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My sister

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Player1514

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Joined
Apr 11, 2021
Messages
23
Location
Canada
this is about 3 years ago. I am still young but back then I was just naive. I heard my mother crying over the phone. I went to the door of the room when I overheard her saying something like my sister tried to commit suicide over a guy.

I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. I went outside and I tried to imagine my sister and started crying. I just couldn't believe what she just did. I was thinking about how me, my mother, my father mean nothing to her, it's that fucking guy. he hurt her. And because of him, she decided to take her life. I don't know. I just at that moment could not understand. I just hated her so much. for doing this to me. after 5 min of crying. I decided to not cry over her. it made me numb. I buried every single feeling I had after that night for two years. At that time I had seen both my parents cry over our living condition. I saw my father go into depression. I saw my parents screaming at each other every day for leaving the country we just immigrated to and I had nothing. but then...

my grandma. last year she went back to India. I love my grandma very much. I am very close to her. and honestly she comes along with my mother because she sacrificed for me just as much. I cried when she went back to India. After that my anxiety increased, I saw what depression is, I hadn't ever processed the pain and now it came in waves. it is still something that I am trying to understand and fix.

I just wanted to get that out. I haven't told anyone about this. I am also very secretive about my depression and anxiety.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
Hi player how brave of you to share your story with us today. I am glad that you have your grandmother to give you strength and comfort. I am sorry about your sister attempting to take her own life over a guy. While this can seem selfish broken relationships like that can produce feelings that are incredibly overwhelming that make us sometimes feel we need an outlet for that feeling. It’s terrible that she felt she needed to go this route but I’m sure it wasn’t because she didn’t love your family. It was because the strength of the separation from this guy produced emotions that were too much for her. I’m sorry that you have become so depressed as a result.

I wonder if you have ever considered therapy to deal with the trauma of your sisters attempt and also the depression and anxiety that you experience. It might help to have someone understanding that you can confide in so that your struggles will no longer be a secret and from whom you can get some support. I’m glad you are here getting support from us also. I know sharing here is not always easy to do but there are some wonderfully kind, understanding and sympathetic people here to help you. We are glad that you found us. xo, j
 
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2Much2Feel

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Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
719
Location
US
I am sorry you are struggling with depression and anxiety, it is a real fight. So many of us dealing with this, you are in good company.

As far as your sister's suicide attempt, first off I am really sorry how much this hurt you all. I know it comes as a personal blow and the anger that comes from losing someone to suicide (or an attempt), which is happening far too much lately. The sadness turns to anger at a certain point. I think it has to do with us blaming ourselves for not knowing somehow, etc. But what I want to say is that I have tried twice to truly off myself, thank God made it through. I had a friend who asked me how I could be so selfish, how could I do that to my family and friends, how do you get to that point? I explained to her that at that moment, at that point, I honestly felt like I was such a burden to everyone that they'd be OK, they'd be fine when I was gone. I believed it 100 percent.

Sadly, this friend ended up killing herself a couple of years ago out of the blue (seemingly to all who knew her), and it was unbearable, the pain. I had no idea she had any depression issues, had seen her just 3 days prior, she seemed so happy, we had a small argument (of course...), and I texted her 3 days later only to have her father text me back that she had taken her life. I went into shock. Then sadness and grief, then anger at her for doing this, she knew I struggled so much with depression, how could she do that to me and not feel like she could even talk to me about it? Then I remembered my own experience, and how those intense feelings can sooooo distort your thinking, you are not thinking straight. Your sister loves you and your family. She was unfortunately dealing with intense emotions and it likely just took over and distorted her thinking, she did not do this to hurt you or b/c she didn't care about you. I love my family to death (dysfunctional as it is), but couldn't take the pain and believed they'd be better off. In the wake of my friend's suicide, I know differently. It may remove your pain, but it puts it on everyone else. It's never the answer.

Are you feeling that bad, like you understand her suicidal feelings?
 
P

Player1514

Member
Joined
Apr 11, 2021
Messages
23
Location
Canada
Hi player how brave of you to share your story with us today. I am glad that you have your grandmother to give you strength and comfort. I am sorry about your sister attempting to take her own life over a guy. While this can seem selfish broken relationships like that can produce feelings that are incredibly overwhelming that make us sometimes feel we need an outlet for that feeling. It’s terrible that she felt she needed to go this route but I’m sure it wasn’t because she didn’t love your family. It was because the strength of the separation from this guy produced emotions that were too much for her. I’m sorry that you have become so depressed as a result.

I wonder if you have ever considered therapy to deal with the trauma of your sister's attempt and also the depression and anxiety that you experience. It might help to have someone understanding that you can confide in so that your struggles will no longer be a secret and from whom you can get some support. I’m glad you are here getting support from us also. I know sharing here is not always easy to do but there are some wonderfully kind, understanding and sympathetic people here to help you. We are glad that you found us. xo, j

Well frankly I have considered going to therapy but I just can't till I am out of my house and I can afford it on my own. I don't want to bother my parents with anything more than they already are I think they are doing enough. it's just I have to learn how to deal with these feelings and for the past year that's what I have been trying to figure out. but I do think having someone who doesn't know me to talk to them about all this would be great I would just have to wait until the end of this year till I move out. But thank you so much.

I get what you are trying to say though. I think I just need maybe more time to you know totally forgive her. I know that might seem a bit selfish, but I do still talk to her normally. it's more in my head that I blame her sometimes.

And I don't feel suicidal but when I am depressed I just understand how it can be. it is like you are in a slide that you were scared to go into but there you are you stand in the chamber and the countdown starts. Then three two one... and you go down. you have no control over what is happening and all you know is that you are scared and you are going down. you get so scared you can't even scream and now all you can do is wait till the ride ends.

P.S. The ride ends means when you stop feeling that way. it doesn't mean life. And I am not currently depressed that's why I want to fix the problems I know I have by talking about them and writing about them. it helps me clear out my mind so when one of the problems comes up I am not scared and I know how to deal with it.
 
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