My story, can anybody help me?

R

RHIRHI

New member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Birmingham, UK
#1
Hi, here's my story.

I'm currently 19 years old and I have suffered with depression since I was 14. I have always been insecure and not liked the way I looked. I always felt like I didn't look like real girl, I have never liked my body or my appearance, constantly comparing myself to others, wishing I looked like them.
I was picked on throughout school, I was chubby, worse glasses and had curly hair. Nicknames such as 'fatty four eyes' and 'fugly' have stuck with me since I was 10 years old. Anyway, let's skip past the bullying, let's just say for majority of my school life I was tormented for being 'different'.
At 13 years old I was sexually assaulted by my big brothers best friend, he pressured me into having oral sex with him. I had never kissed a guy before, I didn't want to do it but I felt like I had no other choice. I didn't tell anybody for a while, so my brother continued to bring him back to my house where I would hide in my room and shake with fear. Every time I saw him I felt sick. Of course this had affects on me, I saw my body as an object and ever since then sex, and everything in-between means nothing to me, just an activity.
Anyway, fast-forward 3 years, I was very insecure. I got my first proper boyfriend. He used to say not very nice things to me such as "it would be nice if you lost some weight" and "you should wear makeup every time I come over" and that was just some of the things he said to me, which still sticks in my head.
Anyway, fast forward another few years, I'm at college. I hated my body and how I looked so every-day was a battle in my head. All I ever used to do was smoke weed and eat food. I didn't want to do anything with my time. Anyway, right before my exams my nan passed away of cancer, we were very close, she meant so much to me. I gave up college and worked for a year. (Now currently doing A levels again.) I never really confronted my emotions, like usual, I bury them deep in my head and pretend they aren't there.
So let's skip forward again. When I was 17 I got a new boyfriend. I was with him for a few years. Skip forward to January 2019. I found out he was sending nude pictures and having sexual conversations with gay men behind my back. Yeah. That messed with my head a lot, dealing my own self-hatred and insecurities, that really was the icing on top of the cake. I ask questions like what's wrong with me? Why can't I be like these other girls? Why am I not good enough? Am I really that disgusting he would rather be with men?
Here's the real T. So I break up with him after his big reveal, 2 weeks later I find out I'm pregnant with his child. So valentines day 2019 I'm in the abortion clinic having an abortion. Every-day since then has haunted me. I feel like a murderer, I feel like I don't deserve to have children. How could I do that to my own baby? I have never felt so alone in my life. Words cannot express how I feel and how these events have affected me but I'm giving it a try. I also used to self-harm. From the ages 12-17 I would regularly self harm. It made me feel better, like expressing the hatred I felt for myself. I haven't self harmed in over 2 years, apart from 1 relapse I had a few months ago. Sometimes I feel like doing it again, but I don't see the point now. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep my head on so I don't fail my A levels again. I hate every single aspect of myself. What do I do?
 
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Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
579
Location
California, USA
#2
You have had a lot of traumatic experiences, I’m so sorry for that. :hug:
Do you have people in your life that you can talk to about this? Are you being treated for your depression? I think if it’s possible that therapy would be a very good option for you. Does your college offer any mental health services? Did the abortion clinic offer any suggestions for grief support?
I hope you reach out for help. I know you say you have self hate and insecurities, but the things that the men in your life have done is on them, not you, and it happens to a lot of people. Don’t think you don’t deserve happiness, because of course you do.
:grouphug:
 
Yingyang

Yingyang

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
5
Location
England
#3
Hi, here's my story.

I'm currently 19 years old and I have suffered with depression since I was 14. I have always been insecure and not liked the way I looked. I always felt like I didn't look like real girl, I have never liked my body or my appearance, constantly comparing myself to others, wishing I looked like them.
I was picked on throughout school, I was chubby, worse glasses and had curly hair. Nicknames such as 'fatty four eyes' and 'fugly' have stuck with me since I was 10 years old. Anyway, let's skip past the bullying, let's just say for majority of my school life I was tormented for being 'different'.
At 13 years old I was sexually assaulted by my big brothers best friend, he pressured me into having oral sex with him. I had never kissed a guy before, I didn't want to do it but I felt like I had no other choice. I didn't tell anybody for a while, so my brother continued to bring him back to my house where I would hide in my room and shake with fear. Every time I saw him I felt sick. Of course this had affects on me, I saw my body as an object and ever since then sex, and everything in-between means nothing to me, just an activity.
Anyway, fast-forward 3 years, I was very insecure. I got my first proper boyfriend. He used to say not very nice things to me such as "it would be nice if you lost some weight" and "you should wear makeup every time I come over" and that was just some of the things he said to me, which still sticks in my head.
Anyway, fast forward another few years, I'm at college. I hated my body and how I looked so every-day was a battle in my head. All I ever used to do was smoke weed and eat food. I didn't want to do anything with my time. Anyway, right before my exams my nan passed away of cancer, we were very close, she meant so much to me. I gave up college and worked for a year. (Now currently doing A levels again.) I never really confronted my emotions, like usual, I bury them deep in my head and pretend they aren't there.
So let's skip forward again. When I was 17 I got a new boyfriend. I was with him for a few years. Skip forward to January 2019. I found out he was sending nude pictures and having sexual conversations with gay men behind my back. Yeah. That messed with my head a lot, dealing my own self-hatred and insecurities, that really was the icing on top of the cake. I ask questions like what's wrong with me? Why can't I be like these other girls? Why am I not good enough? Am I really that disgusting he would rather be with men?
Here's the real T. So I break up with him after his big reveal, 2 weeks later I find out I'm pregnant with his child. So valentines day 2019 I'm in the abortion clinic having an abortion. Every-day since then has haunted me. I feel like a murderer, I feel like I don't deserve to have children. How could I do that to my own baby? I have never felt so alone in my life. Words cannot express how I feel and how these events have affected me but I'm giving it a try. I also used to self-harm. From the ages 12-17 I would regularly self harm. It made me feel better, like expressing the hatred I felt for myself. I haven't self harmed in over 2 years, apart from 1 relapse I had a few months ago. Sometimes I feel like doing it again, but I don't see the point now. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep my head on so I don't fail my A levels again. I hate every single aspect of myself. What do I do?


First of all big virtual hug. I was bullied myself hun but opposite , i was skinny bad hair etc.. so i get how it makes you feel. Youve been through alot of awful situations
Theres nothing wrong with you but alot wrong with all of them. Have you got therapy for everything thats happened?

Dont feel bad about making such a big decision, just by how upset you are you are a good person. You have lots of time to be a mum hun xx
 
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SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,421
Location
The West Country
#4
I also wish I could give you a massive hug for all the bloody crap you've had to go through. :hug1:

Have you been offered any kind of counselling or support?
Do you think you could try and reach out, either at your college or through your GP?

Please learn to love yourself also. I know it's hard and it takes time but it's so important.
You might not rate yourself much but you are thousands of times better than the people who abused you. :loveshower:
 
R

RHIRHI

New member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Birmingham, UK
#5
Thank you for your kind comments, I have reached out to my GP, I have been put on some antidepressants and my college have referred me to the therapy they have there. I find it hard to open up to people close to me so I have had a lot of built up thoughts and emotions that I have never really opened up to anybody about and I think at 19 everything is just hitting me like a ton on bricks. Hopefully I will be able to get through my A levels and achieve the grades I want, but yet again, thank you for your support.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
579
Location
California, USA
#6
I’m glad you’re getting help. Sometimes it helps just to tell your story, even on an anonymous forum!
Good luck with your studying and tests.
 

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