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My relationship

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EstherRose94

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I don’t know if the current state of it is sustainable? We love each other but we also frustrate each other very easily. I want to be with him forever I think and then I think I don’t even want to be with him right now. I think it’s because he won’t tell me that he’s sure about me. He wants to just see what happens over time. I want my bf to love and protect me and say “duh I’ll always be with you. How could I be without you?”

I don’t need a set plan I just need that sentiment and he’s more like “if it works out then cool, if not we’ll live”

I want a family soon. I don’t really like living on my own. I feel like I’m just a stupid girl who couldn’t be a wife or mom anyway though so I might as well just keep this day by day thing up with bf.

Then other times he’ll say he does want those things just not yet. Well duh not yet that’s not the question. But in a few years? If not with him I’ll find someone else so idk why he’s not trying to keep me for himself unless he just doesn’t really want me.

I’ve taught myself to not care about him so much but our problems still aren’t totally fixed. I tend to act like a young kid with him which sometimes I think is so special and sweet and other times I think it’s disgusting because I can’t trust him to stay so why am I putting this effort in? I wish I could keep him at arms length but he gets offended and then HE gets all needy. That pattern of our behaviors is just not ok with me anymore but idk what I want. Either a ring or a break up but idk which one!!
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya. Why don't you write him a letter spelling out what the problem is carefully. I know it sounds cuckoo writing a letter to someone who is in the same space as you but it gives you time to think through what you would like to say and to say it clearly.

Also make a list for yourself of what you want out of life and write down what you don't want. Then look at it and ask yourself if you can live with what you don't want.
 
L

Lab rat

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Hi, it seems to me that you want to be with him, but are afraid of rejection so you put up barriers and self sabotage.

if you want to know where you stand... just ask, sounds simple doesn’t it? I’m a male and that’s the advice I would give someone dealing with me. Ask a straight question, get a straight answer.

have you considered the possibility he is feeling insecure and would like the same?
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah I know to some extent he doesn’t trust that I really want to be with him either but I can’t get to that point until I feel secure first.

When I ask he says he wants to be together and he wants to maybe have a family someday but no promises. And he doesn’t want to plan our lives together. He wants to do his thing and me do my thing and if it happens to work out then that’s good. I don’t want to do that cause it seems like we’re in limbo.

Maybe a letter would help. It’s hard to know what I want and I also feel selfish for wanting a family so badly. It seems like a dumb thing to want.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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About the kids thing, I know your struggle. I don't know if I should share my details because I don't want to influence you, but hubby and I did finally come to an agreement. It took us a long time to get to this point though.

About the rest of it, I'm just curious of other's opinions on this because I honestly don't know what to suggest. All I can say is relationships are hard and it ultimately comes down to the love and what you can live with. Maybe the others are right about a letter, at least get your thoughts on paper e an if you don't give it to him, but you need to tell him that you need a commitment from him. If he's not willing to do that, you're not sure that you want to stay with him even though you do love him.
Hugs and best wishes for you!
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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Yeah I know to some extent he doesn’t trust that I really want to be with him either but I can’t get to that point until I feel secure first.

When I ask he says he wants to be together and he wants to maybe have a family someday but no promises. And he doesn’t want to plan our lives together. He wants to do his thing and me do my thing and if it happens to work out then that’s good. I don’t want to do that cause it seems like we’re in limbo.

Maybe a letter would help. It’s hard to know what I want and I also feel selfish for wanting a family so badly. It seems like a dumb thing to want.

This sounds to me like he enjoys being with you, but hes not ready for commitment and you sound like you dont want everything now but you want the possibility which is what hes saying in guy language.

So i think you should make sure he knows you are just gonna want those things eventually and if hes not open to that then the relationship is going to work.
 
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EstherRose94

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I kinda need more like a probability? Lol. Like most likely unless something crazy happens. But then I feel pressure too and I’m just like what on earth.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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Zackthemaniac I think you made a typo there

:grouphug:
I did. Thanks for pointing it out in front of everyone 😭


Just kidding. 😁 Yes it was supposed to be Isnt* in case anyone was confused
 
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Zoe1

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sorry I wasnt meaning to ' teacher ' you !
 
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EstherRose94

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Lol it’s all good I used my context clues haha.

Idk I mean I understand myself way better than I did two years ago but I still feel like I don’t quite know what it is I’m feeling.

Part of me just wants to be in a relationship that’s easy/ takes less effort. I know it might not be as interesting or as intense but like I’m cool with that. I need a super chill home base. Idk how to have that with this person or if we could bc he seeks out emotion and excitement and I seek stability and calm.

Does that make sense?
 
Z

Zoe1

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yes that makes entirely sense

I dont know how you work that out
while living with someone you are not sure about

ive had about 10 years I think without a romance
apart from a fling with a guy
in 2014 , which was very regrettable
because I did not have feelings for him

but when I get feelings for someone
I become obsessed to the point
wehre i dont know what I feel any more !

people speak of one year breaks
or sometimes 10 year breaks
without a relationship, in order to rediscover themselves

sorry I cant remember if you are living together
because there are all these options
like staying in the relationship , living apart,
or having a break for whatever agreed length of time
be it months or years

or living together with new boundaries
about each others space requirements, separate rooms
me time etc

n yeah you need to go home to somewhere you can chill definitely

:love: :hug5: :loveshower: 🕯🍀
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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It makes sense. But every relationship takes effort and has stress. Its unavoidable. If you really like him, you just have to communicate and try to make it work. If you feel like you're genuinely not a fit for each other their is no shame it calling it quits if its whats best for both of you.
 
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EstherRose94

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Yeah. Idk if it’s us not fitting or if I’m like thinking it should be easier than is reasonable. I don’t really have any other relationships to compare it to and a lot of times I feel like I need to just like collect some more data lol. Speed date a few people really quick or something.

We don’t live together but sometimes we talk about it but he only wants to if I can do so without the implication that living together means we’re going to get married. Like I get he’s scared to move in because he doesn’t want that to imply permanence like that really is scary but I can’t help but feel offended by it lol.

My mom and my therapist both say to not move in with him if he’s still unsure in that way. I agree in my heart of hearts but I’m also like ehh..why not? Maybe it’d just be fun. But I’m pretty sure that’s a bad reason to move in lol.
 
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