My story.

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Paper Wings

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Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
10
#1
Hello, and thank you for visiting my thread.

My story with psychosis began about three years ago, when I started to smoke cannabis. My consumption increased when I broke up with my exgirlfriend of three months. I had cheated on her and I wanted to redeem myself by improving my life and morality, so I decided to get into Spiritual stuff. I was devastated after I cheated. I decided to tell her in an abrupt manner because I just felt too guilty to keep it a secret. Anyways, I got into a new lifestyle. I became a vegan and started to read about ancient philosophies and ways of life. I was also exercising a lot, which made me lose about 15 kilos. I was really convinced that my life had taken a turn for the best, in a very mystical and Spiritual way, since I was high all the time, and things had improved.

It was all fine and well until I met someone at the park a year after who had me scared because of his compromising way of speaking. I was high and drunk at the time, doing tricks on the bars. The thing is, after meeting this person something went off in my head. It felt almost as if a substance had been released on my brain, covering it completely. I started to feel paranoid and felt like my life was in danger, because this person somehow wanted to hurt me or my family. A couple days after I realized that cannabis was making the paranoia worse, so I decided to smoke three times a day instead of God knows how many. I really was a heavy cannabis user. The thing is, I noticed something was wrong. I started to drift away with my thoughts and started to think people at school were talking behind my back. At the time I didn't notice how contradictory my behavior was, given that the person I met at the park gave me good relationship advice that had me visiting an exgirlfriend I wanted to get back with, which resulted in us talking relatively often again. I was thankful but at the same time scared of him for some reason.

Months went by, I got over the fear and paranoia and got back to smoking a lot again. I was aboslutely convinced that my exgirlfriend wanted to sabotage a new relationship I was getting into, and that several other people were talking crap about me on social media. By this time I became very aware of my surroundings, and it seemed like I could listen to every conversation going on around me, thinking it was all about me. I even insulted some people thinking this.

My psychological addiction became more evident. I was irritated and in a bad mood when I didn't have weed to smoke, and all I could think about was getting some. One time, I didn't smoke for almost a week because I was short on money or was angry at some of my contacts. I was losing it. I got to school and approached some people that were talking and drinking coffee. I picked up one cup of coffee from their table, took a sip, and then I spit it out in front of them. Then continued on walking. Shortly after I was approached by some guy who was from the school staff. He asked for my school ID which I gave to him and then quickly took it off his hands, then I gave it back to him again. I ended up in a room where they were asking me all types of questions.

I became delusional and acted on it. I quickly ruined every single one of my relationships and accused one of my dealers of raping his girlfriend. I pushed my dad at some point, too, and started calling my sister names. I also thought that my dad was doing cocaine and my sister was doing acid. When the semester ended, all I did was smoke weed and walk around the city listening to rap music, doing this weird walk thinking I was training for some sort of ninja spiritual word, thought I was being followed by the CIA and that I had reached the 33th degree in Masonry and had spirit guides with me all the time. All this reading I did about spiritual stuff and methaphysics became my actual reality.

My dad noticed something and took me to a psychiatrist. I rapped to her about some conspiracy theories and ripped to shreds the prescription she gave me. At this point I was thinking that I was in the middle of some sort of psychological warfare and that they wanted to kill me. I also thought I was shot in the head and that I resurrected, like, they couldn't get rid of me.

The day they came for me I was at home eating breakfast, looking at Youtube videos. I noticed that my dad didn't go to work that day, and I just wanted him to leave so that I could smoke weed in peace. I remember having placed some of my weed inside a glass container with salt to "cure it". Anyways, two men entered the house and sat down next to me in the living room saying that they wanted to talk to me. Next thing I know I was fighting them off. We struggled for about 20 seconds. I can't remember what grip they had on me, but I couldn't breathe anymore, so I just gave up. They tied me up and took me away in an ambulance.

I was in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks. The doctors told me I had a drug induced psychosis. I remember telling the patients there that I got admitted because I fought with my neighbor, which was a lie. I made a friend that I still talk to this day, and also befriended a nurse and had a short fling with another patient. It was a very strange experience, because I wasn't fully out of it yet.

I got out and started smoking weed again. Same thoughts, same behavior. Until one day I woke up with a crippling anxiety and realised once again that weed made it worse. I decided to stop smoking it all together. I relapsed about three times, but stopped fully on December last year. I smoke a lot of tobaco now. Throughout this process I experienced a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, some derealisation and suicidal thoughts. I ended up taking high doses of clonazepam for a while.

After a year, I can say that I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again. I can't deny that I'm going through a lot still, like the stigma of mental illness, the fact that some people know what happened to me and look at me differentely, or at least, it feels like it. The depression, the shame, guilt, and regrets caused by everything I did while psychotic. The emotional flatness caused by meds, the lack of motivation and purpose and the lack of willpower. The fact that I'm now extremely aware of every single one of my thoughts fearing one of them could be similar to the ones I had while psychotic, the social anxiety, the thought that I may never be the same again. I think about this nearly everyday.
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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Jan 6, 2017
Messages
731
#2
So it was the weed that made you psychotic? Then you better stay away from it. Some of us are not as lucky to have a reason for the psychosis. I got psychotic without any weed or drugs. I've gotten a little better with prescription drugs though.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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#3
Thankyou for sharing your experience this helps others recognise the symptoms of psychosis and parts of it are similar to my episodes.

It's really helpful to stay away from drugs and alcohol after something like this, I haven't drank since 1999 but I used cannabis for 20 years and 3 years ago I had two episodes of psychosis and haven't touched anything since.
 
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Paper Wings

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Jan 6, 2019
Messages
10
#4
So it was the weed that made you psychotic? Then you better stay away from it. Some of us are not as lucky to have a reason for the psychosis. I got psychotic without any weed or drugs. I've gotten a little better with prescription drugs though.
Yes. That stuff is just not for me anymore. I haven't smoked in a little over a year and definitely don't plan on doing it.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad that meds have helped you out.
 
P

Paper Wings

Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2019
Messages
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#5
Thankyou for sharing your experience this helps others recognise the symptoms of psychosis and parts of it are similar to my episodes.

It's really helpful to stay away from drugs and alcohol after something like this, I haven't drank since 1999 but I used cannabis for 20 years and 3 years ago I had two episodes of psychosis and haven't touched anything since.
Yeah, even a little bit of alcohol makes me feel off. I can't tolerate being intoxicated with anything anymore.
 
C

coffeerox

Active member
Joined
May 7, 2018
Messages
27
#6
After a year, I can say that I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again. I can't deny that I'm going through a lot still, like the stigma of mental illness, the fact that some people know what happened to me and look at me differentely, or at least, it feels like it. The depression, the shame, guilt, and regrets caused by everything I did while psychotic. The emotional flatness caused by meds, the lack of motivation and purpose and the lack of willpower. The fact that I'm now extremely aware of every single one of my thoughts fearing one of them could be similar to the ones I had while psychotic, the social anxiety, the thought that I may never be the same again. I think about this nearly everyday.
Glad to hear that you are doing better. One of the most difficult things about psychosis is accepting the harsh truth. For me, it was erroneous spiritual beliefs which led to creating a lot of conflicting delusions. What was similar between us was that we were both robbed of nutrition. You became vegan & I went on keto. These diets are really poor in nutrition & combined with the other stuff, creates a situation where the body & mind breaks down. The marijuana also has an effect on the mind which can lead to psychosis. I think about two months ago, I came into heavy second hand contact with marijuana and it actually made my voices worse.

The fact that I'm now extremely aware of every single one of my thoughts fearing one of them could be similar to the ones I had while psychotic, the social anxiety, the thought that I may never be the same again. I think about this nearly everyday.
I feel like that too. I never had anxiety before psychosis and now I know what it is and it feels terrible. To be honest, it's difficult to imagine what it's like to be normal again after going through psychosis.
 
H

hydroescape

New member
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Jan 7, 2019
Messages
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#8
I had a similar experience. Dealing with the stress of college I started taking more and more Vyvanse (my prescription had recently been changed from Adderall). At first it began with some paranoid thoughts and some strange feelings, by the end of it I began to notice I was very psychologically dependent on it. Long story short I began to become incredibly manic. Once the medication ran out I began to have paranoid delusions accusing my roommate of downloading viruses on my computer, thinking that people were coming after me, and believing that people were going to hurt me. I had a promising career ahead of me but the stress, amphetamines, and sleep deprivation just created the perfect storm. Now I am taking school off due to the incident and am really not looking forward to coming back.
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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Sep 15, 2018
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336
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Aalestrup --Dk
#9
I had a similar experience. Dealing with the stress of college I started taking more and more Vyvanse (my prescription had recently been changed from Adderall). At first it began with some paranoid thoughts and some strange feelings, by the end of it I began to notice I was very psychologically dependent on it. Long story short I began to become incredibly manic. Once the medication ran out I began to have paranoid delusions accusing my roommate of downloading viruses on my computer, thinking that people were coming after me, and believing that people were going to hurt me. I had a promising career ahead of me but the stress, amphetamines, and sleep deprivation just created the perfect storm. Now I am taking school off due to the incident and am really not looking forward to coming back.
I Dropped out, of school -- I Regret it bitterly, Now I Don't have an in-come, or even, a house x x If you can get better, return, to school -- My friend <3 <3<3
 
boudreauj4

boudreauj4

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#10
I had to drop out of college because of my first psychotic episode, but after a year I started going back to a different college. At first I only took two classes to see if I could do it and I got good grades. So then I went back full time and eventually got a 2 year Associates Degree. With this degree I got a good job at IBM where I worked for 12 years before my schizophrenia came back, bad this time, and I ended up losing my job. So the college really was a good thing for me to do. I was able to save up some retirement money in those 12 years that I worked.
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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#11
I had to drop out of college because of my first psychotic episode, but after a year I started going back to a different college. At first I only took two classes to see if I could do it and I got good grades. So then I went back full time and eventually got a 2 year Associates Degree. With this degree I got a good job at IBM where I worked for 12 years before my schizophrenia came back, bad this time, and I ended up losing my job. So the college really was a good thing for me to do. I was able to save up some retirement money in those 12 years that I worked.
Wish That had been me, Money, Cars, A house, So Nice to have x x