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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

My sad life

P

Piko

New member
Joined
Aug 7, 2020
Messages
1
Location
United states
I



**First of all, please, if you are depressed and do not have a strong grip on it do not read my post. I am taking fluff away so it’s gonna be depressing. Please, I do not want anyone to suffer: if you are struggling yourself you should not help others even if it is tempting.**


I have been reading many posts about depression, on many platforms, and one thing I noticed is that depressed people like to talk about themselves, their lives, their mistakes etc. It seems to be an 'irrestitible urge'. I wonder why this trait is so common in depressed people including myself and if it is in itself a symptom or perhaps a 'warning light' that these people (us) ignore for a long time until it becomes a compulsive behavior. This behavior leads them to constantly analize themselves and their past under a negative, melancholic, light perhaps fueling the issue. At any rate, this is my story, and where I am at.

I am a 40 years old man who has immigrated to the States from Europe 17 years ago. I moved to the States because it is where my now wife was from when I met her 18 years ago. I don’t have any family here and I am not good at making friends. At the age of 30, while wondering all my life about my difficulty making friends, my mother told me when I was a kid I was diagnosed with Asperger’s. Mind you, these are the 80s in Europe, times were different back then so, my mom decided to not have me officially diagnosed and shoved the news under the carpet. Also note, I do not resent her as she thought the label and the associated stigma would affect my life: I think she made the right decision. In my life, I never purpously stole, robbed, deceived or harmed any other human being. I overall consider myself a decent person...but I know I cannot be, otherwise I would have more people around me.

I am no stranger to depression. My first encounter with it, also the first time I considered taking my life, I was 12. Then again once during my teens (of course) and adulthood (because why not) and now, during the Covid Pandemic, I think I am going through some of the toughest times of my life. The interesting thing is that I do not consider to have had or have a tough existence. I wasn’t abused (at least I don’t think) I wasn’t in a violent dysfunctional family and, even though I had an horrible relationship with my dad that led me to leave home at 17, I think my childhood was pretty decent if not even plain good. My dad ended up ubruptly leaving this world 3 years ago, just for the records. Anyhow, even in this Pandemic I am working so it is not effecting me economically but mentally. I work and sleep...that's pretty much all I do most days.

My wife, the person I love and admire the most on this planet, has always struggled to find her place in this world, identity-wise and career-wise. She has always blamed circumstances for the decisions she made and goes about her life resenting those decisions as, if they weren't dictated by circumstances, she wouldn't have made them.

5 Years ago (after I had finished my schooling) I thought it would have been a good time to try having kids: my wife disagreed and saw that as too much pressure that led us to break up for some months. I moved out as she wanted to 'find her place'. Months later she contacted me and wanted to try it again. I reluctantly (due to the suffering experienced during that break up) said yes. We slowly restarted where we left from but some things never felt the same again. The pain I experienced grieving her loss might have scarred me forever. However, although upset at first, I do not resent my wife for doing what she did; she never did anything on purpose to hurt me, she truly felt the need to act as she did.

3 years ago my wife, was diagnosed with MCTD. We investigated the origin of a skin rash she had for months and that lead (because I asked the doctors for it) to an ANA panel which unearthed the condition. That year I had a severe moment of depression and panic. I wish I had been stronger to support my wife but, in the end, she was the one taking care of me. I feel like I always end up hurting the person I love the most in a way or another. I despise myself for that.

At that point she seemed like she wanted to have kids (fear of missing out perhaps) but I was not on board with that. The break up 2 years before had devastated me and to date I still have not fully recovered from it psychologically (and I am not trying to be dramatic, I hope you believe me). Again, I do not blame her for my pain: I want to make that clear. I just was not in the right state of mind.

And here we are now, I am 40 and she is 38 and we do not have kids.

I was prescribed Lexapro for depression a couple of months into the pandemic timeline. I am reluctant to take medications because I do not want to be enslaved to them the rest of my life. So, illogically, I have instead self medicated using THC for the past few months. being such a widely used 'light' illecit substance, I thought it was gonna be easier for me to break free from it. Unfortunately, I think I was wrong.

Don't get me wrong: I don't normally do drugs. Last time I did any kind of illegal drugs it was 20 years ago and I probably had done it 5-6 times. It would help with sleep back then. So anyhow, THC allowed me to re-live a number of events from my past; memories I could never retrive before. Many memories from my past, in fact, I could never remember - I link the 'block' to the relationship with my dad but I can’t be sure. So, these memories helped me being more serene and, for some time, made my depression go away almost completely. Of course, TCH is addictive so, six months down the line, I was consuming it at an increasing rate to the point that some days it was all I would do. I realized I was in this drug's grip and needed to do something about it. In that precise moment my wife, who had lost her job at the beginning of the pandemic and had been depressed herself, started talking about a possible separation. Her reasoning was because of the many things she couldn’t do in her life because of me. She had been isolated for two years barely seeing anybody else as she started working from home and, when the pandemic started, she stopped seeing any human being but me for five months. I think our living situation was already a precarious one before Covid hit, so when it did, its intensity was heightened for my wife as a result of all these conditions. I stopped consuming THC...and had a panic that lasted a whole day short after. My wife had to help me through it and, being that she had no idea I started using THC to fight my depression, she might have thought that it was all a reaction to her decision of separating. So, logically, I started using THC again to avoid these panic attacks, but this time I would just use it at night to sleep and decreasing the amount every day in hope that, when I will attempt again, the panic attacks will be manageable by myself.

Starting a few months before the pandemic hit (Feb 2020 here in the US) my wife has been losing weight. As I write this (six months into the pandemic)she is 15 lbs lighter than she was when it started. And she has not been trying to lose weight. She is also losing her hair at an increased rate, so we have been seeing doctors to figure out how to stop this. She seems to be ok most of the times, I don't know if she just doesn't show her worries or really worries less. She is the kind of person who cannot take medications regularly and seems to be able to focus only on the things she is interested in. She has ADHD. I am constantly thnking and researching about her condition and finding ways to prepare for it and keep her as healthy as possible. This is eating at me. I wish I could take all her issues myself and suffer in her place instead. But, because of my mental state, she has to continually reassure me things are fine. I know she is experiencing a full on existential crisis and I cannot help her with it. I am weak, when I should be strong. I think this is not gonna end well for us but, at least, if that makes her happy I guess I could wrap my head around it eventually. I just worry about her...and myself. I worry, that is all I do. Every minute of my life. I look at things and start having heart burn because I don't see their point. I am growing increasingly skeptic of my own purpose and, for that matter, the one of anyone else. These recent developments are leading me to not see the point of life and longer. Everything I did in my life, the suffering endured to achieve anything I have ever achieved, amounted to nothing and, among all of that, I am increasingly more afraid of being alone. Recently, I find myself constantly picturing an old and alone me, and I can't think of a way that could be a happy life at all.

So, here I am, 40 years old, no kids, no family around me in a country where I don't really know anybody except for a large number of acqueintances. I tried to make friends but it never worked out. Or maybe it did but I never noticed. I am still relatively healthy and good looking. I am intelligent in some way and have a good career. Even without my wife I should be able to be happy but for some reason I can't. I fell into the trap of thinking that others can make you happy and stayed in that trap for 18 years when I know the only one that can make one happy is one self. But I don't know how and I fear one of these days I will finally get in it just deep enough to not be able to get out anymore. These events placed me in a situation where I can’t even understand if I am with my wife because of love or because I fear being alone. Does it have to either or? Could it be both?

I have not been blessed with a mind that understood the frequencies and the rhythms of this universe, unlike some lucky ones, for me it has been a wack-a-mole game in the dark that lasted my entire life, with more issues popping up that I could timely solve. The social interactions that for some are routine and simple for me can be a complicated maze to navigate trying to not get hurt or hurt anyone along the way. I know that until my mother is alive I have a reason to stay, but once she is gone I suspect the strength will go as well. I just hope in the mean time I learn something that could help me. I wish one day I"ll look back at all this like in the movies. Alive, alone or in company, crippled or healthy. I hope one day I could be reading posts like these written by younger people then I will be, and I’d be able to tell them what worked for me. I would be content even if I could help one of them as I wish right now that one would be me. But I have the feeling I won't see that.

I never did take Lexapro. I am waiting to get over my withdrawals to start taking it, it may be just a couple of days away. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I think about maybe trying having kids as it seems what everyone else does. Will that make things better? I doubt it and it could then ruin the lives of the children I would have. I just don't know what else to do. On the one hand I am thinking about letting my wife go on by herself to not damage her life anymore. On the other I would like to remain by her side to help her thorugh tough times should they come. And try having kids? Would that help either one of us? Is that a rightful reason to bring someone else onto this sad world? Can we even have kids at this age and with our conditions? I don't know.

I wrote this in hope that perhaps someone older who recognizes a similar life story or similar experiences will tell me what worked for them and shine their light on at least some of the path ahead. I know we are all unique but, with all the people on this rock, there has to be someone out there who can relate...at least in part I hope. And with those parts I could possibly build myself a raft to get out of this paralyzing cold and navigate a little further. If not, perhaps I will get past this on my own, and this will be a remaninder to myself about what I went through. Maybe I won't get past it, maybe I already gave up, and this piece will remain floathing in the ether years after I am gone; proof I was here after all. I had dreams and hopes that I seem to have misplaced and can no longer retrive. And so I left alone. You won't know, but if you couldn't help me maybe you can help someone else. If you got a grip on your depression and are strong now, help others who are weak, help me, and someday someone will help your daughters and nephews who could find themselves in my situation.
 
sunset547544

sunset547544

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2016
Messages
1,060
Location
UK, London
I suffer from crippling depression to much of the time. I am also 40, no kids male wife doesn't want kids. I feel like garbage, my life seems like a joke. I have learnt that the best I can do is try to accept, do my best and make a bit of money on the way. Part of me wishes everyone would just go up in flames tbh other than a few loved ones. I went through a phase of weed smoking a few years ago but had to stop as the paranoia, coughing etc it wasn't worth it. I feel much better also packed in the nicotine. I don't take anti depressants, side effects always seemed to disturbing. I was hitting the gym every day around Christmas time I felt good but hurt my shoulder so that had to stop which sucks. I am also self obsessed, constantly self analysing. It sucks.
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
385
Location
Murrieta, CA
For me the main part is that I have no life. If I could go somewhere almost every weekend to a party or meet a girl at a coffee shop I think I would be a lot better and covoid putting restrictions on our freedom's makes it a lot worse. You just have a hard life like the rest of us depressed people. You experience dark emotions and thoughts like the rest of us. I just hope one day after being on this earth we will I be in a place where we won't experience all these miseries.
 
nutsie

nutsie

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
300
Location
Keeling
I feel very sorry for yous and understand pain you

Asperger's make very difficult to make friend. I like with many ladies have Asperger's they no understand behavior other person.

Therapy can help very much if can get

Asperger's person usually very clever and get depressed easy because frustration at no have communicate skills

I have good bbok it is 500 page English difficult for me so I read very slow but is CBT therapy very good

Name is Feeling Good by David Burns doctor

You can download free on b-ook.org

Please continue do best

I think good you no have kids. Is much stress and you can pass Asperger's to children your life is more easier no have kud

I hope this help you
 
B

Bet

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
54
Location
Nc
Hello, 1st I am a big child advocate so I am begging you not to have children. Children should not be born with a job of making someone happier or fixing a marriage etc. you nor your marriage is stable enough to care for children. You said u were given Lexapro. Have you been on meds before or have u sought mental health treatment. You really need to seek some therapy. Depression meds take time to work, and many times, it takes time for a dosage or combo to be adjusted until u get the right dosage for you. There is a treatment in the US that has been very successful with depression. It is normally called TMS therapy. You have accomplished some things. You came to America, got an education, and are now working. What do u do? Are u having trouble working due to this? Hope u get help soon.
 
P

Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
619
Location
UK
You won't know, but if you couldn't help me maybe you can help someone else. If you got a grip on your depression and are strong now, help others who are weak, help me, and someday someone will help your daughters and nephews who could find themselves in my situation.
Are you referring to karma, i do not believe in karma, but i do believe in its essence. I am saying that every action has a reaction, that comes fast or it happens over time. Not every good action has good reactions, not every bad action has bad reactions. Bad boys, and good men are perfect examples are what i am trying to say. I do believe that in helping someone down the line that person will help someone else. Help others for them to help others i believe that.
 
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