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My wife is grieving her mother's death, and has total hatred towards me

A

asmith

New member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
3
My wife is grieving her mother's death, and has total hatred towards me

Hi,

I am at a point in life where I am slightly lost on what to do.

The current circumstances are complex and have a history behind them.

First of all the shameful part on my side. Years ago at a point where my wife and I were not intimate, I opted to turn to an escort for sex. This then became an on/off addiction for me that went on for several years. At the time I felt it was at least morally better than having an affair, but still totally wrong. I managed to hide this from all around me apart from one friend, who was actually the person who suggested this in the first place. Obviously I'm an adult and should have known better.

Almost 3 years ago my wife discovered this addiction. Obviously she was hurt, upset and furious. She agreed we would stay together for our children (2 of) and I must stop my appalling behaviour.

in parallel, I did suggest she consider counselling because of course she held a great deal of anger towards me. She rejected this, instead receiving some counsel from a sister in law. This ended up with her having an affair with another man. I later discovered this had been on the cards before she found out about my behaviour.

When I found out about this we were both devastated, and sought the guidance of my wife's parents, especially her mother. My mother in law rationalised it as an addiction and that I should get counselling. I did this and it did bring up some issues I held and helped me beat them. My wife should obviously stop her behaviour, with the man being 15 years younger than her and from a very different world.

This was 2 and a half years ago, during which the first 2 were amazing. I have spent every day during this time loving my wife and doing all I can to prove I'm a good husband and father. And I am both of those now without any doubt.
I'm aware that my wife occasionally looked up this man's profile on Facebook however never did anything with this. This behaviour stopped around a year ago from what I can recall.

A little over a year ago her mother fell ill with cancer, this was always severe however chemo and other treatments helped. A few months ago it became clear that her mother was not going to survive her illness sadly.

Almost in sync with this, the man from 2 and a half years ago messaged my wife, and their affair began with from what I can tell, a greater intensity. I was suspicious of this but discarded it because I could not imagine this would happen whilst her mother was dying of cancer.

The very last few weeks of her mothers life, she moved out of the family home to be with her mum at her family home. I stayed at home, stepped back from work so that I could take care of our children. During this time I was concerned at how little my wife spoke to me, read and responded to my messages or calls, however was very active on WhatsApp. I again put this down to communications concerning her mother with her siblings.

This put me close to a nervous breakdown, especially combined with attempting to run my own business in parallel to looking after my children, heavy workload, and of course grieving my mother in law - who I also consider my second mum. I had also seen that she had resumed looking at the profile of this man on Facebook every day. I did raise this with her and she provided a very feeble reason.

The night before my mother in law died I saw my wife and how she looked at me, and it was strange and very distant. This concerned me and initially I was looking at whether she was on WhatsApp, I then chose to switch my phone off so that I would stop obsessing.

My mother in law sadly died the following morning, when my wife tried to call me my phone was still off. I switched it on later however saw no notifications and was looking after the children, taking them out.

When I did speak with my wife she was furious and attacking me for having my phone off, almost accusing me of being with someone that night (obviously I was at home with our children).

The following day my wife attacked me again, saying that she hated me and "now that mum is dead I can stop pretending this marriage is working". I was stunned. She then told me she had told her sister about the whole escorts and affair story from previous years. I was given the full impression the marriage was over.

When we returned home, she was furious with her sister, certain that her sister "was loving" the fact that big sister is not perfect.

We started improving things however I was still concerned by my wife's phone use, and Facebook history, one focusing on this man, then a new similar man. I should add that my wife and I are both white and in our forties. She seems to have an obsession with black men though.

A week after her mother passed away I discovered that she had sent intimate photos and gone out to meet a 3rd black man, whilst I was preparing a family meal. I was astounded because of the lack of care and how this had escalated. I saw the conversation she had with this man and it pretty much just jumped from "my mum's just died of cancer" to "I'm wet, let's meet".

I confronted her on this and she then admitted to that and also to having resumed the previous affair 3-4 months previously, when the man messaged her. She said this had ended because "he was like a child". She said she would get counselling after her mothers funeral (this Friday), but she needed to do this still. She also said she wanted to grow old with me and she loved me, and she was devastated at the impact her behaviour had on me emotionally. I agreed that if she had to do it then perhaps she should, but definitely get counselling. I have been mostly hurt by the lies more than any other aspect of all of this, so can forgive the sexual aspect.

For a couple of days I found myself struggling sleeping and still distrusting of my wife, so for my own peace of mind I listed what she had done and how it had hurt me. This was meant to self help just me, however in a moment of perhaps stupidity I shared this with my wife. I expected perhaps remorse however instead her initial response was of hatred and accusing me of "not being strong enough". From that moment our marriage is over as she puts it. She even denied many of the aspects of her affair saying I was mad and asking who told me those facts. The reality is she did a few days previous. I had also seen communications that proved several things.

I spent a day away from the house, then when returning, my wife and I agreed to remain friends.

I have now spent a few days away from the family home, during which time my wife has messaged me a few times - asking "would I say a 3rd person came into our marriage and broke us up?" - to which I'm certain the answer is yes, I believe that the guy that she resumed the affair with has convinced her that "a leopard can't change it's spots", this is based on recent conversations that we have not had for years.

I also believe that this person returning to the scene at a point where my wife was most vulnerable has mentally upset her.

Throughout the last few months there have been several conversations that my wife has relayed that are inconsistent or flaky. She has accused her sister of saying things that her sister has promised me are not true, and her sister has promised me that she would say that directly to my wife if need be. I believe her.

I have been away for the night with our two children, staying round my brothers house. Tonight we have returned to the family home, albeit my wife and I in separate bedrooms. I find my wife hateful towards me today. She has locked herself in the family bedroom with at least 2 bottles of wine and will not talk to me any other way other than via text.

I must add that when my wife was at university she had a mental breakdown and had to be brought home. This was influenced by drugs and perhaps stress, during this time she was close to being sectioned by her family.

I feel that one of a handful of outcomes are possible...

1. I leave the family home with my wife having the children. I am not keen on this because she has neglected the children recently.

2. I leave the family home and take the children. I am also not keen on this outcome because of the hurt and disruption it will cause the children.

3. We all stay under the same roof until my wife gets counselling - I'm not sure this is possible if my wife feels the need to drink because I'm in the house.

4. We agree a rota on house use and child care, and she steps out of the family home some days, and me others. Perhaps then with time she also gets counselling and maybe our marriage can be saved, maybe it can't.

I'm unclear if my wife truly forgave me and has been impacted by the man she was having an affair with, or if she's been lying for 2 years and has decided our marriage is over.

I am prepared to accept whatever outcome, however am trying to work out if my wife has become unhinged/ill and needs some sort of help.

I really don't know what to do.

Any help or professional advice could literally save our lives.

Best regards
A
 
A

asmith

New member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
3
Hi, I agree although so far my wife is adamant that everything is my fault and can't see past that.

Her behaviour also makes me worry about her mental health obviously. The pressure and guilt from having an affair whilst her mum was dying must have been insane.

The man that initiated this is a disgusting human being for sure, but I have to avoid thinking about him too much because that's unhealthy.

Thank you for your reply.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Honestly, asmith, I don't think the man involved with your wife is a despicable human being. He's just another lost soul looking for connection/comfort in all the wrong places. Like your wife was looking for connection/comfort while her mum was dying.

Please write again to tell us an update.
 
Last edited:
A

asmith

New member
Joined
Sep 23, 2018
Messages
3
Hi,

Thanks again for your responses.

I know really, he must be a confused guy to split up from his girlfriend and (I think) 3 children including one new born and chase an affair from over 2 years ago with a woman he hardly knew and 15 years older than him.

I am rational and I can see that. I feel sorry for him in a way, but I do also loath him obviously. Without him returning to the scene my wife and I would be grieving together and focusing on our loss properly.

My wife has started to come out of the room when I'm around, although does spend most of the day and evenijg behind a closed door. She briefly spoke with me yesterday and today which was reassuring but only really to ask who Is told. She also asked me to hide the wine (which I've done). I'm not touching alcohol during this time, fortunately I've never been a big drinker but she does get through a bit sometimes.

The children seem ok. I do my roles around the house... Make them school dinner, breakfast, make my wife a cup of tea (text her that its outside her room). I'm doing all the cooking for the children too. I'm also making sure they see how much I love them, and commit time and attention to them.

I did also suggest my wife see the doctor, and anti depressants may help - not well received, she threatened to block me so I backed off quickly.

She's asked me to stay at the house all week so I'm there for the children, and there at the funeral - all of which I'm happy to do.

Last week she kicked me out and told me everything was over. This was a clear certainty from her and the following few days we discussed the house Rota and why we split up. Yesterday via text she says she doesn't want me in bed with her because she's such a mess apart from everything else. That. This tone does confuse me somewhat.

I mentioned I'm looking at seeing a counsellor, she just replied saying "I'm happy for you", I'm taking this as her suggesting she doesn't think she needs it.

For me the next few days/weeks maybe months I'm going to be there for her and our children no matter what. I don't know where we go from there. I think I've made my mind up in that I'm going to get counselling and just get myself checked out in general. She needs to do the same eventually otherwise I cannot be with her. I cannot accept, understand and ultimately forgive her behaviour unless there's remedial action taken on her part. I feel that if this doesn't happen I'll always be distrusting of her, given she's done this and hidden it so well for 4 months.

I'll keep you updated.

Thanks again for support.
 
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