My story, please help - bipolar or else?

E

EternalFlame

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
5
#1
Hi everyone,

I want to share my story with you. And I would really appreciate your comments, tips or guidance.

I moved to Germany together with my husband 4,5 years ago. 4 years ago we had our little miracle come into this world, our daughter. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us, after all we've been through in our lives...it was a very long awaited child, a true gift. Everything finally started making sense, all the tough times seemed to be behind, and we were so happy despite being sleepless And here it started.

Bit by bit I was “drowning". Postpartum depression they told me. I was so demotivated, so disconnected from this world, from my family. I felt ashamed for not being able to do simple things like calling a doctor’s office, taking care of the bills and so on. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed for not feeling happy, for not wanting my husband, for not enjoying life despite all the things happening around me. I was getting deeper and deeper under my shell. The world was blurry and at some point things started feeling unreal.

We were sleepless for 1,5 years in a row. My husband said that it couldn’t go on like that anymore, and began to rescue me and us from the zombie land. I stopped breastfeeding, he took care of the daughter’s night sleep. Bit by bit, it took us about 6 months to recover more or less, but depression was still there. With a great push and help of my family I started working again, they feared that otherwise things would’ve got critical for my mental health. I started a completely new role - from previously customer supporting role to the proactive one, working in sales. Things felt quite stressful and new. A few months after the job's start, I began to feel changes within me. I felt kind of superior to other people, super self assure, my self esteem and belief in myself were as high as never before. I had lots of energy like never before. I started sleeping less (could be 4 hours vs “a post must have 8-9, and no issues)", dressing more sexy, began to attract attention from people, and enjoyed this state quite a lot. Life seemed to be blossoming. All of a sudden I learned how to laugh - I never really laughed in my life, just smiled, as if I wasn’t physically able to. All of a sudden there I was laughing. I didn’t find it strange, I found it awesome. Then I met someone. It was a formal meeting in the first place (we’re in the same industry). Then he started telling me about polygamy and other bullsh…For some reason my brain accepted this information. It felt like I was on a constant high, not criticising things, taking everything easy, not taking into consideration serious and important things that we were discussing with my husband at that time. All in all it felt as if I was 15 or so. Then we started chatting. The world of polygamy, sex chats, cheating, porn, phantasies, ideas etc. - felt as if there was a second me that was living in that world.

Before I was the kind of person who preferred not to lie, it was simply too stressful and felt so wrong, that I would worry about a little lie like crazy. However this time it was different. I lied like a professional poker player. I was lying to my family's face all the time. Making things up so fast and naturally. The complexity of my lies was pretty high. During 1 year after I met this person I did terrible things… Lying, cheating, self admiration, photos&videos of myself, masturbation in different places, living in a phantasy world, not paying attention to my family, again lies lies lies…and oh cheating with more than just that guy. It felt as if there was a hungry beast was sitting inside of me. I was remorseless, cold, hunting, playing…All in all during the past year I had 5 men, 3 of which I slept with (2 times unprotected!), 2 kissed. The beast was unstoppable and was growing and getting more and more hungry. I was scared to death and excited at the same time. I told myself more and more often that I have to stop all this, but I couldn’t. The more I told myself that I have to stop, the worse it got.. to the point of being unbearable - all my mind would get filled 100% with the idea of chats, phantasies etc.

Then my husband found out. I felt pretty crazy - it was a conference in our home town, and lasted 2 days. Day1 I slept with one guy, day 2 with another guy and in the evening flirting with the third one. In the meantime our daughter was sick. I didn’t think about anyone, didn’t think about any risks, just some crazy ideas of having sex with these people swirling in my head. He was devastated. We spoke several days non stop. He was trying to find out the truth, and I just wouldn’t let it all out. It was about 20 stories in total that I told him, releasing more important details as I went. I still felt hyper sexual at that point in time, still checking out men on the streets, still feeling like texting that guy. It took my husband some time to get me out of there. It was him to suspect me being ill. After going to a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started taking meds. After a few weeks on medication I started feeling a bit better, closer to normal.

We’ve been together with my husband for 18 years, and we’re the only family we’ve got (no relatives, no real friends). I broke his heart and betrayed my family... Now we’re divorcing and I question myself all the time - Why did I do it all? Why didn’t I stop/confess? Now I’m in the phase where I’m so deep under water, that I can’t see any bits of light. Sometimes, once every two weeks or so, I get out of there, it feels like jumping out of the water: again having lots of energy, loads of optimism and great mood all of a sudden, start believing in myself, have an increased productivity at work, increased libido and desire to dress up etc. It usually lasts 1-2 days, and then I drown again quite suddenly and rapidly. Apart from that I also have a strange paranoia that all men out there want to either sleep with me or have no good intentions. I get very overwhelmed by sounds and people very fast, communication is difficult. I’m also like a walking juke box, the loads of tracks playing and rotating in my head are wearing me off. It started a year ago and it just got much worse. And oh, I feel as if I have no personality, that I’m a walking blank disc. Most of the days I feel completely disconnected from the world, and feel no emotions at all. I’m sure this all isn’t normal, but have no clue what exactly is the reason. What scares me is that this strange condition is getting worse, and I have no answers so far...

I know I’ve said a lot. Sorry there’s been so much on my mind. I desperately need to understand:

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? ( I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech, they think it’s bipolar II)
2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar
3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital)
4) why in the world didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat?
5)what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all?

Really appreciate your comments.
 
F

Forevertrying

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 19, 2018
Messages
94
#2
Hi everyone,

I want to share my story with you. And I would really appreciate your comments, tips or guidance.

I moved to Germany together with my husband 4,5 years ago. 4 years ago we had our little miracle come into this world, our daughter. It was the best thing that had ever happened to us, after all we've been through in our lives...it was a very long awaited child, a true gift. Everything finally started making sense, all the tough times seemed to be behind, and we were so happy despite being sleepless And here it started.

Bit by bit I was “drowning". Postpartum depression they told me. I was so demotivated, so disconnected from this world, from my family. I felt ashamed for not being able to do simple things like calling a doctor’s office, taking care of the bills and so on. I felt worthless. I felt ashamed for not feeling happy, for not wanting my husband, for not enjoying life despite all the things happening around me. I was getting deeper and deeper under my shell. The world was blurry and at some point things started feeling unreal.

We were sleepless for 1,5 years in a row. My husband said that it couldn’t go on like that anymore, and began to rescue me and us from the zombie land. I stopped breastfeeding, he took care of the daughter’s night sleep. Bit by bit, it took us about 6 months to recover more or less, but depression was still there. With a great push and help of my family I started working again, they feared that otherwise things would’ve got critical for my mental health. I started a completely new role - from previously customer supporting role to the proactive one, working in sales. Things felt quite stressful and new. A few months after the job's start, I began to feel changes within me. I felt kind of superior to other people, super self assure, my self esteem and belief in myself were as high as never before. I had lots of energy like never before. I started sleeping less (could be 4 hours vs “a post must have 8-9, and no issues)", dressing more sexy, began to attract attention from people, and enjoyed this state quite a lot. Life seemed to be blossoming. All of a sudden I learned how to laugh - I never really laughed in my life, just smiled, as if I wasn’t physically able to. All of a sudden there I was laughing. I didn’t find it strange, I found it awesome. Then I met someone. It was a formal meeting in the first place (we’re in the same industry). Then he started telling me about polygamy and other bullsh…For some reason my brain accepted this information. It felt like I was on a constant high, not criticising things, taking everything easy, not taking into consideration serious and important things that we were discussing with my husband at that time. All in all it felt as if I was 15 or so. Then we started chatting. The world of polygamy, sex chats, cheating, porn, phantasies, ideas etc. - felt as if there was a second me that was living in that world.

Before I was the kind of person who preferred not to lie, it was simply too stressful and felt so wrong, that I would worry about a little lie like crazy. However this time it was different. I lied like a professional poker player. I was lying to my family's face all the time. Making things up so fast and naturally. The complexity of my lies was pretty high. During 1 year after I met this person I did terrible things… Lying, cheating, self admiration, photos&videos of myself, masturbation in different places, living in a phantasy world, not paying attention to my family, again lies lies lies…and oh cheating with more than just that guy. It felt as if there was a hungry beast was sitting inside of me. I was remorseless, cold, hunting, playing…All in all during the past year I had 5 men, 3 of which I slept with (2 times unprotected!), 2 kissed. The beast was unstoppable and was growing and getting more and more hungry. I was scared to death and excited at the same time. I told myself more and more often that I have to stop all this, but I couldn’t. The more I told myself that I have to stop, the worse it got.. to the point of being unbearable - all my mind would get filled 100% with the idea of chats, phantasies etc.

Then my husband found out. I felt pretty crazy - it was a conference in our home town, and lasted 2 days. Day1 I slept with one guy, day 2 with another guy and in the evening flirting with the third one. In the meantime our daughter was sick. I didn’t think about anyone, didn’t think about any risks, just some crazy ideas of having sex with these people swirling in my head. He was devastated. We spoke several days non stop. He was trying to find out the truth, and I just wouldn’t let it all out. It was about 20 stories in total that I told him, releasing more important details as I went. I still felt hyper sexual at that point in time, still checking out men on the streets, still feeling like texting that guy. It took my husband some time to get me out of there. It was him to suspect me being ill. After going to a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started taking meds. After a few weeks on medication I started feeling a bit better, closer to normal.

We’ve been together with my husband for 18 years, and we’re the only family we’ve got (no relatives, no real friends). I broke his heart and betrayed my family... Now we’re divorcing and I question myself all the time - Why did I do it all? Why didn’t I stop/confess? Now I’m in the phase where I’m so deep under water, that I can’t see any bits of light. Sometimes, once every two weeks or so, I get out of there, it feels like jumping out of the water: again having lots of energy, loads of optimism and great mood all of a sudden, start believing in myself, have an increased productivity at work, increased libido and desire to dress up etc. It usually lasts 1-2 days, and then I drown again quite suddenly and rapidly. Apart from that I also have a strange paranoia that all men out there want to either sleep with me or have no good intentions. I get very overwhelmed by sounds and people very fast, communication is difficult. I’m also like a walking juke box, the loads of tracks playing and rotating in my head are wearing me off. It started a year ago and it just got much worse. And oh, I feel as if I have no personality, that I’m a walking blank disc. Most of the days I feel completely disconnected from the world, and feel no emotions at all. I’m sure this all isn’t normal, but have no clue what exactly is the reason. What scares me is that this strange condition is getting worse, and I have no answers so far...

I know I’ve said a lot. Sorry there’s been so much on my mind. I desperately need to understand:

1) if it was just hypomania, why didn’t I stop? ( I had no hallucinations or super rapid speech, they think it’s bipolar II)
2) how come my family didn’t notice any weird behaviour at home, I was a “perfect” liar
3) how could my husband stop mania just with conversations (it was very tough but still, I thought that normally one in mania doesn’t stop without meds, and goes all the way to the abyss until he ends up in a hospital)
4) why in the world didn’t I direct my hyper sexuality onto my husband, why did I need to cheat?
5)what can be happening with me apart from bipolar if bipolar at all?

Really appreciate your comments.
I did not read all this due to the fact it was alot of information for me to process , I can only say I did not want to leave the thread on reponsive, no one here is a dr, you should speak to yours. They can help
 
A

Anotherdayagain

Active member
Joined
May 8, 2018
Messages
29
#3
Hello

I found your story so sad but also familiar. I do think your doctor is right, it sounds very much like Bipolar 2. I also have this and have had some of the issues you have had. Its not fun at all but hopefully your meds will help.

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse come to visit you? I find that very helpful. A YouTube channel called Polar Warriors is helpful too. It will take time to adjust and trust your psychiatrist but it will come.

wishing you all the best xx
 
Drooo

Drooo

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 8, 2016
Messages
876
Location
UK
#4
A couple of questions:

- Did you have any problems with low mood or high mood before the pregnancy?
- Were you on antidepressants when you had the postpartum depression?
- How old were you when this all started?
- Overall, how long did this 'up' phase last?
 
E

EternalFlame

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
5
#5
I found your story so sad but also familiar. I do think your doctor is right, it sounds very much like Bipolar 2. I also have this and have had some of the issues you have had. Its not fun at all but hopefully your meds will help.

Do you have a community psychiatric nurse come to visit you? I find that very helpful. A YouTube channel called Polar Warriors is helpful too. It will take time to adjust and trust your psychiatrist but it will come.

wishing you all the best xx
Thanks a lot for replying. Can you please share your symptoms? What was your experience?

I visit some psychologists and psychiatrists, but still looking for the right ones that would take time to study my symptoms and via building a picture run the proper diagnostics. As of not my experience is quite poor - more like a 15 minutes conversation and here you go a diagnosis...

Thanks for the recommendation, will check this channel out.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,467
Location
sillyville, USA
#6
I have bi polar 2
What you have described is everything I did at one time.
Risky behavior, attention seeking, cheating, lying...interest in things I never would have found attractive when I was manic... I also abused alcohol ... going from high moods to crashing depression.
Sounds like you wrote my life story that went on for 2 years.
I have seen two psychiatrist, both diagnosed me very quickly.
I had every textbook symptom.
 
E

EternalFlame

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
5
#7
A couple of questions:

- Did you have any problems with low mood or high mood before the pregnancy?
- Were you on antidepressants when you had the postpartum depression?
- How old were you when this all started?
- Overall, how long did this 'up' phase last?
Answering your questions:
- Most of my life I've been in a low mood, sometimes super low, sometimes more or less okay. Occasionally I would experience high mood all of a sudden, but never paid attention to this sudden change, it was never like mania. I don't recall having such high mood before like I had during the past year.
- No, I didn't take antidepressants against the postpartum depression
- I was almost 32 when postpartum depression started, and a bit over 33 when the high mood started. The 'up' phase lasted one year. Is it normal for such condition to last so long?
 
E

EternalFlame

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
5
#8
I have bi polar 2
What you have described is everything I did at one time.
Risky behavior, attention seeking, cheating, lying...interest in things I never would have found attractive when I was manic... I also abused alcohol ... going from high moods to crashing depression.
Sounds like you wrote my life story that went on for 2 years.
I have seen two psychiatrist, both diagnosed me very quickly.
I had every textbook symptom.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Did you have rapid speech, racing thoughts? Can you describe how the racing thoughts felt? Did your relatives/partner/friends notice that something is wrong with you? How were you able to stop it? How often did you have lows during these two years? Was your condition progressing in terms of the 'high' increasing more and more at a faster pace?
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,467
Location
sillyville, USA
#9
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Did you have rapid speech, racing thoughts? Can you describe how the racing thoughts felt? Did your relatives/partner/friends notice that something is wrong with you? How were you able to stop it? How often did you have lows during these two years? Was your condition progressing in terms of the 'high' increasing more and more at a faster pace?
Yes sometimes I would get so excited I would talk loud and so fast I would stumble over my words. My mouth could not keep up with the thoughts that popped from one thing to another.
People didn’t notice like you think. They just thought I was happy and very active or very angry, because both were intense. I also spent most of my life undiagnosed and spent every second trying to hide who I was. I just knew my reactions were different then most people, and dealing with life would cause me high anxiety and exhaustion. I was younger and could pull off the game of pretending until I got older and couldn’t pretend anymore.
I would dip down into depression during those two years but mostly I would go straight back into mania. Doing crazy stuff with high confidence. drinking too.. I actually felt pretty good during those times but I was out of control.
Then I crashed. I went into severe depression that lasted almost as long as the mania had. I still suffer from depression off and on and have very little hypo mania now.
I stopped only because I got treatment and am still in treatment. I couldn’t control the crazy anymore as I got older it progressed and I was to tired from years of trying to his it or suppress it.
As far as the racing thoughts. It felt like flashes of many thoughts that made it hard to focus. And everything that was wrong felt right. I wanted adventure and everything bored me so I wanted risky things to keep me interested. I couldn’t enjoy the simple everyday things, it was a complete snooze to me. I wanted attention. I would lie so I could go get it. It was just nuts.
You asked how I stopped? I think getting older at 51
and meds calmed me down. If I was younger and had the energy I probably would still be suppressing, hiding who I was, and never got treatment.
I hope this information helps you in some way.
Xoxo
 
E

EternalFlame

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
5
#10
Yes sometimes I would get so excited I would talk loud and so fast I would stumble over my words. My mouth could not keep up with the thoughts that popped from one thing to another.
People didn’t notice like you think. They just thought I was happy and very active or very angry, because both were intense. I also spent most of my life undiagnosed and spent every second trying to hide who I was. I just knew my reactions were different then most people, and dealing with life would cause me high anxiety and exhaustion. I was younger and could pull off the game of pretending until I got older and couldn’t pretend anymore.
I would dip down into depression during those two years but mostly I would go straight back into mania. Doing crazy stuff with high confidence. drinking too.. I actually felt pretty good during those times but I was out of control.
Then I crashed. I went into severe depression that lasted almost as long as the mania had. I still suffer from depression off and on and have very little hypo mania now.
I stopped only because I got treatment and am still in treatment. I couldn’t control the crazy anymore as I got older it progressed and I was to tired from years of trying to his it or suppress it.
As far as the racing thoughts. It felt like flashes of many thoughts that made it hard to focus. And everything that was wrong felt right. I wanted adventure and everything bored me so I wanted risky things to keep me interested. I couldn’t enjoy the simple everyday things, it was a complete snooze to me. I wanted attention. I would lie so I could go get it. It was just nuts.
You asked how I stopped? I think getting older at 51
and meds calmed me down. If I was younger and had the energy I probably would still be suppressing, hiding who I was, and never got treatment.
I hope this information helps you in some way.
Xoxo
This did help, thank you. Sounds a lot like my situation. With me it was a bit different, I wasn't stumbling over my words but my mind was fast - I had difficulties concentrating and bringing things to end at work, it took a lot of energy to put things in my head in order, calm myself down. In the short depressive phase, did you feel yourself more adequate and in control? It sounds like you didn't have full blown mania as it's bipolar 2. Do you know why you cheated and lied, was it just boredom that was driving you or something else? Which treatment are you getting now? How does hypomania feel now, does it feel like you want to go out and go crazy stuff or it's more like you have energy, are more happy etc.?
 
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