My suicidal friend is overly-dependent on me and I don't know how our friendship can go on?

A

afriendinneed

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Sorry for the very long story but I am feeling very lost.

For the two years I have known my best friend she has struggled with serious suicidal thoughts and attempted to take her life. I have over the years tried to be there for her, answering my phone, talking her through things, doing some of her uni work for her that she is not motivated to do. I know her very well and I truly love her but whilst she is always telling me she is grateful for my help she also tells me I am the reason she is still alive and she is staying alive for my sake.

Equally, we are living together which has further removed any boundaries we ever had and means we regularly get on each others nerves as in reality we are very different people. Whilst she is sometimes the most supportive and loving friend she can be incredibly cruel to me. She makes digs at me when she is in a bad mood, and she puts me down when we are on front of other people, brining up personal things about me that I've told her make me uncomfortable, and she just laughs saying she "loves me really."

Another issue is that she is constantly angry at me for small things i do. If i accidentally interrupt her while she's talking she will stop talking to me all day and not explain why and ignores me when i try to apologise. She also gets very angry at me when i don't reply to her messages quickly when I'm not with her but equally calls me clingy in front of other people. I find myself constantly apologising for everything i do and making exceptions and excuses for her.

I know she is a good person and that she is not to blame for her actions a lot of the time because she is at the liberty of a very hurt and damaged mind. She has had an incredibly hard life and I am immensely proud that she can even get up in the morning, and that is why I feel so guilty and so unable to distance myself from her but our friendship is unhealthy and incredibly draining. And whilst its not her fault, she is constantly the source of my tears and since trying to help her tackle her depression I have fallen under some of the lowest spells of mental health I have ever faced.

I do not know how to get boundaries and a life of my own without hurting her, anytime I try to get distance she gets angry and upset with me, making sly comments and she stops letting me help her all-together.

Any advice would be seriously appreciated.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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hi x welcome x
that is far too much pressure to be put upon you x
I know she can't help lots of what she is doing but you are not her carer and she seems to be treating you as such
she needs other people in her life she can call on when in need not just you x if you are not careful you may become unwell yourself from the strain of it all x
it is not healthy for a person just to have one other person in their life to lean on for support
you need to try and set some boundaries ,maybe try and slowly introduce other people into her life so you are not the only one she calls on for help
im sorry you are going through this ,it is so good and caring of you to help her but you must look after yourself first and foremost
lots of love Fairy Lu xxxx
 
blacksmoke

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Hello afriendinneed. Sometimes people are just so damaged that we cant ‘help’ them. don’t forget that you are not a psychologist or even a psychiatrist for that matter.

When some one tells me stuff like -I am the reason they are still alive and is staying alive for my sake. Then alarm bells would ring for me in that, ‘whoa there I am in over my head here.’ That is one heck of a thing to put on anybody.

It would be helpful if she had some counselling to start to take some personal responsibility, because otherwise if you are not careful you will buckle under the strain of such a responsibility .

I know she is a good person and that she is not to blame for her actions a lot of the time because she is at the liberty of a very hurt and damaged mind. She has had an incredibly hard life
That’s as maybe but just be careful that you don’t sink with this. I knew of someone who from the time they got married to the time they died felt sorry for their spouse and yet the spouse wore the trousers in the relationship and not only that they crushed their spouse’s spirit very sad really.

Have you ever heard of co-dependancy?
 
Hopefuloldie

Hopefuloldie

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Hi. I think no matter how ill we are, we still need to be held to account for our actions, our behaviour, and the impact we have on others. You have every right to protect your own wellbeing while being a supportive friend, and equally, your friend has some responsibilities towards you xx
 
midnightphoenix

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Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:

You are not responsible for your friend, she has to help herself as well by getting professional help if she hasn't already :hug:

Not quite the same but I had a online friend several years ago who was suicidial, sadly she didn't make it, we was in different time zones and one night i went offline to sleep and when i went back online after i'd slept i got the news that she'd chosen her exit, it's taken me a long time to learn that i was not responsible for her decision and i could not be expected to save her when i couldnt even save myself back then :hug:

the point i'm trying to make with this is whatever happens to your friend, it is not your fault :grouphug:
 
A

afriendinneed

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Hi and welcome to the forum :welcome:

You are not responsible for your friend, she has to help herself as well by getting professional help if she hasn't already :hug:

Not quite the same but I had a online friend several years ago who was suicidial, sadly she didn't make it, we was in different time zones and one night i went offline to sleep and when i went back online after i'd slept i got the news that she'd chosen her exit, it's taken me a long time to learn that i was not responsible for her decision and i could not be expected to save her when i couldnt even save myself back then :hug:

the point i'm trying to make with this is whatever happens to your friend, it is not your fault :grouphug:
Thank you very much for sharing your experience, I am so sorry you lost your friend, it must have taken a lot of strength to get to where you are now but you are right thank you, someone else's life is not our responsibility to save.
 
A

afriendinneed

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hi x welcome x
that is far too much pressure to be put upon you x
I know she can't help lots of what she is doing but you are not her carer and she seems to be treating you as such
she needs other people in her life she can call on when in need not just you x if you are not careful you may become unwell yourself from the strain of it all x
it is not healthy for a person just to have one other person in their life to lean on for support
you need to try and set some boundaries ,maybe try and slowly introduce other people into her life so you are not the only one she calls on for help
im sorry you are going through this ,it is so good and caring of you to help her but you must look after yourself first and foremost
lots of love Fairy Lu xxxx

Thank you very much I will definitely try to set some boundaries whilst helping her create a better support network.
Thank you it is lovely to hear such warm responses
xxx
 
A

afriendinneed

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Hello afriendinneed. Sometimes people are just so damaged that we cant ‘help’ them. don’t forget that you are not a psychologist or even a psychiatrist for that matter.

When some one tells me stuff like -I am the reason they are still alive and is staying alive for my sake. Then alarm bells would ring for me in that, ‘whoa there I am in over my head here.’ That is one heck of a thing to put on anybody.

It would be helpful if she had some counselling to start to take some personal responsibility, because otherwise if you are not careful you will buckle under the strain of such a responsibility .


That’s as maybe but just be careful that you don’t sink with this. I knew of someone who from the time they got married to the time they died felt sorry for their spouse and yet the spouse wore the trousers in the relationship and not only that they crushed their spouse’s spirit very sad really.

Have you ever heard of co-dependancy?

Hi,
Thank you, you're right its definitely a lot of responsibility and I would love to share it by getting her some professional help but unfortunately she hasn't enjoyed therapy in the past but has said in the past she would try it again for me but it is hard to get her to actually go
.
But you are right it is definitely worth trying again and I will try to support her in finding help.

I'm sorry that is very sad to hear. Yes certainly, co-dependancy is a very unhealthy foundation for a relationship. i think it's important I help her widen her circle and gain some boundaries to salvage our friendship and wellbeing whilst I can


Thank you and Best Wishes
 
A

afriendinneed

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Hi. I think no matter how ill we are, we still need to be held to account for our actions, our behaviour, and the impact we have on others. You have every right to protect your own wellbeing while being a supportive friend, and equally, your friend has some responsibilities towards you xx
Hi,

Yes that is true, I have also realised If I always give in and let things go she's only going to establish unhealthy ideas about relationships and how you can treat people which will only make her future relationships more challenging.

And thank you very much it is nice to hear that sometimes, I am going to start getting some space and looking after my own wellbeing more

Thank you xxx
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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I don’t know of anyone who enjoy’s therapy. And she again is doing it for you. Why cant she do it for herself I wonder? And the reason I ask that is that maybe she doesn’t want to face what she needs to address. and that is just what she needs to do to start moving on in her life. Just saying.
 
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