- Feb 8, 2021
My life has no purpose. I have no motivation or energy to try anymore. I don’t even bother picturing a good life for myself anymore because every time things start going well I ruin them. People leave me—always, every time, and when I need them most. Never in my life has the person I loved love me back. I’m so unhappy with the person I’m with. He says he loves me, but he doesn’t understand my depression and how crippling it gets; he seems to have no compassion and is tired of my bs, saying that it ruins his day when I can’t pick myself up. My mom is an alcoholic and I can’t connect with her on any real level. My sisters and I are so torn apart—we’re all broken and unable to communicate our feelings because we never expressed them as children and it’s looked at as weird in my family. My dad loved my mom and after she divorced him he went into a depression himself, and now clings to a terrible woman with money. All he did was work when we were kids and now he found a situation where he doesn’t have to work, be a father, and pretends the past doesn’t exist. I know it hurt him to have his wife leave him because she was clearly bored of being a wife and mom; she wanted to go back to being a teenager, and he must’ve felt worthless to cling to the woman he’s with now. My heart breaks more and more every day when I think of each of them. I wish I could piece us back together. But I feel sorry for the little girl I was with no one watching out for me. I was in and out of rehabs since 13. Always depressed and ready to check out as far back as I can remember. And no one noticed. I think we were all angry kids caught up in our distractions, though. We’re all on our own, suffering separately. I try my best to be a good sister and daughter but everyone keeps it surface level. I’m hurting so bad. I have no friends because I’m sober now. The one good friend I have thinks I’m weird probably, because I’m so awkward and have lost a lot of my social skills over the years. I have no one and I’m afraid. I know these negative thoughts are cancerous; I wish I weren’t so negative, but I used to always try to bring people up and was always the one of my friend group being stupid and silly. I totally lost that part of me over the years I spent as an addict. As cliche as it sounds, I feel I have nothing left to give. I know I should seek friendship through AA or something of the sorts (I will try again soon), but for now, it felt good to get that off my chest. Thanks and much love, you guys.