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My wife has BPD and it feels like I’m loosing my mind

T

Toto321

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Michigan
Sorry for grammar and spelling in advance as it very mind-consuming topic for me.
I think for a very short marriage we had and overall not that long of relationship I can write a book on taking a train to hell and back.
Aside from loving her part of the reason, I proposed to her and we got married is to help her overcome the fear of abandonedonment.
In sort - it didn't help at all.
I have educated myself onBPD to the best of my abilities. I have a therapist now because of this. My wife has one as well. But at this point it is clear that even my therapist can’t offer anything as a reasonable way of dealing with my wife issues. And she is not just therapist but also a clinical psychiatrist.
In a way the reason I’m posing this as I have no other place just to find some words of comfort and understanding.
Over the time I lost a lot of personal integrity and self-respect and overall question myself and personal traits that were so valuable for me.
I’m a business owner and over the years to be successful I have trained to be emotionally intelligent with staff. Empathy was a good trait to develop.
I used that in the beginning of our relationship where BPD started to show up in my then GF character. But her systematic raging aggression for absolute zero reasons, many of which she doesn’t remember, brought me to the points where I started to show aggression in return. It took many incidents but eventually I was proven that there is a limit. Let me just note that there is no physical abuse on ether side or name calling.
It actually even helped a little and she stopped for couple weeks to be aggressive.
Soon she stated even more amped up rage outbursts justifying it by previous anger and being upset me “leaving her”.
“Leaving her” was couple times when I said she has to stop for this relationship to work. That is also being constantly used as justification for her outbursts.
I have to say that in a way I guilt trip myself in to this marriage.
I never was blind stupid but emotions took the best of me. Despite I realized the vicious circle of lashing back out to her and was able to control myself most of the time I still had episodes where I showed signs of anger. And that’s all what it takes to have justification for her actions.
It took my therapist some work to explain to me that eventually it would happen. And when I had to suppress myself for anger it showed in unrelated situations and people.
I’m ashamed to admit that I almost got in to street fights because this is the only way I could cope with my now own anger. There is so much more but the point it I took responsibility for everything: falling in love, marrying sooner then should while red flags were all over, my previous lashing out.
I did the best I could in this situation and learned a lot about my own emotions and human behavior overall. But the situation with my wife remains the same and while her aggression became more “stealth” its there, just more manipulative.
In short I was placed in the position of being responsible for her happiness. Yes, Im aware that this is not ok or better say mission impossible.
I fail at this “mission” over and over and dealing with guilt tripping blame.
So I think the only thing I have left is throw in the towel. But actually in a final way, no BS. Seems logical as I have exhausted all other options many times.
And yet - even after all this I’m questioning myself. Did I do everything possible to save this relationship? Can perhaps I give it more time? Some other stuff that I use almost always to full myself to keep trying.
Where is a cut off line? Is there anything person who has BPD or have a spouse with one can say something about it. I will take in to consideration any advice. Perhaps some words of encouragement that I’m not a terrible person. I loved this woman but love can go only so far and now it feels like I have to end this or I will basically sacrifice myself for no particular good outcome.
 
sam999

sam999

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 11, 2020
Messages
125
Location
Canada
as someone who has bpd you should try to set boundaries. thats Pretty much the most important thing in a relationship with a Person who has BPD. especially if youre their favorite Person.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,088
Location
Southern USA
Sorry for grammar and spelling in advance as it very mind-consuming topic for me.
I think for a very short marriage we had and overall not that long of relationship I can write a book on taking a train to hell and back.
Aside from loving her part of the reason, I proposed to her and we got married is to help her overcome the fear of abandonedonment.
In sort - it didn't help at all.
I have educated myself onBPD to the best of my abilities. I have a therapist now because of this. My wife has one as well. But at this point it is clear that even my therapist can’t offer anything as a reasonable way of dealing with my wife issues. And she is not just therapist but also a clinical psychiatrist.
In a way the reason I’m posing this as I have no other place just to find some words of comfort and understanding.
Over the time I lost a lot of personal integrity and self-respect and overall question myself and personal traits that were so valuable for me.
I’m a business owner and over the years to be successful I have trained to be emotionally intelligent with staff. Empathy was a good trait to develop.
I used that in the beginning of our relationship where BPD started to show up in my then GF character. But her systematic raging aggression for absolute zero reasons, many of which she doesn’t remember, brought me to the points where I started to show aggression in return. It took many incidents but eventually I was proven that there is a limit. Let me just note that there is no physical abuse on ether side or name calling.
It actually even helped a little and she stopped for couple weeks to be aggressive.
Soon she stated even more amped up rage outbursts justifying it by previous anger and being upset me “leaving her”.
“Leaving her” was couple times when I said she has to stop for this relationship to work. That is also being constantly used as justification for her outbursts.
I have to say that in a way I guilt trip myself in to this marriage.
I never was blind stupid but emotions took the best of me. Despite I realized the vicious circle of lashing back out to her and was able to control myself most of the time I still had episodes where I showed signs of anger. And that’s all what it takes to have justification for her actions.
It took my therapist some work to explain to me that eventually it would happen. And when I had to suppress myself for anger it showed in unrelated situations and people.
I’m ashamed to admit that I almost got in to street fights because this is the only way I could cope with my now own anger. There is so much more but the point it I took responsibility for everything: falling in love, marrying sooner then should while red flags were all over, my previous lashing out.
I did the best I could in this situation and learned a lot about my own emotions and human behavior overall. But the situation with my wife remains the same and while her aggression became more “stealth” its there, just more manipulative.
In short I was placed in the position of being responsible for her happiness. Yes, Im aware that this is not ok or better say mission impossible.
I fail at this “mission” over and over and dealing with guilt tripping blame.
So I think the only thing I have left is throw in the towel. But actually in a final way, no BS. Seems logical as I have exhausted all other options many times.
And yet - even after all this I’m questioning myself. Did I do everything possible to save this relationship? Can perhaps I give it more time? Some other stuff that I use almost always to full myself to keep trying.
Where is a cut off line? Is there anything person who has BPD or have a spouse with one can say something about it. I will take in to consideration any advice. Perhaps some words of encouragement that I’m not a terrible person. I loved this woman but love can go only so far and now it feels like I have to end this or I will basically sacrifice myself for no particular good outcome.
Wow.
Are there children?
Why do you think you are a terrible person?
There is absolutely nothing you can do.

You know just because she has BPD
doesn't mean she can act like that.
I'm sorry. I'm blunt. Been there.
 
L

Lost in translation

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Birmingham
I know exactly what you mean!
I learnt so much about myself, but still questioning myself!
I know that I have to control myself in every possible way I can! ....this is why I think, I cannot be who I really am! ....atmosphere depends on me! ...I missed red flags too! ..it is due to my childhood..as my mother was the same like my bpd husband! (She was never diagnosed, but I believe she suffered from disorder herself)
I am feeling desperate....and I can see, there is no help for me at all!....even counselor (provided by my employer) advised to me to get couples counselling rather than me having individual one!
I am really looking for help...and some advices how to live my life....
 
D

Dagoon

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
152
Location
Np20
I have bpd, I was first diagnosed in 2011, no one really helped back then. I went again in 2020 and they confirmed the diagnosis.
I have been with my partner for 15 years now, my longest relationship EVER. The first few years I pushed him away, I tried everything to get him to hurt me. Everyone in my life up to that point hurt and abused me. So I would revert to known behaviours, he was calm each time. He listened to me and would let me know when I was being unfair and unreasonable. You see. I was abused in one way or another my whole life. The abuse was mixed in with kindness. So over the years nature nurture was against me. I learned fast not to trust the kindness because the second I fell for that. Boom the abuse would start.
Eventually he broke down my barriers by being consistent. Listening to me but also explaining when I was out of line and why he thought I was out of line.
You see we don't always see it, bpd distorts our way of thinking. Never take crap from us, but only use attack as a last resort. Because at the beginning of any relationship that's what we are waiting for.
Im now in a very stable relationship with my best friend. He stabilises me. I still have episodes. But I've learned to direct them into something useful. I can only work one day a week. But thats one more day then no days. And ive kept this job for over a year! Its hard being the partner of someone with bpd. But its just as hard being the person with bpd.
Its like living with 3 people. We never know when we will get hit by hell 😔.

Be patient. The reward will be worth it. We are fiercely loyal.
 
L

Lost in translation

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
3
Location
Birmingham
as someone who has bpd you should try to set boundaries. thats Pretty much the most important thing in a relationship with a Person who has BPD. especially if youre their favorite Person.
How to set up boundaries and don't make him feel like he is being challenged or provoked?
 
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