My unspecified condition is plaguing me

Questra

Questra

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Nov 9, 2016
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There was no forum for "unspecified personality disorder", which is what I have ( F 60.8 ), so I hope I'm doing the right thing. Or maybe not. I'm really hostile towards everybody and everything and I feel extreme shame when I tell somebody off, but I just don't trust anybody. Please, don't laugh. :cry:

I'm the type of a weakling that's not favourable in this world - I write poetry, take photos, but I don't know how to be a hip artist, a part of a group, a gregarious bohemian or whatever. I tried to turn myself into a corporate do-gooder type, but it didn't work. I don't know how to keep a job, the idea of a contract having power over me scares me.

Anything that makes me vulnerable is a threat. Being me the way I really am is a threat. I find it very hard to talk about anything I like, because I see all my likes as ridiculous and very shameful. When it comes to connecting to others over the more popular among the things I like, I fear that people would not like me beyond what we have in common.

I am a freelancer and I freak out at work regularly. I become unable to do anything, scared of my clients - even when they're the least threatening people ever, I get panic attacks from thinking that they could scam me, criticise me, report me. On most freelance websites, rating a person is obligatory and I fear it.

A friend once implied that I cannot be borderline - my report said that I could develop borderline and that I'm at high risk - because I don't engage in risky behaviour (enough) and I don't hit people. I told her this:

"When you engage in risky behaviour, when you have - a goat forbid, romantic relationship, or when you purposely try to kill yourself, make yourself ill or anything that's truly damaging, unlike my cutting hair and breaking mugs, you get to the point where other people can use you and hurt you even more. I imagine lying in bed in a hospital, with my jobs cancelled and therefore no independence of any kind possible. It's a nightmare."

Similarly, people told me that I cannot be negativistic and that I cannot be histrionic because I never meet full criteria for anything.

I realise that one of the reasons I have no tendency for relationships and why I mostly find them disgusting is the idea of trusting somebody that much. Having yourself depend on them.

If I was involved with somebody who has money, they could hurt me and keep me prisoner. If I was involved with somebody who is very experienced, they could put me down. And so on.

I just don't trust anybody at the end of the day. Or not at the level people trust others.

I just don't want to belong to anything and anybody. Yet I suffer from, say, not having a group of friends to look good with. You know, look normal and acceptable with. I could not bear with having somebody around all the time...that is not an animal or a tree. It just freaks me out.

I have friends, but I never know if they really like me. I lost many people out of fear that they're mocking me or thinking of me as a lesser. I don't have a very high opinion of myself and I don't like anything bodily. I don't like it when people tell me that I look good etc.

I don't know.

Hello.

* If it matters, I'm from a big city somewhere in Europe. Not one of the cool countries, on the contrary. I'm 33, F. I have PCOS and am taking metformin. I'm straight-edge.
 
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BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Nov 23, 2015
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hi and welcome

i don't fit the Typical BPD mould either, i don't self harm or show the more typical behavior; most of mine is very internalized.

mind you i am 51. and was well for most of my life.

its a huge undeniable issue now though, also explains past difficulties

welcome.
 
Questra

Questra

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Nov 9, 2016
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Wow, that was fast. Thank you. :)

And any late onset of any disorder is...puzzling to me. How does that happen? Did your folks discipline you too much, did you have a survival mode...? Sorry if I ask too much. Mine did, to a certain extent, and I was a good student until I just flat out stopped studying overnight.

I do self-harm, but it's limited to [moderated] and cutting bits of my hair (never too much because I'm a coward). The latter is a sign that I'm too far gone and that's the situation I'm in right now. self harming in public was a common thing from age seven to age...hmm...18, 19? Kids always cheered on me to do it harder. Sometimes I wonder if a brain scanner would be a good thing.

A certain embarrassing affective disorder is a possibility, too. I noticed that I'm usually OK for two weeks, then so-and-so for one week, then a monster for one week.
 
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BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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yes I was a product of some fairly severe consistent abuse neglect since birth.

Ive also been pretty much a latch key child since...3? 4? and im 51 now.

I never displayed anything at school because I loved school it was Safe by and large.

as I got older I learnt how to play people.

I dragged through because I was bright but discovered I have a fairly serious learning disorder when I was about 48

the last 5 years have been a massive learning changing time for me and I'm still in it.

you don't get sick overnight, you don't get better overnight either.

I'm at the point now I'm finally starting to realise what my triggers are and accept them as they are fairly common ordinary seeming things.

its a battle I tell you - but life isn't easy for anyone, I don't think!
 
C

Clandestine Rob

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Sep 21, 2016
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Questra you might have a mix up of borderline and avoidant.. I do. Some personality disorders don't meet the full criteria of any one but a mix up of two or more.

Peace
 
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