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My trust in the system is gone.

Da Cuckoo

Da Cuckoo

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I was expecting a phone call today from my CPN to tell me what the Pdoc said about increasing my olanzapine.

I know from past experience that if he hasn't phoned by lunchtime he will usually call in instead because he will be around the vicinity.

So this morning after a really good nights sleep I decided to get my shit together. Getting washed and dressed and doing some housework was the order of the day to distract me from what was going on in my head.

I've had the blinds and curtains shut for a month and decided that today was the day that I was going to open the lounge curtains (the lounge is at the back of the house) and try. And reason with any racing thoughts, paranoia and anything my mind decided to throw at me about people looking in or the neighbours talking about me.

As predicted he didn't phone and called round about 1.30pm.

Immediately he suggested that Id been doing things 'for effect' because in his eyes he'd called round in expectantly to find me doing housework, lounge curtains open and me all dressed and washed.

I pointed out that I expected him to pop in because he hadn't called me and that even though today I feel ok tomorrow might be completely different especially if I run out of things to distract me all day.

He generalised that people do this to claim benefits or get attention. He kept back peddling saying he wasn't talking about me but just in general. He kept telling me to just be myself with him and I kept asking why was he bringing these things into the conversation if he was thinking this about me he said it's because he's never seen such a quick turn around of someone being well enough to function like I am today after only being on 5mg of olanzapine for 5 days. He told me olanzapine takes weeks to reach full effect and it still should be early days for me. I told him everything I was doing was for distraction only and to help me recover and I still considered it early days! - one good day doesn't conclude that I'm cured!!!.

I'm left feeling angry and totally disillusioned at his 'generalised' (as he put it) comments.

I've got no intention of claiming benefits. Being a self employed chef who rents the kitchen premises of a large pub I've lost a lot over the past 2 months and need to get well to get back to work. Claiming benefits was never even in the spectrum for me!

This is the second time in as many days where he's made flippant comments about me and my condition.

I've had a good nights sleep and have started to feel a slight glimmer of me coming back....and all I get basically is left to feel like I'm a fake and a malingerer.

What does anyone else think of this and what do you suggest I do if anything?
 
SarahD

SarahD

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They are so stupid sometimes. They are taught to go by what they observe: you look a mess, your home is a tip = you must be ill. They don't have enough independent thought to realise things vary day to day.

Also their observation skills are not that good. I had one stand by my kitchen, which was in a state, telling me he went to dreadful places and that my standards were too high! I think they should judge me by what is normal for me, not someone else.

At the moment I am either depressed, flat out, barely functioning, planning suicide, OR hypomanic, doing five things at once and planning a holiday. All in one day. I have cleaned my home for the first time in months (sort of, not perfect!). And I am wondering about what reaction I will get from care coordinator.

I hope you told him you are not claiming benefits.

Well I am glad you didn't punch him, though it must have been tempting. If he is always like this you could ask to change to someone else, although you never know if it will be someone good.

He should have been pleased you were having a better day.

I am glad at least you have that glimmer of hope about feeling well. Don't let him get to you.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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i don't view them as help anymore, maybe they are into getting you back to work and contributing to society, they're interested in you as you can contribute, which may be an improvement on benefits particularly the way things are going
 
Da Cuckoo

Da Cuckoo

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Thanks love xxx

He's coming Wednesday. I've already made some notes about what I'm going to say to him. He's made me feel like a lost cause!! He's definitely got to me and I'm mightily pissed off. So it could go three ways;

He blames me for over-reacting saying I'm hyper sensitive due to my GAD, BPD and psychotic depression.

He pisses me off even more and I ask for another CPN after punching him up the nostrils with a brick.

Or, but highly unlikely:

He apologised and spends the hour digging himself out of his hole.

It's a shame because we had a good rapport and in my depths of paranoia I started to trust him and opened up. But I suppose familiarly breeds contempt and all I feel like doing now is crawling back into my shell and SH-ing or OD-ing.

I did tell him it was never even a consideration that I would claim benefits but he knows I have my own business and I'm a chef.

He even asked if I was going back to work next week! I've not left the house for 6 weeks! Makes me wonder who needs the medication.

Joking apart though I do feel pretty vulnerable right now I've still got such a long way to go and this has just made me feel like fucking the lot of them off and dealing with things the old fashioned way - 20 cigs and a bottle of brandy once nightly.

xxx
 
R

ramboghettouk

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i think they care or at least start out caring but the institutions they work for, and there are institutions other than the old total institutions, direct that caring into directions useful for society and the institution
 
Da Cuckoo

Da Cuckoo

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I agree with you Rambo x

What makes it funny (oh the irony) is last week he was chatting away to me about how he struggles with alcohol since his girlfriend left him and he's stopped having his teenage daughter over at the weekends because he feels guilty each time she finds him wankered (his word not mine) on the kitchen floor.
He was interested to know what it was like to go into detox. I basically told him if you want to throw your stomach up until you drop and not having the energy to get out of your urine soaked bed without the help of 2 nurses whilst at the same time shitting water everywhere all the time sweating and feeling like your going to melt but teeth chattering cold in equal measures and don't mind hallucinating about relatives that have been dead for years all in the space of 2 days plus having Valium suppositories stuffed up your arse because you're fitting...then you can look forward to spending a further 3/5days walking around like a zombie pumped up with Librium - then go for it.
His response?....it's cheaper and less traumatic to get a couple of bottles of wine hahaha.

Yup. Nice one. Not.

Hmmmm.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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I think Rambo is right that they (some) start out caring. I know in my area the services are very stretched and many people just don't get any "help". Services have been cut right back.

If, as you say, you did have a good rapport with him, maybe this is just a hitch. You think though that he would realise you might be sensitive, and that getting better is a one step forward two steps back process.

Who knows? Maybe there are a lot of people who think mental health is a good bandwagon to jump on for benefits. If so, they are the truly mad, so maybe they belong there! It is an insult to those of us who go through all this shit though.

I hope things go ok on Wednesday.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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when i got the esa50 form off the dwp i phoned up the cab, the guy said he'd spoken to his boss and they couldn't help me, who knows maybe everyone who phones the cab says they're schitzoprenic nowadays
 
Da Cuckoo

Da Cuckoo

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My husband is phoning them tomorrow and asking for someone else to take over the care coordinator role.
I just can't get over this.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Well maybe that is for the best.
 
R

ramboghettouk

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talking from experience mental health workers encourage you to get dependent on them then they start putting conditions on that help and next thing you know your jumping through the hoops on command and any freedom you had had has gone
 
R

ramboghettouk

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my support worker phoned he wants me to go to this allotment scheme in wembley theres an unspoken threat that if i don't he'll abandon me and as a lunatic in the present climate i need someone who's sanity isn't under question to represent me particularly with the benefit office, if i represent myself i'm not in need of the benefits
 
Da Cuckoo

Da Cuckoo

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Hubby phoned this morning and basically give them a bollocking. A different CPN is coming tomorrow afternoon :) xxc
 
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