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My Whole Life Has Been Hard, and I'm Very Tired

  • Thread starter SilentButCaring82
  • Start date
SilentButCaring82

SilentButCaring82

Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Palatine, IL. USA
Oh boy, this is going to be fun... First of all, hello there. I'm 38 years old. I have social anxiety, Asperger's (or whatever the hell we're calling it now), CPTSD, and good old fashioned depression.

This is just a bare bones summary of my life

Most of my CPTSD and anxiety comes from my dad, he was a hoarder, emotionally abusive towards my mom and I, and threw tantrums which we had to hide from like you would a passing tornado. He was never physical, but he could still be scary, just throwing and breaking whatever he could get his hands on.

But I think mom also sheltered me too much. She spoke for me, she fought her whole life for me. Because I didn't talk much, admittedly had my head in the clouds, and I had a horrible speech impediment (That was mostly fixed with surgery in my teens to fix an inner cleft palette), people thought I was severely autistic with downs syndrome or something. The schools kept wanting to put me in special ed. and mom would always stop them, fighting tooth and nail. I think maybe she felt she was the only one who could protect me. Maybe she was, actually.

Things happened, mom got sick in 2016 and died two years later, dad was removed from the home and put in an adult care facility (they diagnosed him with schizophrenia) I lost the home so his attorneys could sell it to pay for his treatment. So I had to live in a hotel for almost a year. Had to give up my cats and dog, made sure they got a good home, but it still sucks.

I currently reside in a community that provides for people with handicaps like down syndrome and severe autism. I had no choice, I couldn't afford the hotel anymore, and they're the only ones who would take me in with an extremely cheap rent. Otherwise I'd be on the street.
But now I am severely limited in options, with a capped budget of a couple thousand, and no one to talk to who intellectually stimulates me.
At least I have my own small apartment with no roommates. I can cook, and keep myself clean and healthy.
Most of my independence is self taught out of necessity for survival.

I have friends I talk to on Facebook, most of whom are former classmates from school that I never had the courage to speak to back then. Some of whom I had crushes on (Crushes. That's a big one, I'll talk about that later).

But I still am not okay. I think I'm actually worse. I have episodes where I'm yelling put downs at myself and pacing around the apartment crying. I still hear my parents arguing, sometimes so clearly that I honestly think they are haunting me.
Talking to new people in person is still a chore, and I can't handle it for long periods of time, I need to take a break.
My family, on both sides, have a history of mental illness. My living relatives need assistance and can't be on their own. I'm scared that's going to happen to me.
I am being triggered daily by what's happening to our country, and I don't want to say anything that'll make waves, but my father basically became President of the USA and is now gaslighting me on a grander scale. And everyone agrees that he's doing the right thing by hurting me. Maybe I am the bad guy after all?
I often feel like this isn't a world I belong in and that everything that I want is waiting for me on the other side... (I'm not religious, but I do believe in an afterlife where all your desires are met. It's complicated to explain here.)

I have recently discovered one thing that calms me and makes me happy: Collecting video games. Old school games from my childhood. I started just this year, and have eight so far. The problem is it's expensive, and like I said before, I have a limit on how much money I can actually have.

Having a crush or being in love are not good things for me. It never ends well. Remember how people thought I was mentally disabled? I have been rejected or laughed at, or both throughout my teens. I am in love with a lady I talk to on Facebook, who I've had a crush on since middle school. I will never tell her. It hurts, I know she'll eventually meet someone and it'll kill me, but it's better than being rejected by her. I hate being in love. I really do.

I'm here because I think I just want someone to know my story, know that I exist and that I'm not retarded or disabled or whatever. I am getting so tired. My goal was to have enough money to help others, and just to live comfortably away from everything. Reality hits hard and cruel.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,941
Location
Glasgow
Oh boy, this is going to be fun... First of all, hello there. I'm 38 years old. I have social anxiety, Asperger's (or whatever the hell we're calling it now), CPTSD, and good old fashioned depression.

This is just a bare bones summary of my life

Most of my CPTSD and anxiety comes from my dad, he was a hoarder, emotionally abusive towards my mom and I, and threw tantrums which we had to hide from like you would a passing tornado. He was never physical, but he could still be scary, just throwing and breaking whatever he could get his hands on.

But I think mom also sheltered me too much. She spoke for me, she fought her whole life for me. Because I didn't talk much, admittedly had my head in the clouds, and I had a horrible speech impediment (That was mostly fixed with surgery in my teens to fix an inner cleft palette), people thought I was severely autistic with downs syndrome or something. The schools kept wanting to put me in special ed. and mom would always stop them, fighting tooth and nail. I think maybe she felt she was the only one who could protect me. Maybe she was, actually.

Things happened, mom got sick in 2016 and died two years later, dad was removed from the home and put in an adult care facility (they diagnosed him with schizophrenia) I lost the home so his attorneys could sell it to pay for his treatment. So I had to live in a hotel for almost a year. Had to give up my cats and dog, made sure they got a good home, but it still sucks.

I currently reside in a community that provides for people with handicaps like down syndrome and severe autism. I had no choice, I couldn't afford the hotel anymore, and they're the only ones who would take me in with an extremely cheap rent. Otherwise I'd be on the street.
But now I am severely limited in options, with a capped budget of a couple thousand, and no one to talk to who intellectually stimulates me.
At least I have my own small apartment with no roommates. I can cook, and keep myself clean and healthy.
Most of my independence is self taught out of necessity for survival.

I have friends I talk to on Facebook, most of whom are former classmates from school that I never had the courage to speak to back then. Some of whom I had crushes on (Crushes. That's a big one, I'll talk about that later).

But I still am not okay. I think I'm actually worse. I have episodes where I'm yelling put downs at myself and pacing around the apartment crying. I still hear my parents arguing, sometimes so clearly that I honestly think they are haunting me.
Talking to new people in person is still a chore, and I can't handle it for long periods of time, I need to take a break.
My family, on both sides, have a history of mental illness. My living relatives need assistance and can't be on their own. I'm scared that's going to happen to me.
I am being triggered daily by what's happening to our country, and I don't want to say anything that'll make waves, but my father basically became President of the USA and is now gaslighting me on a grander scale. And everyone agrees that he's doing the right thing by hurting me. Maybe I am the bad guy after all?
I often feel like this isn't a world I belong in and that everything that I want is waiting for me on the other side... (I'm not religious, but I do believe in an afterlife where all your desires are met. It's complicated to explain here.)

I have recently discovered one thing that calms me and makes me happy: Collecting video games. Old school games from my childhood. I started just this year, and have eight so far. The problem is it's expensive, and like I said before, I have a limit on how much money I can actually have.

Having a crush or being in love are not good things for me. It never ends well. Remember how people thought I was mentally disabled? I have been rejected or laughed at, or both throughout my teens. I am in love with a lady I talk to on Facebook, who I've had a crush on since middle school. I will never tell her. It hurts, I know she'll eventually meet someone and it'll kill me, but it's better than being rejected by her. I hate being in love. I really do.

I'm here because I think I just want someone to know my story, know that I exist and that I'm not retarded or disabled or whatever. I am getting so tired. My goal was to have enough money to help others, and just to live comfortably away from everything. Reality hits hard and cruel.

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long.
Hey my friend you are not alone.
My dad was an alcoholic and a junkie. My mum committed suicide when i was a kid. I was abused. I went through life thinking i was the only one. Most people on here will share similar stories. I also have an obsession with numbers and geometry and was told i may have aspergers so share here and find friends.
 
SilentButCaring82

SilentButCaring82

Member
Joined
Aug 5, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Palatine, IL. USA
Hey my friend you are not alone.
My dad was an alcoholic and a junkie. My mum committed suicide when i was a kid. I was abused. I went through life thinking i was the only one. Most people on here will share similar stories. I also have an obsession with numbers and geometry and was told i may have aspergers so share here and find friends.
Thanks. I'm sorry about your mom. I'm lucky both of my parents were so anti-alcohol. My dad took prescription pain killers and anti-depressives, but he often took more than he needed. The "doctor" he saw was submissive to him, so he was able to keep getting his prescription refilled.

Ha, I actually suck at numbers and have about a 4th grade understanding of math, so you have me beat there. Thank god for calculators!
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,941
Location
Glasgow
Thanks. I'm sorry about your mom. I'm lucky both of my parents were so anti-alcohol. My dad took prescription pain killers and anti-depressives, but he often took more than he needed. The "doctor" he saw was submissive to him, so he was able to keep getting his prescription refilled.

Ha, I actually suck at numbers and have about a 4th grade understanding of math, so you have me beat there. Thank god for calculators!
All good my friend we are all unique. Just know your not alone. Im almost 40 now and been dealing will troubles since i was 10 so got advice or just an ear to listen if you need it
 
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