example and it will give you a wee look into some of my story.

I felt frightened to perceive things in a certain way.
I felt that if I concentrated on how I was perceiving things I could keep anxiety at bay
I was scared of having anxiety.
I felt I was going to die if I had anxiety.
I had a severe anxiety attack when my dad died.
I had the anxiety attack because I felt unreal.
I felt unreal because I was denying my feelings.
I was denying my feelings because I was scared to cry over my dad.
I was scared to cry because I was embarrassed at school for crying.
I was terrified of embarrassment.
I was terrified of embarrassment because the very first time that I discovered my penis as a toddler my mum laughed at me and slagged me off.

That was the overall foundation of my entire illness, that throughout my life I have been scared Of embarrassment because I was terrified that my penis was a thing to be embarrassed of. And by extension, caused anxiety in my infantile mind that I would not get sex if I had a penis because my mum laughed at me and slagged me off.
Anxiety that is not a legitimate fear (Of heights etc) is a fear to do with sex because of it being a primary drive of us which is why some people get so frightened about their looks etc. And I find it fascinating at how deep this fear can be like in my case. So I began working through that memories and feelings and dealing with them slowly.

And here's the miracle happening. That was like pulling the root out of the plant. Once I understood that and began to free my mind from it my anxiety levels dropped dramatically. because I started freeing myself from the bottom of the tree upwards which was preventing new shoots from sprouting from branches below me. whereas trying to put a lid on it from the top down was forcing it to pop out elsewhere.

Another thing was that my experience of being laughed at for crying at school gave me an coping mechanism of suppressing crying. I would imagine that the bad thing had already happened so that I could get used to having it happen so that when it did happen I would not cry. and I would try my hardest to imagine those bad feelings in a hope of becoming accustomed to them so that I could deal with them 'when' they did happen. which naturally gave me a lot of worries.

Freeing my mind from these memories was like making my head into a cloud and releasing anxieties further up the 'tree' making my ocd less and less needed and prevalent and less threatening by the day.

It was my method of security to have those compulsions to save me from anxiety. ''If I do this then I wont have to worry about it" so I thought of having some form of security to take over in the meantime at (C) so that I could get a chance to work up though (A) dealing with all of these feelings. And I noticed that this is the point where all of the psychiatry and psychology and therapy cuts to immediately when they try and treat you and that they do not deal so much with the causes but rather the symptoms. So I figured since my anxiety was draining fast it worth putting them to use and use some symptom management such as breathing techniques and working out and eating healthy to increase naturally the flow of serotonin and help the healing process.

And Slowly but surely I'm back, the old me with no compulsions or obsessions or checking. And I got myself into see a lovely counsellor and I'm working through my depression which I'm sure will be sorted soon and have a really positive outlook for the future. I'm back to feeling anxiety normally by natural things like a dog barking unexpectedly or my friend jumping out at me, I even headed out to a club the other day and enjoyed myself thoroughly with excitement which I haven't been able to do for years. I really hope that through this post I can help anybody that is struggling with this hellish life consuming illness in any way because I want people to know that its possible not only to manage it or accept it, but be free of it fully and I want everybody to be as happy as I feel now.


Lots of love, and my very best wishes

- Kyle Xxxx
 
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Lucetta

Member
Joined
Jan 24, 2013
Messages
6
Oh thank you! I've actually have been starting to do this myself, although it wasn't this clear in my head as it is with what you wrote. So thanks for helping clear it up and making it easier for me to put into practice.
I have harm OCD and it's been especially bad for the last few months and I'm sick of it and it's complete torture. So I've been trying to find the source of why I have such anxiety about it, not very successful because it makes me so nervous to think about lol.
so I'll have to get someone to be with me when I sort this out so I'm not so afraid.
 
B

blinko

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2013
Messages
1
Thanks so much for sharing. One of my kids is quickly developing OCD and despite clinical help, it's getting more pronounced. There's much stress in his life between the "normal" teenage angst and recent divorce in our family. Complicated transitioning. Your insights are very helpful
 
FreshGuy

FreshGuy

New member
Joined
Dec 10, 2012
Messages
4
I'm glad that you have managed to find peace.

How exactly did you manage to free your mind from the past thoughts and memories?
 
K

KyleSCSpence

Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2013
Messages
20
Il make a thread on it :D
 
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Luna Tic

New member
Joined
Mar 27, 2013
Messages
4
hi,Kyle.Thanks for your post,I quite agreed with you on many aspects of ocd,I believe the courage and wisdom is very important for one to get rid of ocd,And I found it all in your post.So,if you don't mind,as a person lost in serious ocd for 4 years,I want to ask you for some advice on how to cope with and overcome it.First,I think I know the trigger which cause the depression and ocd symptom first,that's a bad romance in college,embarrassed to say that's my first love experience,with a man who cheating on me from beginning to end.At that age ,I'm that kind of girl who totally regard love as a belief and tend to excessive depend on bf in mentally,so I felt all of my world collapsed in a second when that man eventually admitted that he already plan to marry someone else.I choose broken up but I know my soul is broken.Then I got severe depression first time in my life,coming with ocd symptom.In the next 3 years my ocd became more and more serious,it turns out I stay at home with barely go out till today.4 years passed, I learn and think a lot through those painful experienes with reading a lot psycologic books. But I still can't get rid of ocd thoughts and behaviors,those stopped me from going out and live a real life without endless anxious and depress.Now look back to college,I found that's not a healthy relationship in beginning.I don't have enough confidence since childhood, I'm afraid abandoned by people, My urgent desire of beloved and security leads to crazy love- as a house based on a fragile foundation,when the relationship fail,my low self-esteem makes me believe I'm worthless without so called "love".I asked myself for years Why I was so lack in self-worth?What's the reson of my urgent desire of love and security?I found answer in my memory.From childhood,I barely recieved positive response or attitude from my parents,they almost quarrelling and yelling all the time,they always use criticize or order or mock as communication tool instead of care and encourement.I barely allowed to behave like a little girl,I can't cry,can't hug ,can't beg for toys,I must be polite、silent as a doll.I learn how to hidden my true feelings to escape my parent's'criticize,but in heart,I'm very fragile、eager for beloved and afraid of abandon by others.I think the sick family envrionment I growing in is a vital reason(A) for mental issues I got.in fact,from primary school to high school,I never truely get rid of those negative feelings as unsecurity,depress unconfident,and so on.So when my sick personality encouter with broken up,my soul broke like a glass vase.I lost in ocd and depresssion (C),I washed my hands my body over and over in order to avoid any infection virus,I stay at home keep away from public area to protect myself being infected,I took many time on checking the sheets and towel,and obessive count numbers or other insane things.and Depression give me self-abuse,not serious as sucidal but in a chronic way-stay up late every night did't drink or eat for two or three days,wear a little in cold winter or sweater in summer.I feellike I'm killing myself in a gentle way.I had went to the doctor and got several dignosed as ocd and depression,all they can do is give me a list which full of medicine name,I took medicine for months then quit for strongly side effect,maybe the pill can help a little by heal the unbalance brain nerve,but the truly problem is the ways how I seeing、thinking myself and the world,that is decide by my sick personality.I know I need to change it, be positive, be confidence,be mature,I keeping tried and failed,I just can't get over those old scars on heart,which remind me over and over:you are guilty for can't protect youself from cheating and hurt,so you may be infected by deadly virus as a punishment.you have too much shortcomings,no one will truly love you.compare to others,you are such a loser.watch out,don't try to trust anyone again,they will only use you,cheating you because you don't worth for true love!With these never healed bleeding scars,my step to future is heavily and desperate,according to your success experiences,Can you teach me something to overcome it? Last,thanks for reading and sorry for all the grammar and spell mistakes,english is not my native language.best wishes:-D
 
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Johnnynotsobravo

New member
Joined
Aug 21, 2013
Messages
1
OMG!! Thank you so much. I have been having problems for years. I have not been diagnosed but I knew that there was something wrong. It was only tonight after doing some research that I was opened to the world of OCD. I have spent the night reading testimonials that have been 100% spot on with my experiences and i have come to realise that I have had this for a very long time. I am very emotional this morning. I don't know if I am happy or sad about what I have found out about myself. I'm hoping that now I know I will be able to cope a lot better. Thanks for the inspiration.
 
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25january

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2014
Messages
14
hi , i have bad, intrusive thoughts against my moral values ( thoughts against equality, feminism, racist thought, etc.) and i live in egypt and i participate in the revolution .
I had OCD with physical rituals but it mutated to pure o with a bad summer in egypt after all the stress between the fight for power between army and muslim brotherwood ( i have many clashes in my neighborhood and more than thousands of dead are in my city , cairo ). Do you think i have to think about this memories to see if they are the cause of my pure o ?

thanks
 
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Nicola398

Guest
Sounds very stressful to be living in a war zone,also to have conflicted thoughts on morals and values.
I am sorry I don't have experience of OCD but it makes sense to have it as a coping mechanism after all you are going through in Egypt.I am not sure if you are traumatized, it seems likely if thousand have been killed around you, I don't know but i think talking about the bad experiences of war will help but more so if the war is over and the killing has stopped.Otherwise then it is still ongoing and very frightening and traumatizing, maybe you want to think about it as little as possible.I can imagine it may be hard to escape.I am sorry there is little I can do or say to help.I am here with you though and thinking of you.NicolaX
 
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25january

Member
Joined
Jul 4, 2014
Messages
14
thank you for your answer,

i'm not in a war :D :) , but in a revolution which i participated in it , and it's the cause why i have ocd with rituals but i don't know why the ocd disappears completely and it's replaced by pure o , but i think it's like you said ( people i love died when i was 12, than revolution for three years, then death, then stress, etc.) .
" I am sorry there is little I can do or say to help.I am here with you though and thinking of you" thank you :) :) :)
 
P

Pumpkinsauce

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2014
Messages
2
I don't get it. This thread is like a joke with no punchline; you ramble on and on, but don't actually explain anything.

Are you saying that you got over your mother mocking your penis, which, getting over that, caused a chain-reaction causing you to get over everything?

But your second-to-last paragraph (excluding the parts about lots of love and Kyle) suddenly goes into what appears to be a bait-and-switch, suddenly talking about diet and exercise, and seritonin. So are you saying that exercising and eating healthfully are what helped you get over OCD?

I just can't make any sense of this; it's too vague.
 
K

klarkento

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2014
Messages
3
I don't get it. This thread is like a joke with no punchline; you ramble on and on, but don't actually explain anything.

Are you saying that you got over your mother mocking your penis, which, getting over that, caused a chain-reaction causing you to get over everything?

But your second-to-last paragraph (excluding the parts about lots of love and Kyle) suddenly goes into what appears to be a bait-and-switch, suddenly talking about diet and exercise, and seritonin. So are you saying that exercising and eating healthfully are what helped you get over OCD?

I just can't make any sense of this; it's too vague.
Exactly my thoughts. Your "relief" won't last. It's a temporary resolution in your mind. Something like placebo. Such understanding has hit me several times. But it doesn't last.

Your theory is very Freudian ... whereas the problem of OCD / Anxiety is genetic.
 
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ulinerjohn

New member
Joined
Dec 2, 2014
Messages
2
Exactly my thoughts. Your "relief" won't last. It's a temporary resolution in your mind. Something like placebo. Such understanding has hit me several times. But it doesn't last.

Your theory is very Freudian ... whereas the problem of OCD / Anxiety is genetic.


To me OCD is very simple . When a negative thought comes .... you have some time to choose a reaction to that thought . The thought just wants to pull you in a negative emotional state , that is his job . The thought can come from anywhere actually, your mind , TV , newspaper ... whatever . So you can choose to not go in that split of a second to the path the thought chose for you . You can have a positive reaction when the thought comes ... by laughing at the thought , you can use your breath also to help you with that . So the emotion doesnț get a hold of you . What else can it do , if you donț feel negatively ? It can program you to drink and ruin your life, or harm yourself or any crazy stuff like that . BUT , you have reason for that . So you can choose any action after that thought comes for you to do . And doing sports , eating clean or whatever ... is in your power to do . So what power does the thought have really ? It is just a thought , it has little energy . BUT if you get depressed about thoughts , and ruin your life because of that ... .well ... that is in your power also . Negative thoughts happen to all people on this earth really , and they can be on any subject . The wise people just let them go without believing them . OR even laugh at them like VIktor Frankl said .
 
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