My thoughts are affecting me and my life so much, I feel so alone and fed up.

B

BSMRB

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Newport, Newport
#1
Hi everyone, this will be a v long read, but any advice or just giving this a read would be very much appreciated. Mostly just venting btw. Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense; i struggle to get things into understandable sentences sometimes. Thankyou.
(FYI I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and BPD for a number of years)
I feel super alone on all of this, so if anyone's had similar feelings to this I'd love to hear from you.

So for the last few months (say about 10-11 months) ,ive been completely unable to manage my thoughts. I get visions or flashbacks of things I've done in my life, they repeat over and over in my head usually causing massive distress to myself, i sometimes act out to them from being completely immersed in the flashback (usually I say 1 or 2 words before I snap out of it or I'll cringe, flinch, twitch, etc). Almost everything triggers the thoughts, certain people, certain sounds or songs, if i have a memory linked with any of those things it will cause the flashbacks.
It's always flashbacks of things that I felt I done wrong in my past, things that I felt embarrassed by, things that I've done which make me have an intense hatrid for myself, I obsess over how I am and how I look which also causes me distress when I know I can't change myself as affectively as I can.

I know every single flaw about myself, every memory, every single thing I messed up on, and it trauments me every single day, almost every minute of each day. I can't get over how awful I was as a teenager (I'm 20 btw - not that it matters lol). I hate who I was and am now, I've gone above and beyond this past 2 years to be the best person I could be, I've improved a little but I still can't see myself as a good person in any aspect.
It's mentally exhausting to constantly have thoughts of how much I hate myself and how I look aswel as my mind constantly reminding me of the crappy things I've done and everything that's embarrassed me.

I've gotten to a point where almost nothing can stop my brain anymore, I go to a course 3 days a week and I spend up to 2 hours in the gym every single day, on top of that I try to play my games (ps4, switch, mobile, etc), or I clean my flat, or talk to my pets, see my friends and family, and with all that I STILL have all these thoughts and flashbacks, if anything it triggers more due to certain people/things triggering it, nothing can distract me anymore, I'm almost always in a fantasy world in my own little bubble, just me and my thoughts...I'm lucky to have 15 minutes where my mind isn't attacking me like this. Even as I'm typing this I'm having them, I want to cry but I can't anymore.

I've felt so mentally exhausted lately and I've had this constant feeling of not being able to cope anymore. I'm at the doctors alll the time and they still don't do anything for me, I'm waiting on a referral to a mental health group, my appointment is next month but I really don't think I can cope that long. Counselling doesn't do anything, if anything, talking about it just brings up more flashbacks and terrible thoughts.
I can't sleep anymore because my mind is too busy all the time, even with my medication I can't stay asleep for longer than 4-5 hours.

I currently take mirtazapine (45mg). I've tried a few SSRI's but they give me panic attacks, they've put me on quitiapine (antipsychotic) but that reacted with me too. My doctor seems to have given up on me at this point, I know I've got more than what's been already diagnosed but they're not listening to me anymore. I feel like they're trying to kill me, like they've got it on their system to refuse me help because they want me to end myself.

I feel completely alone on all of this, I feel like no one has this, I've never spoken to anyone on any sort of forum or irl that has whatever I have going on in my head.
Maybe giving up is the only option, neither I or anyone can help me and I can't carry on like this.

I just want help.....

If you've made it this far, i thank you so much.
 
Skynet

Skynet

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
486
Location
India
#2
Welcome to the forums. :welcome:

I've had traumatic ruminations until very recently as well. Basically, I would relive 6-8 incidents in the past where people hurt me. The thoughts used to appear every few seconds and cause me immense distress. What finally sorted them out was 20 mg escitalopram (an SSRI) and meditation.
 
B

BSMRB

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Newport, Newport
#3
Welcome to the forums. :welcome:

I've had traumatic ruminations until very recently as well. Basically, I would relive 6-8 incidents in the past where people hurt me. The thoughts used to appear every few seconds and cause me immense distress. What finally sorted them out was 20 mg escitalopram (an SSRI) and meditation.
Thankyou for your reply! I'm glad in a way that I'm not the only one who's experienced this. Maybe I need to find the right SSRI med for me. I just hope my doctors will prescribe me new meds, been on mirtazapine for 2 years but it's not working for anything anymore :(
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,195
Location
USA
#4
Hey B!

I was like in an admittedly milder but similar funk for a while recently. I was not a fan of myself and my thoughts were taking over. It was awful and I feel for you.

You have to accept who you are and also think about who you want to be. This is a transition period. You’re not really either of those people right now and it feels scary but once you’re at the next “checkpoint” in life it’ll get way better. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. If you wanna watch a movie and color a picture, do it. If you need a nap, nap. Treat yourself to candy or a little spa day at home. Just love yourself in any possible way and you don’t need a reason to do so.

I don’t know what you were like as a teen but I promise you’re not the worst person out there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. ❤️
 
B

BSMRB

Member
Joined
Apr 26, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Newport, Newport
#5
Hey B!

I was like in an admittedly milder but similar funk for a while recently. I was not a fan of myself and my thoughts were taking over. It was awful and I feel for you.

You have to accept who you are and also think about who you want to be. This is a transition period. You’re not really either of those people right now and it feels scary but once you’re at the next “checkpoint” in life it’ll get way better. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. If you wanna watch a movie and color a picture, do it. If you need a nap, nap. Treat yourself to candy or a little spa day at home. Just love yourself in any possible way and you don’t need a reason to do so.

I don’t know what you were like as a teen but I promise you’re not the worst person out there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. ❤️
Heya,
I'm trying my best to accept and love myself, but i just keep getting reminded of how I am and how I was.. But honestly thank you for that, it means alot as I don't have many people left who tell me stuff like this. I'll try my best, thankyou😌❤️