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My view so t my day was a bit scarey

M

mooncat

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Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
354
Well my heads full of shitness anyway dark punishment shit only to me for being me.creating me with the help of course of unkown neglect and unsutable pictures in my mind of unsuteable stuff.what the fxck you may ask.I cant say can i.All not good and damaging
Well this is gonna piss some peopke off but your not me and then dont see it like me.Today after late night of stuff whatever.fine UNTIL i tooky morning meds.Then ooooh shit.im now maybe it conk out.So embarisaly so but with a scaredness of the heart which i had no ,control over.meening intetionalydoing it ok.But the heart the heart out of my control acting ina,way thats not comfortable any pissibly its given up.Youneed to understand apart from needles and meth abd dirty have done.not showing of or proud just giving a idea what the tickers been through.That 30years worth of stuff to get away.But now today tells a differnt tale.my heart today at its highest in a&e was 178(bearing in mind thats like a workout on a punch bag as when in the day sed to be 180 bpm via a polar belt a polar bpm watch.And at its slowest..so the whole range it was 38bpm turned red and alarm with them asking can i feel my heart jolting.and i felt like a little shunt.Which was i felt a sign or damage.Dont give me sympathy this is just anotherdays damage for an evening of escape from the dark thoughts.Heres something new for me.Almost you may saya phsycotic half hr.they said oh you need to speek to your team about this And i then loudly said ina kinda horror way saying "If they dont help me im gonna be cut up into little pieces" likea warp horror girl.I like horrors and i quiet like it.Also loudly in another creepy voice said.and My dad needs to be informed that he is in grave danger" us other stuff i luckly didnt send or i would of had the police there again exposing the truthto my damage person mentaly lucky some may not say.But that the thing that will piss some or more off.Because it felt like the real story and i liked ir.blowing the hes smoked to much pot to all the parent knew.To the the truth that you both as much as you thought hadnt and the weed frazzked his mind,story to the truth that that it was them not the weed.Cant say more about coz its all ready for a privite so off the nhs recored of mine what realky screwed his head up.May sound strange what im saying but you havnt got all the details as it not something nice to talk about on here
.only place but its Private butmy dla will help with the cost is a trustyworthy past kind phetapist i used to have who is now private.im gonna ask her first if she can deal with it.But a kind of reality check that it wasnt selfinflicted but neglectfull incident which truth is was them.
Also strong weed now with this high strain crap gives me voices that are behind me but when i look round as i believed there were people.there arnt any.I dont like the heart shit .but the new only recent strange sounds and bizzare messages spoken i actually enjoy why Because it masks the bullshit story my parents tell about pots frazzeld his brain roytene is actually there neglect full fault.I was a fxcking kid.They screwed my thinking.There fxcking doing.But they still believe the old pot head story coz why i dont noi protect them.Details cant be said.what it meens i still care but now no i even believef the pot head cooked.Coz if you say it enough times for years even if its not true or real you start to believe it.
And dont have a go ok.Its my day ive had via home via ambulance via A&e via now.If it dont make scence i dont care.Look at it as a rant and respect my crazy warning of a day ok and this thread if you have the app and dont no what forum its been posted on is SUBSTANCE abuse years off damage but stomach first pumped, at 4 years old i was told im preety fxcking lucky 40 years later and zillions of escapisim times that now are showing there scars internally thatare starting to acumilate towards the external ones.Dont wanna say no more.But im starting to fall apart.its caught me up taken many crazy friends in the past and its now saying "your turn" bit of me dont fucking care.brain die fine.Just ticker scares me and im gonna stop thus RANT coZ i want to have a smoke.
Dont fxcking try and have a go.my life not all dark deatals told to protect the guity.
moincat still near the moon i think.
Nite nite no sleep since thursday and still wierd
Who cares.xx
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I'm not responding to have a go; it already sounds as though you've had a day from hell! I just wanted to say that I hope you're going to be okay and that you feel better soon.

Take care.
 
M

mooncat

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Joined
Jan 7, 2015
Messages
354
Thankyou purple.Erm i managed to get some sleep and doing so i have slowed down alot which was doing my own head in as much as it was other people.
Just glad looking back is while going abit loopy in hospital i didmt send the heart crushing truth of it all nessage to my dad which would fuck the rest of his life off.Enough damage done with my life.poinless wrecking his too.
Just like drink a heavy night before the words Never again are said and days later your doing it again drugs can be like that too.The heart thing however for me has shed new light on the once not seen internals and that i best start taking that warning more seriously or its over.
I hope i do.But we make mistakes and say that weve lernt from them only to be doing them again before you no it.The heart thing i hope dosnt get so much of a pounding as its screaming out im "Im dying mooncat help me "
Anyway i bit my tounge last night and forgot how fxcking painfull that is
mooncat.xx
 
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Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I'm glad you managed to get some sleep. It can make quite a difference, it certainly does for me.

I know what you mean about making mistakes and not learning from them. I would imagine that quite a few of us continue to do this over and over... Your message makes me think though that things have gone a bit too far for you and that yesterday, particularly with the worries regarding your heart, was quite frightening and a bit of a wake-up call.

I hope that you manage to sort your health problems out and that there's no serious permanent damage. I hope too that you can arrange an appointment with the therapist you mentioned in your initial post of this thread.

Stay strong and safe Mooncat and hopefully things will start looking up for you soon. :hug1:
 

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