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My story and new worry.

E

Erudinam

Active member
Joined
Dec 22, 2020
Messages
32
Location
Greece
The last 2.5 years, I have been worrying for:
  • intrusive thoughts that had to do with asking punishment from God (or Gods if Christian God is not real),
  • rushed prayers about trying to make a deal/promise not to do ocd compulsions (and asking for punishment in case breaking them)
  • hypothetical rushed prayers about trying to make a deal/promise not to do ocd compulsions (and asking for punishment in case breaking them). Hypothetical because I do not remember making such promises, but I get a bad feeling as if they are chances that I may have made one.
The reason that I worry so much is because I tried to fight my ocd by ignoring its compulsion by making promises to God/Gods and asking for a specific punishment in case breaking them, in order to FORCE myself not to do the compulsion. Like using the fear of the punishment in order to avoid doing the compulsion. I just, wanted some relief. All these 2.5 years, I have been worrying, almost, EVERY day for breaking promises (hypothetical ones and not) to God/Gods, accidentally and not accidentally.
I suffered and worried a lot. I was worrying for that specific punishment that was trying to use its fear to beat ocd. In the end, I was feeling well by persuading myself (or my ocd) that God/Gods know that I am ill and that I did not do any harm and that these are just, meaningless promises.
Yesterday, I wanted to download an episode from a specific site. I know that downloading is probably, a sin because it is illegal but I wanted to act like a normal person. Many people download. I remembered that in the past, I was having some intrusive thoughts about that site. Maybe intrusive thoughts (about punishment) or even an hypothetical rushed promise to God/Gods that I do not remember) about NOT downloading from that site.
I started worrying that perhaps, Gods will not be forgiving (as they were for breaking harmless/stupid promises) if I break a promise that has to do with sin (downloading illegal stuff from that site). I started getting anxious. I did not want so much to download that episode. I just, wanted to see some scenes to pass my time. I felt as if I wanted to do something really wrong. I tried to calm myself by thinking that in the past, I downloaded from that site many times without worrying that I may have made a promise about not downloading from that site.
I started thinking stuff like "What if this time is different because I thought about my situation more" Since I did not want so much to download, I wanted to close the site and avoid worrying for breaking an hypothetical promise that has to do with sin. I was anxious and a little angry with my ocd, so I rushly, decided to risk it by trying to download what I wanted. I got more anxious and I was having thoughts like "either I close it and stop worrying, or I click download and ignore my ocd. There will be no turning back"
So, I clicked to download it but download did not work. I decided to close the site. I now worry that maybe I got punished (with what my ocd fears) just, because I tried to download what I wanted and ignored all ocd warnings. The download did not work but I still, worry just because I tried to download. And what makes the situation more worrying is that I cant calm myself by thinking that it was just, another meaningless, ocd promise because this specific case has to do with sin.
What if there is a secret rule that if someone asks for a punishment in case he/she sins (ocd or not) the punishment will happen?
When I tried to download from that site, I just, said to myself that I probably, never made a promise and even if I made one it was ocd and I was able to download without worrying much. Now, I tried to download again but the new ocd worry "must not break a promise that has to do with sin" made me more anxious. I could label it as ocd but still, I could not excuse myself or ignore the anxiety just because there was a sin in this case.
I am worried and angry with myself. I should have closed that site since I did not want to download so much. I just, thought that I will feel like a loser if I hear what my ocd says. So, I ignored it just, like the other time, and tried to download! Luckily, the download did not work but I worry if it still, counted as if I downlad just because I clicked it. Before clicking download, I was having thoughts "there is no turning back if I click it" and somehow, it feels as if these warning/intrusive thoughts are real. What if Gods tried to warn me by sending me these thoughts?
What if this hypothetical promise "must not download from that site" was accepted by Gods because it has to do with sin? What if Gods considered the promise broken just, because I tried to download, even thought the download did not work? What if they decided to punish me what I fear, just because They considered it that it is a good idea for trying to break a promise that has to do with sin?
I cant calm myself down like the other times by saying to myself "no worries. it was just, a harmless ocd promise". I feel insecure right now. How can I get out of this? How can I persuade myself that even if there was a sin in this promise, it still, is an OCD promise. The reason that I worry so much, is because I cant label it as ocd, even thought it is. I can calm myself if I think that this is just, an hypothesis. I cant remember making a promise and probably, never made one but still, I worry because I feel as if it was something, really, close.
I guess, since ocd lost its power in harmless, ocd promises, tried to find a new power in ocd promises that have to do with sin. Since I stopped worrying for the harmless promises, automatically, my ocd started focusing on promises that have to do with sin.
Does my story make any sense? is it understood easily?
 
S

Started 1976

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Derbyshire
Yes it does make sense to me.No it is not easily understood;but ,it does remind me of my completely confused thinking from the past.Overthinking!I would recommend you get a book called "BRAIN LOCK":FREE YOURSELF FROM OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER BY JEFFREY SCHWARTZ.Read it, take it in, absorb it!You may also have to get professional help; i did.
Finally;Stop Imagining God is going to punish you all the time!I too made promises to God that were Impossible to keep.You are Human not perfect.Please keep corresponding if you want.

Good Luck.Be Kind to yourself.
 
E

Erudinam

Active member
Joined
Dec 22, 2020
Messages
32
Location
Greece
did you asked for punishments? were the promises about nonsense stuff or about avoiding sinning?
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
141
Location
Southern USA
Your god would never want you to feel guilt and worry like that.
Remember that; and how you deserve to be free whilst you walk your journey.
Best luck. You got this.
*the old proverbial slap in the face helps to get yourself in hand, I find.
 
S

Started 1976

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Derbyshire
I don't recall asking to be punished.I promised to never smoke again yet it was a further 14 years until i finally managed it!As for sinning i still try very hard not to sin; sometimes Obsessively,doing that makes it impossible.We are all sinners.We can only do our best.I firmly believe our best is all God wants.
I don't believe for a second God will punish you.He doesn't work like that.He knows you are struggling.
I look forward to hearing from you.
 
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