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My therapist told me I don't have BPD but...

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ElijaJank

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Oct 30, 2020
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I'm a 20 year old woman who had been struggling mentally ever since I can remember.
At 17 I started self harming because I lost the capability to control my anger and sadness and my black and white thinking was even worse.
That same year I started going to therapy, but my therapist was a very old lady who didn't really help me much. She actually retired pretty soon after I started. So I stopped going and then at 18/19 I started therapy again. My new therapist was a man and he often made me feel uncomfortable, but then again I'm a sensitive person who feels uncomfortable around men in general.
One day I revealed to him that I self harm. That I'm often reckless. And since I go to social studies where I study psychology I'm aware of BPD so I thought I had it. But he told me not to worry and said I didn't have BPD because 1. I don't go and sleep around with random people and 2. I don't drive recklessly. I thought it was strange that he thinks it's not BPD just because I don't have these two particular behaviours. And I don't even have a drivers licence so the latter is basically impossible to do eitherway. Anyways, all the other things that often appear in BPD patients like drinking alcohol everytime they get a mental breakdown or being overly sensitive and unstable are very true to me. I constantly do reckless things when I'm hurt or mad. If I'm sad it's always the rockbottom. There's no inbetween. One time a man I used to talk to decided to block me out of the blue when I didn't even bother him. I started hating and blaming myself. I thought it was my fault and freaked out. My thinking turned completely black. And this happened at midnight so I left my house and ran outside. I ran into a dark and foggy forest crying, not realizing that I shouldn't be in the forest so late. I didn't realize anything because I could only feel intense sadness and pain. I walked on a barely lit up treadmill and spoke loudly (it helps me cope) and then realized there was some man walking in front of me. I got quiet and as soon as I passed him I started running thinking he might turn around and chase me. That's when it hit me that I was acting really impulsive and reckless and was risking my own life. I ran back home crying even more because I could've died that day. When I came back home I sat in my bedroom and kept thinking about the same thing over and over until I hated myself even more. I started thinking that the man who blocked me knows I'm crazy even though I never showed him how I reacted when he did something like this. That night I almost killed myself. But I waited out till the morning to make my decision. In the morning I wasn't suicidal anymore and I couldn't understand why I reacted so intensely. I actually always think I would deal with something calmly, but once it happens I turn into a demon. A demon that destructs themselves and thinks everyone hates them.
My reactions to pain are impulsive and self destructive. Everytime I'm hurt I run outside like a maniac, harm myself, drink or beat myself up in other ways. Sometimes I post some depressive quote on social media but it happens very rarely because I'm so aware of BPD and black and white thinking that I am capable of enduring the pain quietly and reminding myself even during the mental breakdown that I'll regret posting something that affected my reputation. Since I care so much about having people in my life my reputation is everything to me and on the times I did post crazy things I thought I completely lost myself. I was at my worst.
I know something like a block shouldn't hurt so much. But to me it's the end of the world. Fear of abandonment is really and issue to me, but so far I'm still not diagnosed.
 
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Purpleplum

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You could have some qualities of a disorder but not meet all of the criteria for the disorder which would not lead to a diagnosis of it.
 
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Elisante

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Ιt is a given that by studying psychology you will identify with a lot of the disorders.

I don't know much about bpd, but have you thought about getting a second opinion from another therapist?
 
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ElijaJank

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Ιt is a given that by studying psychology you will identify with a lot of the disorders.

I don't know much about bpd, but have you thought about getting a second opinion from another therapist?
I have thought of asking another therapist, but I myself doubt if I have bpd so I feel like it's not worth to pay money and hear the same things.

The thing is I'm ok until something that has to do with abandonment happens. Then like I already said, it feels as if it was end of the world. I become suicidal over such little things, like being ghosted. None of the young people I know act like me.
Now I think that maybe I just have PTSD and that's where abandonment issues come from. But I know that there's definitely something wrong.
 
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Nukelavee

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1. I don't go and sleep around with random people and 2. I don't drive recklessly.
Those aren't exactly core traits. I don't know if you have BPD, but you should try to find another doctor to get a different opinion.
 
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Girl interupted

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Regardless of whether you have BPD or not, you need to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with -- one that you can talk about the things that take your courage.

It's been my experience that the only way out of the chaos of BPD is through -- you need to deal with your traumas in order to move past them.

You can't do that with someone you don't trust.

Don't focus on the disorder/diagnosis, focus instead on what you are feeling, and do the hard work in therapy to identify and understand why you are the way you are.
 
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