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my secret nightmare

J

JAnna

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Joined
Apr 21, 2015
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3
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Netherlands
The father of my child is so sick he needs help. I am alone with the baby, and I keep debating do I stay or do I go. If he gets real help and makes real effort to get help I will stay, though I'm terrified every weekend when he is home that he will have an episode. When he does, He physically harms himself. He throws chairs across the house, he tries to break anything in his path. He screams at my face, has the Devils eyes and I see no resemblance of the man I know. This lasts about. 20 minutes followed by an emotional breakdown apologizing and saying he needs help. This has happened a couple times in the last 2 years, but it's becoming more frequent at 4 times in the last 2 months. He suffered from psychosis in his teenage years, with 1 episode that had him hospitalized for 2 weeks. He is somewhere in the bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, NLD, world but I don't know for sure.

I do not want my friends and family to know because I feel ashamed with his behavior. We live in another country as my employer transferred me there, so friends and family are thousands of miles away to not be exposed to this nightmare I am living. He is a fully functioning business owner of 55 employees during the week, and his episodes are at home, and I am his trigger.

I'm terrified if I left, what he will do to himself because the baby and I are his world. He loves us so much and this is not the man he wants to be. He is in denial regarding his mental health state and downplays it as a "temper". He has been on zyprexa for 5 years. It makes him go somewhat less irritable, but slow. Really slow and lazy. He refuses to see a psychiatrist again and has recently gone twice to a psychologist that tells him to meditate.

I'm afraid. I have nobody to talk to. He needs serious help, but is living in denial about the severity of his problems. I do not want our beautiful baby to be exposed to this. I would really appreciate the advice of anyone who has gone through something similar, or who can offer suggestions on how to cope.
 
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calypso

calypso

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Hello JAnna and :welcome: to the forum. I personally think that no person should be treating you this way. I think you are making excuses for this, and no, it doesn't sound like any illness to me. If someone is psychotic, it would be all the time. No man has a right to abuse you - none!

People who abuse another will use any excuse for that behaviour and will eventually blame you for this. Apologising afterwards is what they always do. Its his anger, its not your problem. You need to get over being ashamed about this - its not your fault - at all. You are right to protect your baby. If you want my opinion, get out. I know that is very hard and there will no doubt be all kinds of complications, financial and work etc, but he is escalating. This isn't illness, this is anger and whatever his problems, he is taking them out on you. That is never acceptable, ever.

His psychologist needs to be sacked! If you leave, he will beg you, promise the universe, promise never to do it again, and he will if you go back. Its a well known pattern and many women on here (and maybe some men) will know it only too well.
 
L

limichelle32

Active member
Joined
Dec 31, 2014
Messages
44
Hello,
First off hugs to you!
Second I agree that you need to leave. If he truly wanted to help himself he would! He would see the psychiatrist and pick a different psychologist! You can't change him and it sounds like he doesn't want to! The hell he has created is by his own doing so don't blame yourself. Illness or no illness nobody should be treated like you are being treated!
Good luck and keep us posted!
Lisa
 
J

JAnna

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Apr 21, 2015
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3
Location
Netherlands
He has never physically harmed me. He harms himself, leaving his own face black and blue, and he can't stop himself. One second he is the kind gentle man I once knew, and he will feel hurt about something I say, and it's like a switch goes off in his head and he starts stomping and pacing around, swearing and talking to himself, looking for things to throw/break, and starts hurting himself if the face, over and over again. There is no fight happening between us, it is a fight with himself. Afterwards, he has his breakdown, cries promises the world like you say, but oddly enough starts to become overly happy, in a scary way, it is a fake happy because I know he is hurting deep inside. He cries more than any man I know. He has suffered a lot of trauma in the past, and still does not know how to cope. He doesn't see the severity of his problems because he blocks them from his brain, wants to forget they happened. I really believe he does forget. If anyone has seen a loved one hurt themselves over and over again it's terrifying, it's not something you can forget.
 
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Kerome

Kerome

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Sep 29, 2013
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12,750
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Europe
It certainly sounds like he doesn't have very good control or coping strategies for these occurrences, this is something he should discuss with his psychologist. On the one hand he is only doing violence to himself and the furniture, but on the other hand it is upsetting to see and it's only a step away from doing violence to you. I'd have a serious talk with him when he is feeling calm, try and tell him that this can't continue the way it is now, and ask him to find a better way to cope with these fits.

I have some sympathy for him, he has been on zyprexa for a long while and it may now be developing some side effects. Maybe his medication needs to change. I don't think that meditation alone is going to make these fits go away in the short term, although it might help in the long term.
 
J

JAnna

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Apr 21, 2015
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Netherlands
Kerome, I want him to go back to a psychiatrist and have his meds re-evaluated, but he will only see a psychologist. He said he is tired of the different diagnosis of what wrong with him, as he has had various problems/handicaps through childhood. He will not let anyone use the word "sick" to describe him, and if I do it's one of his triggers to flip. A new diagnosis and medication change is the last thing he wants but maybe it is exactly what he needs. In the moment of calm after, and he knows his behavior is wrong. I need help on convincing him to see a psychiatrist. If I confront him when he is mentally stable, it will be no different than turning on a light switch and seeing him transform before my very eyes. If I confront him when he is mentally low, his self harm and temper will be worse. I'm not sure how to keep pressuring him to go without hurting his feelings as he did start to see a psychologist 2 weeks ago. It will sound to him like nagging and also unappreciative of his recent efforts with a psychologist. He knows what he can lose, I tell him, and it hurts him deeply. Is forcing him to see a psychiatrist the same as him going on his own will?
 
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