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My story; please help me :(!

T

Tom93

New member
Joined
Nov 18, 2014
Messages
1
Hello everyone.

I know it's a large amount of text to read, but please read it as you may be able to give me some useful feedback, and I reaaally need some.

Please skip to the part in RED if you'd rather not read about my history.

Firstly; a little about me and parts of my background I think may help with figuring this out.

I'm 21, living in a small town in South-West England. When I was 13 my parents divorced, it didn't think it bothered me at the time but looking back on it things were pretty bad at certain points. My mum was terrible at hiding her emotions and was crying most nights whilst struggling to live and support herself, me and my sister (one year older). We ended up getting evicted from 2 different houses when I was 14 and still in school. This rendered us homeless. We stayed at a friends house for two weeks, and then had to live in a cramped Bed & Breakfast for the next 3 months after that. In the end, I couldn't take it and moved in with my Dad when I was 15.

Just after I turned 16, my Mum and sister had settled in another house and so I moved back in with them. I was in my last year at school and grew attached to a girl in my Art class called Robyn. We spoke every night for hours on end, I text her until my text allowance ran out and I even built up the courage to meet her. We went to the cinema and went for a walk. I'd never liked a girl so much before, she was on my mind constantly and I waited up late every night for her to text me. One day, randomly, she asked me to meet her, which I was surprised at. It seemed a bit sudden and out of the blue. I couldn't as I had had the day off school because I was ill. The next day in Art class I asked if everything was ok, and she said that I had saved her. And I couldn't understand why? After alot of begging her to tell me, she told me she wanted to meet me, then straight after was going to go and kill herself. Being 16 and naive I didn't really know what to do or how serious to take it. She made me promise not to tell anyone and I said I wouldn't as long as she promised me she wouldn't do it. Well, she broke that promise. I was on Facebook, and saw a status about a young girl from school, who had killed herself.

I didn't really know what to do. My mum and my sister were asking if I was ok, I remember just replying ''It's only death''. I rang two of my best friends and met them in town and went to the place where she had killed herself where there were a few other people from school gathered around. I was acting stupid; making jokes to my friends. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Deep down I wanted to sink into the earth. My friends stayed over, and were just laughing and joking amongst themselves all night whilst I lay wide awake. I didn't get a wink of sleep.

For the next week I literally didn't eat a thing, then even after that I was living of half a slice of toast a day. I was walking out of school most days (just before my important exams), not giving a care in the world. We had a school assembly which I got up and walked out crying of as soon as they mentioned what had happened to my friend. From this, I received ''school counselling'' which was awful, spoke to a lady twice and then didn't bother. It was like this for months, just walking out of school, or not even turning up. Not eating much.

There was an event held for this girl not long after. Music, flowers, and everything she loved. All her family and friends were there who I met for the first time. I met her older sister who was 23 and extraordinarily similar to R. She took great comfort in me knowing I was close to R before she died, and that R had apparently left a message for me in her suicide note saying that she loved me. (which, I don't know if she did or not, love is a big thing and we were young).

Me and her sister became close and I ended up spending alot of time with her. She was off work and I'd skip school and we'd just hang out, my friend would sometimes join us, so would her family. I had to attend R's inquest and let the coroner know she had informed me of her plans to commit suicide. R's sister was severely depressed, as was her whole family. She would cry and cry most days, sometimes randomly. Sometimes she would worry me so much, i'd have to get some of her family members to go and stay over to keep an eye on her and make sure she was ok. One time I was so worried I rushed to her house to find her in the middle of taking an overdose. Luckily she didn't take too much, and just threw up most the night.

R's funeral came, and I was one of the only people who didn't cry. I have no idea why, I felt no emotion. I was focusing on how funny I found the religious side of things. Maybe I just blanked it out. It took me about a year to properly move on from what happened, I didn't do great in my exams and dropped out of college after my first year. Me and Robyns sister still spoke but lost contact. She seems happy with a child now which is good.

Anyway, since then I just seemed too have failed with life. As I said, I dropped out of college doing Plumbing after halfway through my second year; wasn't for me. Then I saved with crappy jobs to go travelling around Australia with my friends for a year, finally the date came and I lasted 3 months, which weren't very good. We were just stressed about money and got really unlucky. My friends both stayed on for the full year and had an amazing time, did the whole bungee jumping, scuba diving, great white shark cage diving thing which I missed out on. I found a girl, called L. I adored her at first and was really happy for about a year, found a job which I enjoyed. Then things started going bad. I just got fed up, reaaally fed up. We moved in together and things went wrong in our relationship, and with my new job which I won't go into. We broke up, got back together and now I have just left her again.

I am currently working as a food services adviser at a restaurant. I am in about £1000 debt, I have no passions or hobbies, I am a massive procrastinator. One day I am really really happy and excited about the future, within a minute that can change and I literally want to kill myself. Suicide has come into my head so many times. I have spent hours researching easy ways to die. I have a few friends; I have a family that cares about me. I'm back living with my Dad again. I hate myself, with a passion. I am no where near the person I want to be. I am unconfident and can be pretty awkward. I have no idea what I want for the future, I can't be fucked with anything. I don't see the point in anything.

Everything I do feels like a massive chore and worthless. I get this massive idea in my head, and idolize being the best at it, like becoming a Royal Marine. I joined a marching band. Got bored with them both. I just don't know what to do I really don't. I spend all my time waiting to go to work. I sit at home, listen to some music, play some online games, watch a bit of TV, locked in my room. One weekend a month i'll go out, get drunk with my friends and regret it the next day. I am negative about most things. My mood is so temperamental I can't deal with it. I either love everyone or hate everyone and feel like the world is against me and no-one likes me. I've never been to a doctor or anything about this, because I don't know if I could sit and talk to a stranger about my mental problems.

I am genuinely slightly worried. I know people have a lot worse problems, I need to man up a little. I know. But I just don't see the point in living when you are the way I am. We are controlled by the government, I am being forced to go to work, and do a job which is ''ok'' just to live. Just to eat and have a roof over my head (my dad charges rent). We are not free. I have to do these things. And will have to for the rest of my life. And what interesting, fun things do I enjoy to make up for this? NONE

The worst part is, I know what your thinking. I know I'm a lucky bloke who has alot more than most people in the world, but why can't I appreciate fucking anything? Why do I get bored off everything and everyone? Why am I so indecisive?


So many more questions.

Please, if you have any useful feedback, anything you think may be linked to what happened to my friend and how that may have affected me, please say. As soon as I can make that connection, and maybe understand why I think the way I do maybe i'll start feeling more level-headed.

I hope you are all well yourselfs!!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
S

Scribbles92

Member
Joined
May 18, 2014
Messages
20
Location
East sussex
Hello everyone.

I know it's a large amount of text to read, but please read it as you may be able to give me some useful feedback, and I reaaally need some.

Please skip to the part in RED if you'd rather not read about my history.

Firstly; a little about me and parts of my background I think may help with figuring this out.

I'm 21, living in a small town in South-West England. When I was 13 my parents divorced, it didn't think it bothered me at the time but looking back on it things were pretty bad at certain points. My mum was terrible at hiding her emotions and was crying most nights whilst struggling to live and support herself, me and my sister (one year older). We ended up getting evicted from 2 different houses when I was 14 and still in school. This rendered us homeless. We stayed at a friends house for two weeks, and then had to live in a cramped Bed & Breakfast for the next 3 months after that. In the end, I couldn't take it and moved in with my Dad when I was 15.

Just after I turned 16, my Mum and sister had settled in another house and so I moved back in with them. I was in my last year at school and grew attached to a girl in my Art class called Robyn. We spoke every night for hours on end, I text her until my text allowance ran out and I even built up the courage to meet her. We went to the cinema and went for a walk. I'd never liked a girl so much before, she was on my mind constantly and I waited up late every night for her to text me. One day, randomly, she asked me to meet her, which I was surprised at. It seemed a bit sudden and out of the blue. I couldn't as I had had the day off school because I was ill. The next day in Art class I asked if everything was ok, and she said that I had saved her. And I couldn't understand why? After alot of begging her to tell me, she told me she wanted to meet me, then straight after was going to go and kill herself. Being 16 and naive I didn't really know what to do or how serious to take it. She made me promise not to tell anyone and I said I wouldn't as long as she promised me she wouldn't do it. Well, she broke that promise. I was on Facebook, and saw a status about a young girl from school, who had committed suicide. I didn't really know what to do. My mum and my sister were asking if I was ok, I remember just replying ''It's only death''. I rang two of my best friends and met them in town and went to the place where she had jumped where there were a few other people from school gathered around. I was acting stupid; making jokes to my friends. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Deep down I wanted to sink into the earth. My friends stayed over, and were just laughing and joking amongst themselves all night whilst I lay wide awake. I didn't get a wink of sleep. For the next week I literally didn't eat a thing, then even after that I was living of half a slice of toast a day. I was walking out of school most days (just before my important exams), not giving a care in the world. We had a school assembly which I got up and walked out crying of as soon as they mentioned what had happened to my friend. From this, I received ''school counselling'' which was awful, spoke to a lady twice and then didn't bother. It was like this for months, just walking out of school, or not even turning up. Not eating much.

There was an event held for this girl not long after. Music, flowers, and everything she loved. All her family and friends were there who I met for the first time. I met her older sister who was 23 and extraordinarily similar to R. She took great comfort in me knowing I was close to R before she died, and that R had apparently left a message for me in her suicide note saying that she loved me. (which, I don't know if she did or not, love is a big thing and we were young). Me and her sister became close and I ended up spending alot of time with her. She was off work and I'd skip school and we'd just hang out, my friend would sometimes join us, so would her family. I had to attend R's inquest and let the coroner know she had informed me of her plans to commit suicide. R's sister was severely depressed, as was her whole family. She would cry and cry most days, sometimes randomly. Sometimes she would worry me so much, i'd have to get some of her family members to go and stay over to keep an eye on her and make sure she was ok. One time I was so worried I rushed to her house to find her in the middle of taking an overdose. Luckily she didn't take too much, and just threw up most the night. R's funeral came, and I was one of the only people who didn't cry. I have no idea why, I felt no emotion. I was focusing on how funny I found the religious side of things. Maybe I just blanked it out. It took me about a year to properly move on from what happened, I didn't do great in my exams and dropped out of college after my first year. Me and R's sister still spoke but lost contact. She seems happy with a child now which is good.

Anyway, since then I just seemed too have failed with life. As I said, I dropped out of college doing Plumbing after halfway through my second year; wasn't for me. Then I saved with crappy jobs to go travelling around Australia with my friends for a year, finally the date came and I lasted 3 months, which weren't very good. We were just stressed about money and got really unlucky. My friends both stayed on for the full year and had an amazing time, did the whole bungee jumping, scuba diving, great white shark cage diving thing which I missed out on. I found a girl, called L. I adored her at first and was really happy for about a year, found a job which I enjoyed. Then things started going bad. I just got fed up, reaaally fed up. We moved in together and things went wrong in our relationship, and with my new job which I won't go into. We broke up, got back together and now I have just left her again.

I am currently working as a food services adviser at a restaurant. I am in about £1000 debt, I have no passions or hobbies, I am a massive procrastinator. One day I am really really happy and excited about the future, within a minute that can change and I literally want to kill myself. Suicide has come into my head so many times. I have spent hours researching easy ways to die. I have a few friends; I have a family that cares about me. I'm back living with my Dad again. I hate myself, with a passion. I am no where near the person I want to be. I am unconfident and can be pretty awkward. I have no idea what I want for the future, I can't be fucked with anything. I don't see the point in anything. Everything I do feels like a massive chore and worthless. I get this massive idea in my head, and idolize being the best at it, like becoming a Royal Marine. I joined a marching band. Got bored with them both. I just don't know what to do I really don't. I spend all my time waiting to go to work. I sit at home, listen to some music, play some online games, watch a bit of TV, locked in my room. One weekend a month i'll go out, get drunk with my friends and regret it the next day. I am negative about most things. My mood is so temperamental I can't deal with it. I either love everyone or hate everyone and feel like the world is against me and no-one likes me. I've never been to a doctor or anything about this, because I don't know if I could sit and talk to a stranger about my mental problems.

I am genuinely slightly worried. I know people have alot worse problems, I need to man up a little. I know. But I just don't see the point in living when you are the way I am. We are controlled by the government, I am being forced to go to work, and do a job which is ''ok'' just to live. Just to eat and have a roof over my head (my dad charges rent). We are not free. I have to do these things. And will have to for the rest of my life. And what interesting, fun things do I enjoy to make up for this? NONE

The worst part is, I know what your thinking. I know I'm a lucky bloke who has alot more than most people in the world, but why can't I appreciate fucking anything? Why do I get bored off everything and everyone? Why am I so indecisive?


So many more questions.

Please, if you have any useful feedback, anything you think may be linked to what happened to my friend and how that may have affected me, please say. As soon as I can make that connection, and maybe understand why I think the way I do maybe i'll start feeling more level-headed.

I hope you are all well yourselfs!!
I am no Doctor, no professional but i think it's fair to say that your attitude after all you have been through at the time, was a way of coping for you. The problem is you never had the clarity of why you friend wanted to end it all and you never dealt with it at the time, so now even after all this time the traumas are beginning to affect you.

I think that its clear to say you have depression and you are experiencing feelings that you have perhaps repressed. I see parallels between you and me, the feelings you have, like absolute avolition, idolizing certain things one day but losing interest the next. It's not wonder after the things you have been through. Its hard to feel happy sometimes, life is here to test us and it was always going to be hard.

I find that actually helping others helps me. It helps me appreciate happiness which is sometimes a feeling i forget how to feel. Even if the things that you do at the moment do bore you, even doing mundane tasks gives us a sense of achievement. I would recommend attempting to take up a hobby because sometimes keeping busy helps you not to feel that hollow empty feeling.

I think there are things in your past that you have not dealt with, and if counselling doesnt work perhaps you should consider alternative psychotherapies, these could be CBT, EMDR or PTSEC.

I would also ask if you are currently medicating yourself? as this is an alternative option of treatment.

I hope this helps, feel free to reply to this threat if you're feeling low or PM me. All the best xxx
 
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MarlieeB

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Hey Tom and :welcome: to the forum.

I'm sorry that so much has happened to you so young :hug1:

I agree with Scribbles, I think there are things in your past that you haven't dealt with. There was so much pressure on you so young and with everything that had gone on with you and your reactions to everything, it's like you went numb. Of course I'm not a Doctor this is my opinion.

I think you need to go and see your GP and ask about talking therapies. Thing is with the NHS, it is quite a wait sometimes, like a postcode lottery as such. If you can afford it, you could go private though, you just have to get the right person with the right letters after their names.

Also, if you feel bad and want to talk to someone you could contact The Samaritans You can ring up, text, email or even visit in person.

Have a look round the forum and hopefully see you around.

Marliee x
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
52,725
Location
Lancashire
hey Tom, welcome to the forum. Its too late fro me to give a long reply. I wanted to just say that we don't permit suicide specifics, or self harm ones on the forum, so you will see that I have edited your post. I also removed the real names of people, leaving an initial only. I hope you understand and PM me if you don't, please. Its not a telling off or anything - just thought I should explain. :)
 
C

cookiegirl

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 6, 2014
Messages
170
Right now you're drifting through life and you just need to put yourself in a position to change and grow and you'll be ok. Yes, you should also talk to a therapist.

Everything you described sounds pretty normal to me. In some ways, my upbringing sounds like yours, because I'm a sensitive kid, and you obviously are too, just from the detailed way you write, the fact that you love art, and you have the patience to text and talk to a girl for hours and give her support. My parents divorced when I was 12, and my dad was distant, too. You dropped out of college after one year, I dropped out after a year and a half.

Here's the bad news: Life will keep being exactly like this for the rest of your life if you let it. Here's the good news: You're only freaking 21 and you have your whole life ahead of you, and you are in charge. Yes, you're poor, but when you're young, that's the time to be poor. You'll have money later on, but you do have to lay some groundwork, right now.

What you've discovered, is that it's hard to fill emotional emptiness and boredom with "other people." You had a rough start, surviving divorce at 13, then homelessness, then bouncing from mom to dad. I think at the time you were in school you really needed someone, and found that girl. It really threw a wrench into your studies,...but, as I said, I think at the time you needed and wanted that distraction. Unfortunately one result of all that is dropping out of school and being in a difficult financial situation. Personal and Financial are two important parts of our lives that require a lot of energy committed to them, and I know you're looking at the first part and your relationships haven't worked out, then you look at the other part and you're broke, and you are thinking...geez they both shouldn't be bad.

You're right.

So, it's time for a fresh start.

I know you're paying rent, but if I were you, I'd go to your dad and say, look dad, I'm trying to get a leg up and make something of myself and I can't do that if I'm paying you rent. Can I live rent-free for a little while while I go to school? Find out what he's willing to do. Maybe your mom can give you that deal if your dad is unwilling. Remember, being 21, with parents, means that NOW is not the time to assert your independence or feel ashamed that you can't take care of yourself. Now is the time to accept a little help, so you can be in a better position LATER.

So yes, you have to either go back to school for a 4 year degree, or go for shorter, more specific schooling like a technical college, or medical certificate. Or, something entirely different like the police academy, which provides a good living and camaraderie. Preparing for a career of some sort will give you a goal, and ensure that in just a few short years you will no longer be worried over money matters. I know you feel undecisive...but you must decide on something. I used to work with an RN years ago who told her mother when she was in college that she didn't know what she wanted to do. Her mother said, honey that's fine, but you have to get a degree or certificate in something now, regardless of what it is, then you can decide later to change it. She decided to be a nurse, found she was good at it, and years later she still was! Her mother was wise, because she knew the important thing was to build a life, not worry over making the "wrong" choice about something.

You'll be fine, just reach out to talk to someone, and remember you deserve a good life. That life won't be possible though unless you believe you deserve it. Don't sit around and be despondent. Allow yourself to grow, and think about things you can do which will help you do that. Everything else will fall into place,..your future wife...everything. There is time for everything.
 
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tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 30, 2010
Messages
5,065
Location
Bristol, TN/VA, USA (near mountains and 6 hours fr
Losing your dear friend would be hard enough but things are much different and far worse to deal with the after effects of suicide.
I have had a family member suicide and it will effect me the rest of my life.

It sounds like you went into shock for a long time. But that doesn't last forever and the time comes when grief comes and it can really knock you down. I didn't want to eat either and my life didn't mean much to me. I was so badly hurt inside and way past the point that society gives you to get over such things. They are full of shit.

The real emergency here is that you are having suicidal ideations and looking at plans.
It's time, it is imperative that you get help.
Please, please see your dr. The best course of treatment is a combination of meds and talk therapy.

With help, you can begin to heal and you will be better able to right your life and live more fully. You deserve that!

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

((((hugs)))))
 
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