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my story

T

*true-smile*

Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2009
Messages
6
im 17 and my name is jodi, and i have bi polar disorder and anxiety problems and iv feel like iv just beat my illness and am in control for the first time ever. i started self harming when i was 7, i used to staple my fingers just to pull them out again, was only when i was about 12 that i discovered the stanley blade. by that age i was scared of my own mind to terrified to even open the door to my black hole, my bedroom, the place full of thoughts and black, my cutting became obsessive and i would carry a blade every where i went and pencil round the ones i left in my room so i would no if any 1 had moved them. the cutting was my deepest secret that no 1 in the world new, only me and the thought that any 1 new would make me physically sick. but u can only hide things for so long but when the thoughts and voices in my mind changed to more sinister suicide thoughts i new something had to be done, no matter how hard or terrifyin so i decided that i needed to tell my mum and when the time approached i simply couldnt force the words out of my mouth whole body shakin but it did come out eventualy, a babbled mess of confesions and pent up fear. the moring after she told my dad how bad things had got and they phoned my doctor who i had quite a bond with as id visit him twice a week certain i was dying of a brain tumor. after my doctors appointment i had my first phonecall off a phyciatrist, i instantly disliked him for no reason what so ever. that night my longest low patch lifted and i suddenly felt amazing, yes i though im back! a warm undescribable glow flowed through my veins, i was on my way up to my happy place, the excitment started in my toes and surge up my body like a tidalwave and i ran and ran at the pure exhilaration i felt, better that drugs, love even cutting! even though i no that the aftermath of this high period is a devastating low, i would give anythin to feel that again, that up and go and non stop adrenile, i no its pure evil but its also bitterly sweet and completly amazing, any way that night i had sex with two different boys whilst blindingly drunk and buzzing off my own unknown illness. i got pregnant that night but miscarried at 6 weeks, i blamed my mental state, because i was brimming with adrenaline relaxing wasnt an option so tense and sleep deprived, wat sort of incubator is that to a child, this brought on a life changin low and i sat in my black hole for two weeks only leaving it to go to the toilet, even that was a terrifing expirience. so when my mum came and told me that in a told me that ihad my first appointment with a phyciatrist i was devistated, no no no why now why not two weeks ago when i was capable of human conversation, why now when i cant even face my own reflection. but went, i never forget the first time i went there, the brightest light ever forced on my eyes a hospital smell uncomfortable silence along with my own crippling fear. my name was called, and hour i was in there i was looking at the clock and the door the hole time the shrink and mum and dad did the most talking. six weeks passed and i opend up a bit more every time, then i had my six week reveiw my first 1, i thought i was going to be pleasently suprised, but no, i was diagnosed, bi-polar and the conversation soon turned to therapy and medication and the home they had for under eighteens they run, that they believed would help. lithium was the drug of choice. i was 14 i would have been the youngest person ever to have been put on a 5 year lithium plan. i couldnt believe my ears, NO! all these years i had been convinced i was mad and terrified it was true and all they did was confirm that, i wanted them to tell me it was teenage angst and a patch i would get over but no i was mad! diagnosed! when i got home i was shell shocked and ran out of my house and ran and ran away stole my mums bank card hospitalised my dad and ran. only got 6 miles the state i was in and police then carted me home. a few days later i returned to the phyciatrist with a terrified and emotional mother and worried and confused father. my dad was unsure about medication and wanted to research lithium before he decided any thing, my mum believed them heart and soul though and just wanted to do anything she could to make me better, she even agreed to put me in the under eighteens mental home on a 12 days in 12 days out basis, iwas terrified my life was no longer my choice it was in other peoples hands. why why why did i tell her she gonna nut me off, im mad! but my dad researched lithium and said not a chance! he refused to let them drug me up, i was cheering inside and he believed that making me stay somewhere that i was even more unhappy was not the way foward, they start to my recovery. i started to gain control of my thought paths and new the tell tale sings of when i was getting into what i call dangerous thinking! and avoiding it or faceing it head on no matter how scary it may be i couldnt lie to myself any more i wanted to live again conrol my life and not to be contoled by this inless that has haunted my life. my up and downs got less extreme and i worked out my own ways to deal with them, i no i will never get rid of them for good extreme or not but ifeel in control now. the cutting didnt stop i felt that my mental state and thoughts were important and needed to be faced first but now im cut free for a yr. i now have a boyfriend of 3 years and beautiful son of 17 months and couldnt be happier im proud n strong and want to help people that need help, from some one who has been there and pulled through, i no i will never get rid of this but thats no the aim, aim to control it and live a stable succesful life. and i really believe that having some 1 to confide in is realy the way foward, weither its mum, dad nan doctor phyciatrist or stranger on a forum that u have never met, its still a step foward and a positive change of breaking this illness and this cycle that claims so many minds and lives. if i cant be there for even 1 person i will be happy that iv done what my mother did for me and
changed my life forever
 
jax

jax

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
868
Location
Belfast, N.Ireland
Jodi = my concentration is pretty bad atm - so I coudln't read your post - sorry. I just wanted to say hello.
 
S

suzy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2009
Messages
1,064
I managed some but the words make my eyes go funny. Thanks for sharing I am glad things are going well for you :)
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Jody

As I said before it is a truly inspirational story, I wish you all the best with your recovery.

As a suggestion, people find large blocks of text hard to read. It might help others to read your story if you separate your text with some paragraphs as it becomes alot easier to read and follow.

Just like I have done on this post.
Take care and again well done on your success :)
 
jax

jax

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
868
Location
Belfast, N.Ireland
I wanted to say about making paragraphs too = but didn't want to offend. Thanks Sapphire.
Jacqui
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
hi jodi, welcome. glad to here your feeling better. sounds like youve had a tough time. speak to you soon x:)
 
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