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My therapist upset me with a comment about work.

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Pffft

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Joined
Apr 23, 2012
Messages
1,052
CW: self harm and suicide mention.

I have no idea how to write this down as there is so much going on. I have been having arguments with my parents lately and it's awful. Awful for them and I feel like I make their life more difficult. I told my therapist and he asked about moving out of my parents house. I stated a few reasons but the main 2 reasons were that I feel my mental health will deteriorate if I didn't live with them and also that financially I wouldn't be able to afford it. I said I could sell my car but after that I wouldn't manage. He mentioned working and this infuriated me. I am unable to work because of the way my mental health is and I feel ashamed by it so him suggesting it actually surprised me and upset me. I struggle to put into words to explain why I am unable to work and it triggered things from the past of how I have always felt like I need to explain myself when it comes to why I am not working. With my therapist putting me in that position it really felt like I was pathetic and small. He made me feel like my parents did. it triggered things my parents have said in the past. My therapist said in my last appointment (this is the following appointment after he said the comments about work) that he feels he has been placed on the same side as my parents and he is right.I am feeling a lot of different (negative) things and a big part of it is because of his response. I thought I was purely going to talk about the arguments with my parents but it felt like he turned it onto me and had taken the role of my parent. It's awful. I feel like I did when I was a kid. My emotions aren't necesary and I am just causing problems.

and to top it off my therapist says his contract may not be renewed- he said he thinks it will be but if it isn't he will be leaving in November. I am angry with him for many reasons and I also feel like the trust we had built has taken a huge blow but at the same time I do want to work it out with him and carry on as he has done a lot to help me and I wouldn't be getting the therapy if it wasn't for him deciding that I needed it.

To top it off a person that helps me with my mental health is leaving. She was my yoga instructor but I also see her for access bars. She helped me through a horrible period where I was suicidal. I have my last appointment with her this week and to be honest I dont know whether I should say that I will miss her. Given the BPD, which she knows about, I worry that she will take it the wrong way and be worried I may do something.

I am also feeling way more impulsive and my urges to self harm are really bad. I think if i do self harm it will calm everythin down but I've heard that self sabotaging is part of bpd so I dont know if I am self sabotaging or trying to cope. I am already slipping into that mindset that if i do self harm at least it will have a positive effect as I won't feel as on edge as what I am.
 
Z

Zoe1

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Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
3,200
Location
Nowhere
n yeah , this is all very familiar to me
I have been through the mill with therapy and stuff
sometimes felt like a bit of a wild goose chase
and some very weird things have happened in therapy

one of them suggested I ' hire a stud ' !

doesnt sound like you are very comfortable with this therapist,
I dont know what tone of voice he said that comment in about work
but he should be aware that its a sensitive area for some people
I know I would struggle with hearing that as well

you said that it was down to him that you got therapy
so is that a financial issue, about affording the therapy and getting it free / low cost ?

also sorry to hear about the yoga instructor
I find it very difficult losing someone I trust as well,
although looking back I was yet to meet their replacement
and in fact I did go on to meet other people I could trust

with the therapist you would need to be able to tell him
how you feel about his comment
and if not then he is not the right therapist

:grouphug:
 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

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May 5, 2019
Messages
471
Location
Uk
From what I've read it seems the biggest issue here could be abandonment.
Theres a wedge between you and your parents and the option of moving out was mentioned (by therapist), so that has been planted into your head.

On top of that your therapist has mentioned a possibility of him leaving.
Then you have the instructor.
All of which have strong meaning in your life.


It's really no surprise that you have found yourself feeling how you do.
I am sorry if I am way off. I try to analyze my potential triggers, so I'm just offering help the way I do it for myself.

If I were you, I'd try and have a little more patience with myself and an understanding as to why I'm feeling so low.
Then I'd focus on what I could work on first. I'd suggest doing something as a family to strengthen bonds and lessen frustrations.
Maybe try and redirect your thoughts to "I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it" each time you worry about your therapist and instructor leaving.
 
LizBo

LizBo

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Joined
Jul 1, 2019
Messages
370
Location
Down-under
I'm sorry to hear of your situation/s @Pffft

In my experience, much conflict comes from:
  • misinterpreting statements,
  • being let down by unrealistic expectations of people/situations and,
  • not being brave enough to speak up when it counts or on the flip side, saying things that shouldn't be said out loud
All of these were huge obstacles for me when communicating (or even thinking about it) with my mum. It wasn't until I was in my 30's I finally had the courage to say "No!" to her. It changed my relationship with her for the better, albeit after a time of adjustment for us both.

Don't get me wrong, we had our fair share of arguments ok. The main problem for me though, was struggling to feel like an adult around her.

It took me many years to understand (and change) our dynamics which had been developed through my childhood and adolescence. In all scenario's she was the authority figure berating me and putting me down, and I was her victim.

Oddly, I ended up with managers/supervisors who treated me similar. This blew up into workplace bullying which caused me to have a major breakdown; I haven't worked since.

The biggest lesson I've learned? It takes two to tango.. I was the Yin for her Yang. (And my bullying managers too) I was the perfect idea of someone to taunt and stand over because I'd been trained to be that way from when I was small and vulnerable.

In response to this I went the other way with my own son and ended up being overwhelmed by him. I unintentionally taught him I was a push-over because that's what I knew.

Now I'm not saying this is what's happening with your folks or support staff, I'm saying that as children we're conditioned to behave in a certain way.

As is a normal part of development, I rebelled as a teen and challenged those ways. [She] upped the anti becoming even more aggressive so I toed the line all through my teens and 20's. It sounds to me like you may be in the process of finding what works for you as well. This is bound to create friction and is very normal.

The problem arises when we focus on 'their' behavior/words/feelings instead of our own. So, I'd ask you these questions;

Who do you want to be? How do you want to be perceived? What would you be comfortable with when speaking and responding to people?

People are going to be whoever they want. You can't change 'them', but you can change 'you'. For me, this worked miraculously with my mum. Our relationship's based on equality now, though she does fall back into old habits now and then. When this happens, I walk away and wait until the air clears.

Sorry about the long post. It's an issue close to my own heart. I hope it means something to you.
 
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