My Story: Triumph or Defeat?!

[Sandy]

Hi guys,
I was always a high achiever at school and even at an early age. Let me stress the importance of keeping active, healthy diet and regular sleep. Because as I grew older especially as I hit my teens? I deprived myself of sleep and there was an ongoing tension between my two parents in the Family. Most Importantly I was deprived of love from my Father of whom I loved very much
. My mother cared for me but she was too involved in her issues with my Father.

My grades began to slip at school and I was spiralling out of control into a deep depression. On that fateful day I went manic. I was hospitalized for about 3 months. Where I had regular visits from my Family and eagerly wanted to go home. I cried myself to sleep every night and the delusions and frightening hallucinations didn't help. I thought the nurses and doctors in the hospital were planning to torture and kill me. It was always the sad depressing songs in my head that seemed to make me all the more emotional. This was at the age of 15.

I was just finishing my GCSEs (Secondary School Education). I didn't do bad at all as I had done all the previous work prior to the illness. The final year was just taking exams and finishing off previously started projects.

I attempted A levels but couldn't cope and took some time out to refocus. I went on 12 week course that involved various teamwork activities and challenges which I successfully completed. With the help of my mother I returned to do my A levels (2 years prior to going to uni). I came out with below average grades and off to university I went.

But this is where the problem has begun..I have been doing okay...finished my first semester with below average grades. But by the second semester decided to change my course to music. I made all the preparations but then decided to stay on my course because the anxiety and uncertainty was all too overwhelming. I am halfway through my second semester but falling behind on assignments and may decide I want to drop out of university.

I am currently in a Bipolar 2 depressive phase and it seems I cannot complete anything I start. My mind changes as frequently as the British Weather which I belive is the associated anxiety that comes with Bipolar 2. I feel like Ive lost my sense of self and my social life is nil. I'm afraid to leave the house and when I do? I'm always eager to go back home. I am on 4mg of Resperidone and I am quite cynical of psychiatric drugs often believing they do more harm than good so I am quite content with my dosage and type of med.

I have a therapist I am seeing but I think all I need to know from him is completed. I think my next step will be to find another therapist someone with a different view on things. I've made alot of progress over the last 5 years but its an up and down battle. My mum loves me sooo dearly and I am glad I have that support but she is at her wits end! I really don't want to push it or I risk losing that support but I doubt that cos she loves me too much. Its so unfair on the carers because they can't move on with their lives but hopefully things will take a turn for the better.

I am very passionate about music, art and dance. I have made very little progress with that, I thought of it as a career but now I don't think it is something I want. Its too tasking and varied, people suffering from bipolar need more stabilty and financial security in their life. At the same time I can't let go...It's almost like a trick my mind is using to withhold me from better things in my life. I mean I could always keep it as a hobby right???!! but I want something more. Hopefully I will let go and move forward. All these thoughts in my mind constantly torture me with what-if scenarios.

I have actually gotten to a point where I feel like that there is no point to this life. But I keep on and always will because ending my life is not an option and I am the least keen to take that path!. I hope in Jesus, but I often wonder where he is in the midst of all this storm and chaos in my life.

I have alot to offer but I am losing my sense of self and feel like the world is not a safe place and is full of people who are not caring at all. Like where is the Love???!!! We seriously need Love in this world!!!!! People are too selfish and superficial. God please send down your love....:'(

 

[Deremna]

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel about not being able to focus. I was a straight A student until 11th grade and then up through college. It became very hard for me to concentrate, especially in classes that I didn't necessarily care about. I went to college immediately after high school which seemed like a brilliant idea at the time but it wasn't.. I jumped into art (media arts and animation) and I really shouldn't have. I want to go back to school but I just can't stay on track. I know if I go back now, I'll do horribly because I won't be able to keep up with any of the work.

I also feel like I have a lot to offer and that I am destined for greater things but I can't seem to obtain them or stay on track long enough to get anywhere near them. I got a bass guiatr for Christmas and bought myself an electric guitar but no matter what I do, I can't seem to find the will to try and play either. I also feel like I have lost the point in living but cannot commit suicide, mostly because I don't want to hurt my family. It's not their fault I'm screwed up. I feel like it actually may have come close to that poitn if it wasn't for my extremely stable boyfriend. He's my balance, I guess..

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone and please keep us posted on how you are doing/what you decide to do for therapy!

 

[Sandy]

Hey,
Your post is really encouraging! About on the verge of my sixteenth birthday, I decided I wanted to do music but oh did I set myself up for the most fustrating next few years of my life. I'll be 20 years old next month, contemplating what to do with uni! arrrgh . I had some successes like I performed a handful of stuff. I wrote really nice songs too but currently haven't written for the sometime now. It feels like I've taken a step back like I'm getting worse but I still hope for the best somehow.

A year after discharge from hospital, I went hypomanic but there wasn't any need for hospitalization. I would hear full orchestral songs in my head but so fustrated as I didn't have the skill to bring it to life.

I have produced a handful of stuff and would still like to as a hobby. I love music sequencing but I aint got the cash to even do that or am I even stable enough to secure a part-time job. I keep on worrying that I'll appear awkward and anxious.

I like that the fact that we have more or less the same story. I feel like I relate to you alot. So what exactly do you do now??

 

[Deremna]

I have always wanted to be in a band and what's frustrating is that it's not entirely impossible.. My boyfriend plays the drums, his brother and brother's best friend both play bass and guitar so all that's left is for me to suck it up, work on my screaming, and learn to play my instruments. (and deal with my debilitating stage fright, but whatever..) I don't need to be a world famous rock star or anything, I just have always felt that I need music to be a bigger part of my existence.

As for what I do right now, I answer phones at a Mercedes-Benz dealership. Woo hoo. I totally don't want to throw stuff every day I come in to work.. I have often contemplated stabbing myself in the leg with the nearest sharp object when these rich jerkfaces start yelling at me for no reason. But it was all I could get after I graduated college and I've been here for 3 years. I just couldn't find a graphic design job and now I have pretty much decided that I don't want to do graphic design anyway. It was a hobby that I mistakenly tried to make a career and it didn't work out..

I'll be 26 this year and I feel like if I don't do something soon then I'll be stuck in this position for the rest of my existence.. I mean, it's a job and it pays enough so that I can help my boyfriend pay for our house and animals but still.. It's not right for me. I am not a people person and therefore should not be answering phones.. I know how you feel about appearing awkward and anxious as that is how I appear most of the time.. (and because of this, most coworkers tend to think I'm a bitch but I'm really not.. I just prefer not to make eye contact as this sometimes leads to conversation)

I hope we can both manage to find out where we fit.. I don't know about you, but it gets lonely feeling like you don't belong even when you have people who care about you.. It's like, I recognize that they care and that I care but sometimes it's hard for me to believe I'll ever be happy if I don't figure myself out first..

I had pretty much deicded I wanted to go back to school about a year ago but then changed my mind yet again.. I was going to take online classes to become an embalmer but I was so scared I was going to do horribly... (plus, the snide comments from people about how I must be sick to want to do something like that)

 

[lal10]

I totally sympathise with you Sandy

When at primary school I had an IQ test which got lots of people interested in me and there was talk about getting me on to gifted programmes etc but my head teacher wouldn't allow it saying I would suffer emotionally. Huh well that seems to have happened anyway lol! I did great at high school, couldn't cope with A levels and now I'm at uni for the second time, as a mature student, thinking that I could make a go of it unlike the last time (i passed but god knows how!) but now i'm behind with coursework and should be sitting exams and practical assessments this week but wont be. I'm doing a course I love and desperately want to complete it but I just can't cope with it all, I know there is no academic reason that I should find it difficult, far from it, so why is it so hard!!!???

Welcome to the forum

You will find so many people who can offer support and advice and a whole lotta love

Lal
xxx

 

[Deremna]

I'm doing a course I love and desperately want to complete it but I just can't cope with it all, I know there is no academic reason that I should find it difficult, far from it, so why is it so hard!!!???

!!!!! EXACTLY! Sorry.. It's nice to find others that feel the same things you feel. It's so frustrating to recognize how intelligent you are but be faced with barriers when it comes to completing school work. The stress from that drove me to do crystal meth for 3 months during college just to complete a project. Now, I'll never be driven to that extent again and I am lucky I was able to pull myself out of it but it depressed the hell out of me to know I could sick that low just to do some freakin' school work.

 

[Sandy]

Thanx for the welcome guys! Really nice meeting you all. Well having done alot of thinking. I can't run away from my problems...we can't run away from our problems.... Guys the only thing we can do is to suck it up and plod through. easier said than done but now I have come to a realisation that it can be done.

Here's a couple of stuff to put in place...I hope this helps...
1. Keep coming on this forum to help and encourage ourselves

2. Ask yourself this question is there anyone in your life that has consistently helped you to make progress. Keep them close and please try to follow their advice! (Deremna I know you mentioned your boyfriend keeps you stable that's good, use him as a guiding force) My mum helped me to get this far and I think I will have to swallow hard and allow her to keep pushing me that is following her advice. IT WORKS!

3. We all have issues with education right?! Like deep down we want to earn our various qualifications...Well trust me we can!

4. Appeal for support at our educational institutions and as per completing work? Only push ourselves as far as we can go, do what you can. There must be study partners like a few friends that will help to make us feel like we can work through our academic barriers together

5. B-Vitamins, Cod liver Oil and Multi-vitamins...(Check with you doctor) These are natural mood stabilizers as opposed to dangerous Lithium But it may work for you please don't stop taking your prescribed meds....

6. A brisk walk say about 20mins per day.

The thing with me is that I have all the knowledge about how to take care of myself but the thoughts kind of act like a black whole vortex trying to pull me in...but there are unique techniques in our lives that can help us manipulate and resist that...it will get easier over time...trust me!

To be honest I am the one responsible for bringing myself to this point of despair because at my release from hospital there were certain triggers that I had to keep away from...Religious Programmes(at my manic phase I believed I was a prophet of God), Things that would task me, like excess stress.

Religion is my main trigger...I love God but I have to find him for my self like a personal relationship. I'm a deep thinker and alll these religious programmes kind of distort my views and make me behave deluded.

There were certain advice I was given over the course of my illness and due to vulnerabilty I didn't listen but I have hopefully learnt. This is my only hope, Our hope.... to heed to the advice of those that care for us no matter how we feel. This is the best way to stay safe!

But be warned because our thoughts will try to decieve us into thinking that we should be doing more than we are now.

The truth is we as bipolars are gifted but with this gift there is also a downside to it. But we can manage the bad and make use of the good.

Please try to keep active...brisk walking is good. Do that at least.

I read a source somewhere, I'll give the link. that some people grow out of bipolar. But they have to lead responsible and stable lives.

Heres the link below:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090929141530.htm

Hey our creative urges can always be done leisurely and it will be more fulfilling and enjoyable. We really don't need too much stress in our lives.

Please lets reclaim what's ours and harness our gifts.

My mum tells me I'm really intelligent and finds that I connect seemingly unrelated Ideas without even know I am doing it. But please let's not get carried away with this..we need not stroke our egos.

So basically,
Heed the advice of our loved ones
Creativity as hobbies (you never knw we may reach a stage where we are actually quite able to go on with it as careers but its safe to keep it as a hobby, the stress and constant disturbance of the media may be too much to handle)

When tired go to sleep!!! Drink Chammomile or Warm Milk. (Warm Milk helps produce serotonin in the brain and has calming effects)

Lots of Fruit Teas and WATER

Avoid Alcohol

If there's anything you wanna know guys lemme know.

I'll be happy to research it for you and provide feedback

Love you guys so much!!!!!

There is hope and I will be here to support you as best I can, I'll try...too much pressure from life.

Let's all help each other out!!!

 

[Deremna]

I agree that my problems definitely stem from myself, this is something I have always acknowledged though am now starting to really do something about it. I guess I never gave much thought to how I affect those around me until I moved in my boyfriend and it hurt to see him so upset because of me.

I ordered a couple books online today about dealing with bipolar and learning to manage my symptems and keep myself on track. I realize that though others may support me, it's up to me to really make any sort of a change.. I started starting fish oil supplements and I am making a really strong effort to eat more fruits and veggies.. (which has always been a huge problem for me) I recently learned how to ride a bike so I need to kick my ass into gear and start really trying to exercise.. I have always been super lazy. I'm hoping if I get a little more energy, I can actually keep up with cleaning the house, too..

Thank you for providing that link, it was very interesting! It would be fantastic if that really does happen.. I know if I work hard enough, I'm bound to make some sort of a break through..

Thank you for your kind words and helpful thoughts.. I get support from my friends and family but it also means a lot hearing it come from someone else who is bipolar.

 

[Sandy]

Wave Rider to Mid-Waver vs Bipolar Disorder

PLEASE CALLING ALL BIPOLARS...IT IS NOT A CONDITION...IT IS WHO WE ARE...IT IS NOT SOMETHING TO BE FIXED...IT IS SOMETHING TO MANAGE AND CONTROL...IT IS A GIFT NOT A CURSE OR DISABILITY...WE ARE NOT DISABLED IN ANY WAY...WE JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIND EMOTIONAL BALANCE...BUT NOT TO WORRY THIS IS WHERE MY NEW FOUND CANADIAN FRIEND WAVE RIDER COMES IN...A MUST READ!!!!!!!!!!!! GET USED TO THE NOTION THAT WE ARE WAVE RIDERS AND WHEN BALANCED WE ARE MID WAVERS...SOUND LIKE JARGON? PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO READ THIS LINK BELOW....

http://www.thewaveriders.com/authorbio.html

A NEO-PERSPECTIVE ON MENTAL HEALTH...

please pass the word around and let it spread like wildfire