My Story.

L

LostSprings

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Joined
Aug 13, 2019
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2
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Wyoming, USA
This is going to be an incredibly shortened version. I have no idea if this is the right place to post this but I just need to talk about it and I have nobody to go to. This may seem disjointed, or just a bunch of run-on sentences, but that is for simplicity and time.

I am 21 years old. I have suffered from depression for many years now, and was officially diagnosed in March of 2018. I was on anti depressants until about June 2018 because I couldn't afford them anymore. The anti depressants didn't help much anyway. I can't afford therapy.

I grew up in a single parent household with an abusive mother. She was emotionally absent for me growing up, never physically abusive. My father was absent from my life growing up almost entirely. I never had many friends in school, and was bullied often. I have never had much luck with women and only really had one relationship, one with an emotional abuser who I fell obsessively in love with whom I will refer to as A. She would be the perfect girlfriend one day and cold the next. This was her method of abuse.

In 2016 I had my own house, a girlfriend, a decent paying industrial job, and I had friends and hobbies. I felt like my life was going great. Then in 2017, A and I split apart, most of my friends either moved away or simply didn't talk to me anymore, my hobbies I couldn't afford anymore, and in 2018, I ended up losing my house and my job. I have been unemployed since December of 2018 after being fired for "Negative attitude" which I attribute to my bitterness and depression.

I think about my ex girlfriend on a near daily basis. She abused me and I hate her for that, but I still love her. My heart will not let her go no matter how many times my brain remembers how she abused me. She seems happy without me and from what mutual friends have told me, she is. Because of that I haven't made any attempt to contact her since January of 2018. She is, to me, the biggest reason I am so depressed.

I feel as though my life has fallen apart and that I have nothing to show for the last three years except bitterness. None of my few remaining friends want to talk to me about this because they, in their own words, are tired of hearing me talk about my ex all the time. I have no money, no job, few friends, no relationship, nothing. 2019 so far has been one of the hardest years of my life to get through. I sleep until roughly noon most days, usually late into the afternoon on weekends. Most of my time is just spent sitting at home playing video games because I simply have no motivation to leave the house anymore unless I have to. I'm starting college in about two weeks at the behest of my grandfather but I am terrified that my depression will cause me to drop out or fail.

I have tried to get a new job but after 31 applications with 2 phone calls politely telling me they weren't interested I have given up. I have tried relationships with other women but it never works because they aren't like my old girlfriend. I am at my wit's end and I'm losing hope a little more by the day. I don't know what to do to make me feel better anymore.
 
calypso

calypso

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Hello and welcome to the forum. You sound obsessed about your ex and that is unhealthy but you know this. When we are abused in childhood often that is the only relationship we know so we seek it again. This is all unconscious of course and it can lead to a very unhealthy approach to relationships. I suspect she ticked a lot of boxes for you but not necessarily the right boxes.

As for work, do you think that your depression comes over in the applications? Or perhaps your references tell them you were fired for being wrong face fitting in? If so can you get other referees for your jobs? It might make a difference.
 
L

LostSprings

New member
Joined
Aug 13, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Wyoming, USA
I think you might be right about her ticking the wrong boxes. Something I should have mentioned better is she was the first girl who had ever paid any attention to me, let alone had a relationship with me. I've never really had a healthy one. So normal relationships just seem weird to me, if that makes sense. I just wish I knew what to do about it.

I think my work problem stems from references. Or really, lack thereof. I've had three jobs in my life and all three of them I was either written up or fired for my attitude. So if you're a hiring manager and you see a guy who hasn't had a job in almost a year with no good references, it's not hard to decide if you should hire him or not.
 
FindingTheMeaning

FindingTheMeaning

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Joined
Aug 7, 2019
Messages
26
Location
USA
This is going to be an incredibly shortened version. I have no idea if this is the right place to post this but I just need to talk about it and I have nobody to go to. This may seem disjointed, or just a bunch of run-on sentences, but that is for simplicity and time.

I am 21 years old. I have suffered from depression for many years now, and was officially diagnosed in March of 2018. I was on anti depressants until about June 2018 because I couldn't afford them anymore. The anti depressants didn't help much anyway. I can't afford therapy.

I grew up in a single parent household with an abusive mother. She was emotionally absent for me growing up, never physically abusive. My father was absent from my life growing up almost entirely. I never had many friends in school, and was bullied often. I have never had much luck with women and only really had one relationship, one with an emotional abuser who I fell obsessively in love with whom I will refer to as A. She would be the perfect girlfriend one day and cold the next. This was her method of abuse.

In 2016 I had my own house, a girlfriend, a decent paying industrial job, and I had friends and hobbies. I felt like my life was going great. Then in 2017, A and I split apart, most of my friends either moved away or simply didn't talk to me anymore, my hobbies I couldn't afford anymore, and in 2018, I ended up losing my house and my job. I have been unemployed since December of 2018 after being fired for "Negative attitude" which I attribute to my bitterness and depression.

I think about my ex girlfriend on a near daily basis. She abused me and I hate her for that, but I still love her. My heart will not let her go no matter how many times my brain remembers how she abused me. She seems happy without me and from what mutual friends have told me, she is. Because of that I haven't made any attempt to contact her since January of 2018. She is, to me, the biggest reason I am so depressed.

I feel as though my life has fallen apart and that I have nothing to show for the last three years except bitterness. None of my few remaining friends want to talk to me about this because they, in their own words, are tired of hearing me talk about my ex all the time. I have no money, no job, few friends, no relationship, nothing. 2019 so far has been one of the hardest years of my life to get through. I sleep until roughly noon most days, usually late into the afternoon on weekends. Most of my time is just spent sitting at home playing video games because I simply have no motivation to leave the house anymore unless I have to. I'm starting college in about two weeks at the behest of my grandfather but I am terrified that my depression will cause me to drop out or fail.

I have tried to get a new job but after 31 applications with 2 phone calls politely telling me they weren't interested I have given up. I have tried relationships with other women but it never works because they aren't like my old girlfriend. I am at my wit's end and I'm losing hope a little more by the day. I don't know what to do to make me feel better anymore.
Man, I feel like I'm looking at a mirror when I read this. So fcking relatable man. 2019 has been a terrible year for me as well for a lot of the same reasons. I fell in love with a girl at my job. I loved spending time with her and eventually she learned about my depression. Despite her offering help, she abandoned me. I probably just shared too much too soon but I had no one to talk to and a lot of the reasons I was depressed was accentuated by her. I tell myself I should be fine and that its okay but the only thing I want is to be able to have one more conversation with her. I hate that I love her, but I can't seem to get over her. I lost my job because of her and that makes the pain even worse but I still wish I could talk to her. It just seems weird that the one person that seemed to make 2019 the worst year of my life is the only one I want to talk to. I had a really emotionally abusive childhood and gaining what seemed like even a small amount of affection triggered something within me and now I feel worried. Worried what I'll do and who I will become. I'm really hurt :'(

You're not alone man. The pain is real. It exists. There is hope out there, it's just hard to see.
 
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