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My story...

S

ShadowNight

New member
Joined
Oct 11, 2009
Messages
2
OK, this might be long so I apologise in advance. I know that no one on here can diagnose me with anything and that is up to my psychiatrist, but she just doesn't seem to understand that I might have an issue with food because I am at a normal weight.

Where to start, well, I have been funny with food for years. Several years back I was hardly eating, not because I wanted to lose weight or anything, maybe I was too depressed or anxious or something. Anyway, as I got better, so did my eating, and my weight crept back up to a normal weight. Then I got ill again and was put on my first lot of anti psychotics, which made me put on a lot of weight, in a very short time. I got taken off those, partly for that reason, but then a year later I was put on some anti depressants that also made me gain weight. I am now off those too. But since then I have been bothered about my weight. Statistically, I am not overweight, at 6ft tall I am a healthy weight for my size. I know this because my psychiatrist measured and weighed me (and I constantly weigh myself).

Yet, I am still bothered. I know weight is only a number and that I shouldn't be bothered about it but I am. Why? Because it is a measure of my self control. How well I can deny myself of food, how well I can starve myself. And sometimes I do starve myself. I used to have a rule that if I didn't eat breakfast that I wasn't allowed to eat for the rest of the day. Now once I stop eating I find it so hard to start again, that I have made myself sick after eating because of the guilt. I want to see those numbers on the scales go down so much, and I know that this yoyoing of eating and not eating isn't the best way to lose weight, but then it comes onto my other problem; actually eating.

I used to enjoy eating, like most people, but now I feel disgusting for doing it. Like I have been bad and am doing something dirty. I feel like I should be pure and clean and the only I can do that is to be empty of food. I am normally ok with liquids but sometimes I even struggle with water, I don't want to put anything inside me. And once it is I want it out, asap, by any means possible even if it means being sick or taking laxatives.

So to sum up, I want to lose weight, but not to be thinner (though I would like to be thinner) and I hate eating, love starving myself, make myself sick when I do eat and hate myself when I'm eating and when I'm not. Sometimes I like this, and think I'm going to lose weight and feel great, but other times I know it's all an illusion and that I'm just making more problems for myself. I don't know what to do. Help! :cry:
 
greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
1,027
Location
north norfolk
If I was you I would find your local eating disorder group and talk to them. It seems to me that you have a serious problem with food.
 
D

DoneIt_EndedIt

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2009
Messages
13
..;

i feel the same hang in there and it does sound like you have a pronlem try to find support groups x
 
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