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My self-harming habits don't seem that bad to me...

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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Ontario
I'm at the point right now where I don't self-harm regularly but it really doesn't seem all that serious to me. I used to sh a lot but one day I looked at my body in the mirror covered in scars and suddenly it felt so self-destructive and terrible that I put maximum effort into quitting.
Now, I might be slipping back in but I don't really care anymore. I don't care much about myself these days. But I remember feeling better when self-care was a priority. I just don't know how to get back into that mentality.
 
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JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
131
Location
UK
Hi Xaven, I know it’s very hard to get back to some form of positive mentality. I struggle too, knowing that I need to leave my bedroom and walk outside but it is impossible to do sometimes. I’m having a bad day today but yesterday my mental health worker came to see me. I was happy to see her and we spent an hour together talking which left me in a better place. I was then able to stay out of my room and sit outside for the remainder of the day. But today....back to square one. It’s so disappointing. I hope you can find your way back. Don’t give up. Xx
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Ontario
I understand that progress can be difficult in recovery. I'm glad talking with the mental health worker helped you, Julia. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. That might help some but I need to talk about these thoughts now. I have very severe bipolar disorder and the things I've done in psychotic episodes makes me feel stupid and useless. I feel like the best I can hope for is temporary escape from depression and self-destruction.
I had a vivid dream of self-harming a couple days ago and it's been on my mind again since then. It made me feel like self-harm is too deeply ingrained in me to ever overcome completely.
I read an article suggesting to fill your time with things that make your life feel more positive so today I listened to music, looked through my favourite art book and read some humorous comic books. Recently I've been shopping in excess to escape the empty feelings but it's time to manage my feelings in a way that won't get me deeper in debt.
 
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JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
131
Location
UK
I don’t understand much about Bipolar but I’m happy to listen to your posts If you just want to write everything down.
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Ontario
I've had episodes of depression since I was around 8 and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 years ago. (with schizoaffective and bpd traits) I am Bipolar type 1 which means I experience episodes of both mania and depression. This diagnosis is based mainly on the symptoms of mania which are very severe. I experience extreme euphoria (or anger), impared judgment, delusions, hypersexuality (which is extra confusing because I'm asexual) and psychosis. My episodes can be extremely destructive. My life has become a cycle of that and depression.
This has alienated me from my family. They kicked me out of the house. I was stayed at the homeless shelter last winter before I could get on the government's disability program and start renting a room. I have a job now and a youtube channel, and as I've stabilized I've been getting reconnected with my family.
So, I'm at the point where my life is improving, and it should feel good, but I just feel empty and get the feeling that I'd rather be in a dreamless sleep than existing. My favourite activities interest me less than usual. I still enjoy reading and stuff, it just takes extra effort right now. If I slip back into depression I feel like self-harm is inevitable. It's been a part of my life on and off for the last 8 years. Why fight it? I can cover it up. It's not as bad as the cigarettes I smoke, right? These are the thoughts I stuglle with because they sound so much like truth.
 
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JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
131
Location
UK
Wow, I have to say, you have done really well. Despite your family turning their backs on you, you found somewhere to live, and a job! Well done! And now you are rebuilding your relationships with your family. You have been through so much. I’m not surprised you feel empty. Perhaps that bit will take more time. Can you reach out and get some more support to help you just in case you are heading for another episode. Don’t be hard on yourself. You have come a long way. Don’t give up.
 
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Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Ontario
I don't know who I'd reach out to. I've been losing or drifting apart from my most supportive friends for various reasons. I feel rather unneeded because of this and the stuff with my family. I really want a cat. That might help.
But I'm also know that I'm one manic episode away from making a total fool of myself and losing money and ruining relationships and other stuff. For example one of my delusions was that there was a high concentration of mystical energy on certain pages in my favourite books so I ripped several pages out of them. I act weird and irrational and became utterly convinced of the craziest things. Like that God wanted me to take all my clothes off and throw them out the window while I was in a stranger's house. I take a ton of meds but I feel a lack of control in my life. I feel incredibly stupid. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It's hard to get over. It's not like my positive achievements and progress will ever make the shame I feel shrink the impact my mania has had on me.
I went through my DBT skills binder I got from a therapy group I attended this summer and it suggested trying the opposite action which would be forgiving myself for behaviour caused by my disorder but that's something I can only do to a point right now.
 
X

Xaven

Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2019
Messages
12
Location
Ontario
The urges were persistent throughout the past few days and last night I felt like I had to give in or I would never get to sleep, so I called a crisis line. They told me that if i wanted to self harm, i would do it but it wasn’t because it was inevitable or because of my mental illness. It wasn't controlling me, and in the end I was the one in control. At first this felt empowering, but then I also felt ashamed of all the times I had given. I decided that I may not be able to decide now if I s/h next week but I choose not to be the victim of my own self-harm right now.
Taking control is still not easy, but I think I can manage today.
 
Justafriend95

Justafriend95

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
798
Location
Netherlands
I'm at the point right now where I don't self-harm regularly but it really doesn't seem all that serious to me. I used to sh a lot but one day I looked at my body in the mirror covered in scars and suddenly it felt so self-destructive and terrible that I put maximum effort into quitting.
Now, I might be slipping back in but I don't really care anymore. I don't care much about myself these days. But I remember feeling better when self-care was a priority. I just don't know how to get back into that mentality.
Feel like that.
Did the same.. still not sure..
 
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