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My Story

T

Tonyy

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Earth
Hi. I'm a boy and I'm currently 19 years old. I've been shy and quiet my whole life so it takes really long for me to trust people and make friends. I get nervous along with strange people. I remember lying to my friends that I can't come to play mostly just because I wanted to be alone, by myself. I never played any sport because there was too many people. That was the reasons I started private guitar lessons when I was 11 instead of public music school.

When I went to first grade I got a few good friends. I was 7 at the time. 6 years later after the last grade, everyone moved to new school. All of us moved into the same school but we had different classes so our friend group kinda disbanded a lot.

When I was 13 my other friends got a lot of new friends and I spent less time with them. I started to isolate myself from them. Others had always called me and asked to hang out. I never called anyone. Now no one called me anymore and it bothered me. I started to feel really down all the time and kinda angry. I had about 3 friends that I still spent time with. We met mostly in the internet. I felt alone when I was with my friends. I felt like a third wheel all the time.

I overheard my mom talking to her friend about why I was like this. My mom said that it's just who I am. I constantly kept hearing about how quiet and calm I was (Like I was some kind of weirdo). Some people told straight to my face how weird I was. I couldn't say anything but I was really mad inside. I still am. I felt really depressed.

It got easier when school ended and 3 of my friends and I went to study electrical engineering. I had friends but still I wasn't happy and felt really lonely and kinda invisible. I was 16 years old. I was used to be alone. Thinking about how lonely I was made me sad. I had "seizures" when I couldn't stop crying.

When I turned 18, I went to army which is mandatory in my country (I'm still there). I had a lot of free weekends that I spent at home. All of us had driving licenses so we used to go driving together a lot when I had vacation from the army.
3 of my friends that I spent most of my free time for years, died in a car accident couple months ago. The car drove to a forest in a tight curve. They couldn't get out but the car caught on a big fire and no one couldn't save them.
I wasn't with them because I was in the army but I probably would have if I would have had a free day.

I went to speak to the captain and I got one free day from the army so I can go to their funerals. I had two of my best friend funerals at the same day. At the same evening I left back to the army crying.

I had been feeling depressed and sad for the last 5 years and this certainly didn't help it. I've never talked to anyone about how I feel and I don't know how. I'm really introvert. But it feels like my thoughts and feelings keeps getting stacked inside me and some day I will explode. I don't want to look like an attention seeker and It just feels embarrasing. I don't want my dad seeing me crying.

I regret that I wasn't more social when I was younger and I feel like I wasted my youth which is supposed to be the best time of our lives.
I'm 19 and I've never had a girlfriend. I have a place in school that I'm going to start soon but thinking about it makes me feel more depressed because I know I will be more lonely.
I keep thinking about what then when my parents passes away.
I have a few people I hang out with sometimes but somehow I don't consider anyone my "friend".
I have a place in a great school. A job if I need one. But still, thinking about future scares me.
No one ever told me if I even had a depression or anything else. Maybe I'm just sad all the time. I don't remember how it feels to be happy.

No one has ever heard my story and It felt really good writing it here.
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
2,441
Hey :)

Welcome! Sorry to hear what you've been through - it's really brave to put this out there. Community here is quite nice and supportive, hope you enjoy your time here!x

Much love <3
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
45,693
Location
Lancashire
The death of your friends must have been devastating and to die in that manner too. You are probably still grieving for them and don't realise it. We can get stuck in grief over time and it can sap our energy and strength.

I think you might need to talk to a doc about how you are feeling and see if anyone can help you. I would also suggest some form of therapy to get to the root of why you feel this way. You are only 19 so you haven't wasted your youth! You still have a vast amount of time ahead of you that can bring different experiences. But you do need to get to the root of why you feel this way.

When we are in a depression (you queried this) we see everything through that lens and can''t remember a time when it was different. But you did make friends and so you are able to find alternative ways of being. I am pleased that you were able to write it all down and that that felt good. Keep talking and let us listen to you.

By the way, which country are you from? Interested
 
T

Tonyy

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Earth
Finland.
Within the next hour I have to leave back to the army. It hurts to leave home for another week. I have people there that I spend time with but they are not my friends.
Last time I had to stop while I was driving because I was crying and I started to hyperventilate.
I still have one friend but unlike me he has a lot of other friends. So we don't see much anymore.
I still live with my parents but I can't open up to them.
I don't have no one anymore and it hurts more then you would think. If I talk to someone they would just think that I'm seeking attention. I have people around me but I've always felt like a outsider.
 
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