E
ElijaJank
New member
I'm a 20 year old woman who had been struggling mentally ever since I can remember.
At 17 I started self harming because I lost the capability to control my anger and sadness and my black and white thinking was even worse.
That same year I started going to therapy, but my therapist was a very old lady who didn't really help me much. She actually retired pretty soon after I started. So I stopped going and then at 18/19 I started therapy again. My new therapist was a man and he often made me feel uncomfortable, but then again I'm a sensitive person who feels uncomfortable around men in general.
One day I revealed to him that I self harm. That I'm often reckless. And since I go to social studies where I study psychology I'm aware of BPD so I thought I had it. But he told me not to worry and said I didn't have BPD because 1. I don't go and sleep around with random people and 2. I don't drive recklessly. I thought it was strange that he thinks it's not BPD just because I don't have these two particular behaviours. And I don't even have a drivers licence so the latter is basically impossible to do eitherway. Anyways, all the other things that often appear in BPD patients like drinking alcohol everytime they get a mental breakdown or being overly sensitive and unstable are very true to me. I constantly do reckless things when I'm hurt or mad. If I'm sad it's always the rockbottom. There's no inbetween. One time a man I used to talk to decided to block me out of the blue when I didn't even bother him. I started hating and blaming myself. I thought it was my fault and freaked out. My thinking turned completely black. And this happened at midnight so I left my house and ran outside. I ran into a dark and foggy forest crying, not realizing that I shouldn't be in the forest so late. I didn't realize anything because I could only feel intense sadness and pain. I walked on a barely lit up treadmill and spoke loudly (it helps me cope) and then realized there was some man walking in front of me. I got quiet and as soon as I passed him I started running thinking he might turn around and chase me. That's when it hit me that I was acting really impulsive and reckless and was risking my own life. I ran back home crying even more because I could've died that day. When I came back home I sat in my bedroom and kept thinking about the same thing over and over until I hated myself even more. I started thinking that the man who blocked me knows I'm crazy even though I never showed him how I reacted when he did something like this. That night I almost killed myself. But I waited out till the morning to make my decision. In the morning I wasn't suicidal anymore and I couldn't understand why I reacted so intensely. I actually always think I would deal with something calmly, but once it happens I turn into a demon. A demon that destructs themselves and thinks everyone hates them.
My reactions to pain are impulsive and self destructive. Everytime I'm hurt I run outside like a maniac, harm myself, drink or beat myself up in other ways. Sometimes I post some depressive quote on social media but it happens very rarely because I'm so aware of BPD and black and white thinking that I am capable of enduring the pain quietly and reminding myself even during the mental breakdown that I'll regret posting something that affected my reputation. Since I care so much about having people in my life my reputation is everything to me and on the times I did post crazy things I thought I completely lost myself. I was at my worst.
I know something like a block shouldn't hurt so much. But to me it's the end of the world. Fear of abandonment is really and issue to me, but so far I'm still not diagnosed.
At 17 I started self harming because I lost the capability to control my anger and sadness and my black and white thinking was even worse.
That same year I started going to therapy, but my therapist was a very old lady who didn't really help me much. She actually retired pretty soon after I started. So I stopped going and then at 18/19 I started therapy again. My new therapist was a man and he often made me feel uncomfortable, but then again I'm a sensitive person who feels uncomfortable around men in general.
One day I revealed to him that I self harm. That I'm often reckless. And since I go to social studies where I study psychology I'm aware of BPD so I thought I had it. But he told me not to worry and said I didn't have BPD because 1. I don't go and sleep around with random people and 2. I don't drive recklessly. I thought it was strange that he thinks it's not BPD just because I don't have these two particular behaviours. And I don't even have a drivers licence so the latter is basically impossible to do eitherway. Anyways, all the other things that often appear in BPD patients like drinking alcohol everytime they get a mental breakdown or being overly sensitive and unstable are very true to me. I constantly do reckless things when I'm hurt or mad. If I'm sad it's always the rockbottom. There's no inbetween. One time a man I used to talk to decided to block me out of the blue when I didn't even bother him. I started hating and blaming myself. I thought it was my fault and freaked out. My thinking turned completely black. And this happened at midnight so I left my house and ran outside. I ran into a dark and foggy forest crying, not realizing that I shouldn't be in the forest so late. I didn't realize anything because I could only feel intense sadness and pain. I walked on a barely lit up treadmill and spoke loudly (it helps me cope) and then realized there was some man walking in front of me. I got quiet and as soon as I passed him I started running thinking he might turn around and chase me. That's when it hit me that I was acting really impulsive and reckless and was risking my own life. I ran back home crying even more because I could've died that day. When I came back home I sat in my bedroom and kept thinking about the same thing over and over until I hated myself even more. I started thinking that the man who blocked me knows I'm crazy even though I never showed him how I reacted when he did something like this. That night I almost killed myself. But I waited out till the morning to make my decision. In the morning I wasn't suicidal anymore and I couldn't understand why I reacted so intensely. I actually always think I would deal with something calmly, but once it happens I turn into a demon. A demon that destructs themselves and thinks everyone hates them.
My reactions to pain are impulsive and self destructive. Everytime I'm hurt I run outside like a maniac, harm myself, drink or beat myself up in other ways. Sometimes I post some depressive quote on social media but it happens very rarely because I'm so aware of BPD and black and white thinking that I am capable of enduring the pain quietly and reminding myself even during the mental breakdown that I'll regret posting something that affected my reputation. Since I care so much about having people in my life my reputation is everything to me and on the times I did post crazy things I thought I completely lost myself. I was at my worst.
I know something like a block shouldn't hurt so much. But to me it's the end of the world. Fear of abandonment is really and issue to me, but so far I'm still not diagnosed.
