- Feb 4, 2019
I had a teacher in high school who I got attached to. She allowed me to be in her class all 4 years. I've literally never even had a friendship last that long. No one in my life has ever acted as caring as she was toward me, and so I started seeing her as a mother figure. I frequently feared that I was burdening. A lot of times, I'd "jokingly" ask her if she hated me. When I was in high school I would realize all of my thoughts were irrational as soon as we'd interact again. That changed after graduating since I no longer would see her. Therefore, if she didn't return a message, my irrational thoughts would only keep building up. I selfishly took it personally. I let my own false thoughts hurt me and ended up sending a bunch of mean messages. She gave me so many chances but each time I'd blow it. After I'd realized what I did, I'd feel so guilty that I was making her put up with my behavior. I didn't want her to keep putting up with me so I pushed her to the point that she had to block me. Basically, I violated all of her boundaries as self-sabotage. It was such an idiotic thing to do and I knew I'd regret it. I didn't know how hard it would be to move on. It hurts me to think that she'd feel too uncomfortable to see me now. It would bring her joy to see any of her other past students & it would've been the same for me if I hadn't acted crazy. I don't know how to not care what she thinks of me now. She was the only person who made me feel worthy and gave me reassurance in high school. But I did this to myself. I wanted for her to not care or be burdened by me. It's like I have 2 different people in my head that want opposite things and just can't find a middle ground. Whenever I listen to the part of me that feels guilty and regretful, how do I stop hurting and just accept the fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore?