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my story- like Helens in The Archers.

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grace68

Well-known member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
598
Location
yorkshire
Yet another sleepless night. 13hr shift yesterday-on no sleep. 8hr shift on Friday - on no sleep. Monday - Thursday days off. Stuck in at home, depressed, not sleeping, literally doing nothing. I was so low. I posted here on MHF for first time in ages. Post called Manic Mistakes. Just a plea for understanding and maybe some sharing of similar experiences from fellow bipolar sufferers. Which I got, from some people, thanks! But the very first response was very critical, maybe meant in good intention, but it really upset me. However it did cause me to reflect, which is good. But my situation is preety dire, here summarised-

Despite a lifelong struggle with bipolar I have worked 30 years as a nurse. Brought up two kids, many years as single parent. 8 years ago, I remarried. My husband has been out of work more than in it. We don't have a mortgage , we combijned our assets and were able to buy our house outright. We also have savings, which we have split in half, variously invested. I have some of my savings in the same bank as our joint current account. So its my savings that I sometimes transfer into our joint account. I can work overtime shifts to replenish my savings. I know I made it sound terrible, that was genuinely how I felt. But I am responsible and have never even had an overdraft, or a credit card, or any debt.
Also, sadly, my husband is very controlling. He does not like me going out, so when I am not at work, I am at home, or visiting family, always with my husband. He does not approve of takeaways or eating out or cinema trips. My teenage kids have left to live with their father, they couldn't stand it anymore. So life is tough. Sometimes I lose it a bit and splurge. The flight tickets will be fine. I will find the cheapest accomidation possible. Husband will complain, but I've always wanted to go to Sark. I will make it happen.
The combination of bipolar and a controlling husband is awful. I have very low self esteem. I am told often how rubbish I am, as a wife and a mother. I put a post on MHF and get told off for my appalling behaviour and irresponsibility.

So, guys. I would love to hear your responses to this. My life. Today I will go to church with my husband. Then visit my elderly, disabled dad with my husband. Tomorrow I will see my oldest sister, with my husband. My family all love my husband. He has been 'so good to us'. Especially to my late mum, who had dementia. Anyone listening to the Archers at the moment? Helen and Robs story? Helen was completely trapped, and even her own family couldn't see what was going on. Welcome to my world.
 
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Coastatsunset

Guest
Grace,

I am so sorry to have caused you unnecessary pain. I read your post earlier with the intention of apologising fully in the morning, but you have been on my mind, and i have been unable to sleep in consequence.

I typed out a very long response only to lose the lot to cyberspace, then typed another, and it disappeared again....

So this is short, and i will reply again in the morning, but I just wanted you to know how sad i feel for upsetting you.

With much love and very best wishes xx
 
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grace68

Well-known member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
598
Location
yorkshire
please dont worry. it is good to be made to think. a whole load of sympathy might feel nice, but doesnt achieve much. you couldnt possibly know my life story! your post, and my reply, ha really helped me clarify things in my mind. so actually, you have helped me immensely xxx
 
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Coastatsunset

Guest
Grace,

I hope that normally I respond to forum posts with sensitivity and kindness. As a MI sufferer, I know how quickly unkindness can shift me into a Doom Cycle.... I have a rule: only respond to post with which you have experience. Generally, I think this works well, after all, how does someone feel empathy for someone, free from value judgments, if we haven't experienced the same, or a similar issue??

Your post was the exception. I waded into your post with wellies full of value judgments, and I responded caustically, which clearly affected you adversely.

Like you, and Helen from the Archers, I have experienced the insidious nature of coercive control in a abusive relationship. My EX abuser had an affair with a woman who has bipolar, and at a time when I was recovering from cancer. From what he told me, although this all could all be bullshit, she lost her home to money mismanagement.

Following the affair, this Woman has caused me untold levels of suffering. She has orchestrated a campaign of pyschological and emotional violence, which severed my ability to study, rendered me agoraphobic for a while, and arranged for her friends, who are highly respected surgeons and doctors from my local hospital, to cyberstalk me. I suspect they even broke into my home, not to steal anything, but to mess around with my things, in order to wreak further havoc to my mind. The aim was to get me labelled as psychotic, then no one would believe me. They would be able to inflict as much pyschological damage as possible, after all, who on earth would believe a psychotic MI person that highly respected Surgeons and Doctors were responsible, or, in any way involved.

They cloned friends from my FB page, got access to my emails, set up fake dating profiles, and bugged my phones; landline and mobile. They used information illegally obtained from hacking into my telecommunications data, to feed a continual stream of posts and news to my FB page, which was systematically designed to cause me as much pyschological and emotional damage as possible.

I was bullied at work, and through social media, by these highly respected medical Professionals?? to such a degree that I was unable to finish my degree, and more recently have been off work unpaid for the past four months, and have contemplated ending it all.

Your post triggered an angry, hateful mood, and I responded with her in my head, and not you in my heart... You got the receiving end of years of abuse, and the subsequent emotional damage....

Thank you so much for your very gracious response, and for making me think. I am genuinely in awe that you have managed to work fulltime in a demanding, difficult, but very worthy job, while managing your bipolar successfully for 30 years, while at the same time, bringing up two children on your own. That is totally amazing, and far more than I have been able to do. You should feel so proud of yourself.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in a terribly controlling relationship. My self esteem and confidence were annihilated by my EX abusers systematic use of coercive control.

Please feel free to pm me if you need a listening, empathetic ear in the future. I would be pleased to help.

With much Love xx
 
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grace68

Well-known member
Joined
May 12, 2009
Messages
598
Location
yorkshire
Dear coastatsunset, I write in haste, only got couple minutes.just wanted to acknowledge your post. You've had awful time too. I would like to correspond further and I'll pm you later in week . I totally get why you responded like you did. Sometimes I do that.i had to close my Facebook account cos of a similar incident xxx
 
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Harper

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2016
Messages
337
My first husband was controlling, critical and absolutely arrogant with no empathy. Why did I marry him? I was young and lived in my head. I stood him up 7 times but he persisted - this should have been a warning.

After 7 years and 2 small children I left him without any money or family around. He threatened me and continued to psyhologically abuse me on those occasions when he saw the children.

I moved back home and then the hard work started to regain my confidence and self esteem. This type of relationship is very damaging and an assault psychologically and it is hard to get rid of that person. It makes it harder when there is also a mental health problem as this can also be used in the assault. I was threatened with not being able to see my very young children. He had no intention of looking after them himself but the threat was very scary at that time.

I would advise anyone who is living under this type of regime to try to move out of it if it cannot first be acknowledged by the other party or changed. I know it is not easy but neither is being controlled and made to feel unworthy and useless.

I am relieved to hear that Coast has responded to you - I was wondering why at the time and it is now clear as to why.

You have done nothing wrong Grace and you are amazing in that you have this diagnosis and are managing to do a tough demanding job. My heart goes out to you.

x Harper
 
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Coastatsunset

Guest
My EX was totally caustic, and, I have decided, the cruelist most sadistic bastard that ever walked on this planet.....just wish at time I realised that what I felt in my stomach was true, despite his protestations they weren't....

If I had of known, I would have bought them the ring. They were incredibly well suited and I am sure they would have enjoyed a long, happy, monogamous relationship together, enriched with a special connection full of Harmony and Trust.....
 
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