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My truth

Koi1971

Koi1971

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Casper Wyoming
I'm finding that the worst part of being borderline, (for me at least, now that I'm older), is that I have taken full responsibility for all my actions, the good, bad, and the in-between, which means I can't fake emotions any longer, I can't pretend to care about trivial crap. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and am being proactive when it comes to my wellbeing.

The bad part is that I feel I should care more about things that hurt others, but I don't, I care about who is close to me, but even that is limited. My mother passed away while I was in prison and I haven't shed a tear, I feel bad for my siblings, but that is the end of it. I feel kind of like a evil person, I should care, but I faked my emotions for so long, I've become numbed. I don't want to be disingenuous, I'm afraid to be fake and lose sight of what I've gained. Maybe it will just erupt one day and I'll be able to cry, but it scares me that I can't.

I feel less than human...

Not sure what is worse...

As always thank you for letting me post.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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2,758
Location
England
From my experiences with mental illness, and also being on medication, i feel a bit robotic. I get so irritated when people moan and moan about pointless things like a car not indicating or coffee not being strong enough or hot enough. I really don't care, it really is not important. Are you like that? I have been through so much that only extremely bad things bother me, like someone being beaten up or children being shouted at.
 
Koi1971

Koi1971

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Casper Wyoming
I am right there with you, but I tend to only be affected if something is happening right in front of me. Depending on who is involved, stuff after the fact doesn't really move me. It's a little scary what I can shrug off.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
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Haaaaa!

That has nothing to do with bpd and more to do with getting older. With less energy you have to pick and choose what to care about and you tend to not give a damn about everything else. lol

If only we could learn this at a younger age.
 
Koi1971

Koi1971

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Casper Wyoming
And here I am watching my 600 lb life and feeling bad for this woman, weird.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,160
Location
London, ON
It can feel weird when, after years of being on a hair trigger, we get to the point where our emotions aren't a roller coaster.

For me, it's been a combo of age, meds, and simply learning that not every incident is worth the energy to be engaged with.

It's like, a couple years ago after a med adjustment and seriously working on some emotional issues, I was talking to my psychiatrist, describing how I felt, and why I was unsettled by it.

He said "That's called being in a good mood".
 
G

Girl interupted

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Joined
Nov 17, 2018
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And here I am watching my 600 lb life and feeling bad for this woman, weird.
Because she’s behind a screen and can’t ask you questions. It’s “safe” to feel then.
 
Koi1971

Koi1971

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
50
Location
Casper Wyoming
Wow, that is so accurate, not really sure how I should feel about that, thanks for making me think.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,187
Location
Glasgow
I'm finding that the worst part of being borderline, (for me at least, now that I'm older), is that I have taken full responsibility for all my actions, the good, bad, and the in-between, which means I can't fake emotions any longer, I can't pretend to care about trivial crap. I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and am being proactive when it comes to my wellbeing.

The bad part is that I feel I should care more about things that hurt others, but I don't, I care about who is close to me, but even that is limited. My mother passed away while I was in prison and I haven't shed a tear, I feel bad for my siblings, but that is the end of it. I feel kind of like a evil person, I should care, but I faked my emotions for so long, I've become numbed. I don't want to be disingenuous, I'm afraid to be fake and lose sight of what I've gained. Maybe it will just erupt one day and I'll be able to cry, but it scares me that I can't.

I feel less than human...

Not sure what is worse...

As always thank you for letting me post.
Dont feel inhuman. We all deal with shit in our own ways. Some cry, some go violent. Some just take it and move one. 1001 ways to deal. I was hard as a rock for years will all thr death. Then i melted the other day and hustbcould not stop crying.
 
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