My story...idk

M

Matt3.3

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Slovakia
#1
Hey, so uhhhm English is not my first language so i apologize in advance for any weirdly structured sentences or grammar errors and also for the lenght of this post. My name is Matthew (english version of my name) and i'm a depressed, Bi teen from slovakia. I've been struggling with deppresion and various forms of anxiety and self harm for about 4 or 5 years , i'm not really sure when exactly it stopped being something everyone goes through at some point and started being a legitimate illness. To be honest i don't know why am i writting this i don't want attention or have people feel sorry for me or any of that bs, i just don't have a lot of people to talk to and i don't want to annoy or bother the few people i can talk to as they have their own problems and stuff in their lives to deal with, i guess i just wanted to share my story(sorry if that sounds pretentious) with people who might be in a similiar situation...

Like i said i've been struggling with all this for a few years now, i don't really have a lot of friends, i've always been that sort of person who would rather stay home than go anywhere or do anything, even as a kid. Because of that i was always distant from the other kids, didn't really hang out with them or make new friends and stuff like that. I would always just stay home and play video games trying to escape the real world that way. It's a big part of the reason why i became so depressed, awkward and anxious around people, i'm pretty much scared of any interaction with another human being and it takes me a lot of time to feel comfortable around others.

Another part o the reason was that my father and brother were both alcoholics or a really long time, i don't want to get much into the details of that as i hate to talk about it, let's just say my dad was and is a major asshole and leave it there. Because of all this i became really depressed around 8th grade of elementary school (elementary is 9 years in my country and it's followed by 4 years of high school), so i was around 13-14, i knew about a girl from my class that had the similiar problem and in order to feel better she would harm herself, anyway i started to do the same. It helped me to feel better, not s*itty all the time and it helped me to calm down anytime i felt like i really messed up... I didn't really talk to anyone about my problems and also just hide all my scars i somehow managed to avoid every single P.E. class the entire last year of elementary just so people wouldn't notice my scars.

During the first year of high school a i had a pretty big mental breakdown and that's how my parents found out, they were very supportive, i switched schools and they found me a psychiatrist right away who prescribed me meds and tried to do therapy with me, neither of wich had any long lasting effect. Eventually i stopped going, taking meds, that resulted in me not getting better and they then forced me to go to a different psychiatrist who send me to a mental hospital when i was 17...twice with a few months between the "visits". Once again it didn't help me at all, although i made some cool friends with similiar problems and i met someone very special there..my first (and now also ex)boyfriend. Yeah it's weird to have your first relationship start in a goddamn mental hospital but whatever nothing in my life was normal so far, so figured what the hell.

I came out to my mom who took it surprisingly well considering that she is very christian and i think that having a son who is part o the LGBTQ+ community helped her get over her own prejudices. Being in a relationship helped me alot, i finally felt happy, i had someone i loved and i knew that he loved me back. It motivated me to get up every morning, gave me something to live for i guess, but it didn't last, i broke his trust in a major way and abandoned him when he needed me the most and i still hate myself for it.

I'm in my third year of high school right now and i feel like my problems just keep getting worse, i go some time, usually a few weeks feeling completely fine and then a few weeks totally down, unable to even do anything or leave the house, it gets that bad. It was my 18th birthday recently and i didn't even celebrate, didn't really have anyone to celebrate with and i just wasn't in the mood, i hate my birthdays as they always remind me of how alone and pathetic i am, and that's another one of my problems..i hate myself, i really do, i don't see any redeeming quality about me, i think that im ugly and not good at anything despite the fact that people tell me otherwise, i don't see much of a point in living anymore.

I hate my school, everyone there is really homophobic and it's like how can you be friends with people who you know would hate you out of a f*cking principle if they knew your sexual orientation...I told only one classmate as he was one of the people there okay with that sort of thing and we are pretty good friends. I don't really like what im studying i'm not good at it, i'm probably the worst student in the entire class, i didn't really wanted to go to that school, never really known where i wanted to go or what i'm gonna do after. You see, i never really planned my future because for a few years now i've been living with the mindset that by the time those plans will matter i would dead because i killed myself, it's strange to live that way and think that way but that's what i did. For a really long time and to a certain extent i guess i still do, but i just don't know anymore, i feel so f*king alone, lost and helpless.

I just don't know what to do, i have no interests, almost no friends, the only thing i do is just sit at home and play video games or watch tv shows all day and i hate it, i like being with people but i'm also always scared of it and feel anxious for a really long time before i get comfortable around them, it's a paradox i know. I've been trying to reach out to people for a while now, it's going fine so far i made a really good friend who has similiar problems like mine. She is really cool and tries to make me feel better when i'm sad and i try to do the same for her. And even if i'm not getting better and still feel shitty and have suicidal thoughts almost every day it's nice to have someone who cares about me...I don't know what was i trying to say or accomplish by writing this, i guess i just wanted to tell somebody, anybody. If you are in a similiar situation please know that you are not alone and it can get better, at least for some time anyway. At the end of it all we just have to try to make something out of the days that we feel better, but im sure that's a tired cliché you heard so many times before.

idk.
 
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Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
422
Location
California, USA
#2
Matt - Hello and welcome. Your English is great! I’m sorry you have gone through some tough times. It’s nice that you have that friend and are each other’s support.
It sounds like you are doing pretty well, actually. High school years are hard for a lot of people. You say you have low periods, and were diagnosed depressed? Are you still on medication? You might give that a try, if not. It can help. I’ve been on it for years, it helps me tremendously.
You sound like a nice, intelligent person, maybe with some social anxiety, but that’s pretty common! Are there clubs you can join, or volunteer jobs to keep you busy and meeting people?
Keep reaching out, maybe make some goals for your life - have you thought about what you might like to do after HS? Maybe talk to a counselor at your school to get ideas.
Good luck to you. You are a worthwhile person!
 
M

Matt3.3

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Slovakia
#4
Matt - Hello and welcome. Your English is great! I’m sorry you have gone through some tough times. It’s nice that you have that friend and are each other’s support.
It sounds like you are doing pretty well, actually. High school years are hard for a lot of people. You say you have low periods, and were diagnosed depressed? Are you still on medication? You might give that a try, if not. It can help. I’ve been on it for years, it helps me tremendously.
You sound like a nice, intelligent person, maybe with some social anxiety, but that’s pretty common! Are there clubs you can join, or volunteer jobs to keep you busy and meeting people?
Keep reaching out, maybe make some goals for your life - have you thought about what you might like to do after HS? Maybe talk to a counselor at your school to get ideas.
Good luck to you. You are a worthwhile person!
Hey Victorianna, yes i've been diagnosed with depression and am currently on medication but it doesn't help much, my psychiatrist tried prescribing me various different types of medication and it might have worked for a while but then just stopped. I'm not aware of any clubs or volunteer jobs but it's an interesting suggestion. Thanks for your kind reply :)
 
Crys

Crys

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
#6
Hey Matt! I'm new to this forum as well. Although not new to anxiety issues. Can I say that you have a major step in just even spilling all your thoughts and feelings out on here.
You sound like someone who has a lot to give and I am glad you've found a friend who you can be yourself with. You've not had a great few years in life, but keep working at it.
Also, rather than stay home, go out, walk and get some fresh air and try to talk to other people. It really does help. :)
 
M

Matt3.3

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Slovakia
#7
Hey Matt! I'm new to this forum as well. Although not new to anxiety issues. Can I say that you have a major step in just even spilling all your thoughts and feelings out on here.
You sound like someone who has a lot to give and I am glad you've found a friend who you can be yourself with. You've not had a great few years in life, but keep working at it.
Also, rather than stay home, go out, walk and get some fresh air and try to talk to other people. It really does help. :)
Hi Crys, i appreciate your nice reply. Yeah it helps a lot, i know it does but sometimes it's just hard to work up to courage to talk to people and even if you do to connect with them, but i'm sure you know that all too well. Once again thank you for your kind words, i really do appreciate them! Oh and though i've been here only a day longer than you, welcome to the forum!:)