My son has suicide ideation, worse than I thought

[Art78]

My son is 23. I wish I would have found him help at a young age. He says from the time he was 8 he wanted to die. He's mad at me for bringing him into the world, instead of aborting him. This is the most painful thing for a mother to hear. He's cynical about everything in his life. He's dominating of my home and time. Completely narcissistic and spewing anger and resentment. He lived solely with me and at 11 he went to live with his father. Who I did not know was a drunk and physically abused him. He moved back in with me at 18 and stayed until I kicked him out at 21. I have younger children and he was taking over every room and his younger brother of two yrs hates him. So it was stress to have him live her. He's bitter and hurt I don't want him living with me. But he's 23 and he's inconsiderate, does drugs, and drinks nonstop. I have a 17 and 11 yr old that need a stable, livable home. He's homeless and sleeping on my couch again. He's bitter that I kicked him out and angry I don't want him living here. Last night he told me he doesn't want to live anymore. He's always talking about how great death is. I am actually to the point of frustration. Because it's how he sees life and his life. I feel at my wit's end. I don't think I have the energy for him anymore which sounds awful. He yells and starts fights with me and I'm trying to not have stress. I'm having physical problems now, due to too much stress for so long. I told him he needs counseling. He only wants to wallow in pain, and tell at everyone about it. Maybe there are support lines for mother's to know how to handle kids with suicidal thoughts. I just don't know how to handle him or what even to say anymore, nothing works.

 

[HLon99]

As a person who has struggled with my mental health and has experienced suicidal ideation, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that mental health is no excuse to be treating other people poorly and especially to disrespect your parents who have done everything in their power to nurture and protect you. I know you want to do right by your son, but there is a very real possibility that he is claiming suicidal ideation as a means to try and manipulate you.

You need to have a very hard, long and serious talk with him concerning his behaviour. If his actions are causing your other children and yourself in psychological and physical harm, you need to lay down the terms to him. Explain to him that you have certain expectations of him, that he does not take drugs, respects people's boundaries and commits to therapy and fixing his mental health. And that not doing so will have the very real and serious consequence of him having to leave the house. As much as you care about him, you cannot permit this behaviour to continue otherwise you will not only be doing yourself harm, but it will also harm your other children and also be acting as an enabler to his poor behaviour.

Please do right by yourself and your other children and let him face the music.

Stay strong and if you want to talk feel free

regards,
-H

 

[Art78]

Thank you. It is true and good advice. He does twist my words around and cannot hear what I say. So talking to him is rough. But I know I have to be firm and direct. I have to stay vigilant about truth. He does manipulate. I am getting healthier myself. I have my brain back after being in a coma like fog for nearly a decade. I also have found a new sense of power in myself. I was on an antipsychotic (11yrs) that I should have only been on for a short time. Just went off in August. I am better equipped to handle him now, than before. I will be strong. Thanks.

 

[Bipolarbear808]

Hi Art78,

I really sorry to hear that you've been going through all of this. I give you a lot of credit for trying to make things work as you could have easily kicked him out and never looked back!

I agree with what HLon99 said about have a serious talk with him. I think you should definitely set some ground rules about his behavior under your roof--for the sake of your other children. As long as he knows he can get away with bad behavior he won't have a reason to stop!

It sounds like you are going through your own struggles and I think it might be a good idea to have your own support system (support group/therapist) just to help you deal with all the stress it sounds like you've been going through!

Best wishes!

 

[Bluejay7500]

Housing has been hard subject for parents and children to get through to each other. I know from experience mental health can impose a whole lot of stress between family members. I know it must’ve taken a lot for you to do the initial job of kicking him out but I think you should go a step further. I think that you should lay the guidelines down for the house and if he does not follow them that he is no longer welcome under your roof. I know that he is your older child but sometimes Toughlove can have great effects. Sometimes when I get into a fight with my loved ones we would sit down and have a talk afterwards about what we were happy with and and we were willing to except from each other. I think this would be a better idea so that you can really understand where he’s coming from. Maybe he has some built-up aggression or emotions towards some thing that he needs to express..Maybe opening up and having these conversations will help him get into therapy and talk about his issues to somebody else.

take care