My relationship broke down with my partner after he lost his mum?

[SarahEmm]

Hi guys,

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I posted this in the depression forum, I'm unaware if this fits in here or not however I am on antidepressants and have been for over a year now due to my overwhelming feelings.

I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 2 years now and I would say on the whole even though we've had a few blips and I've had personal things to deal with we were pretty solid, at least I thought so.

We're from two different cultures however that never really affected us during the time of us being together, apart from me feeling threatened and undermined infront of other women from his culture.

Sadly, his mum passed away recently and it was completely out the blue. She was back in his home country while he was living here in the UK and hadn't seen her for years. It was a friend of his that phoned me and told me the night they phoned out however asked me not to say anything as he wanted to come round and tell him face to face himself.

The next morning, a squad of around 10 of his friends came into our tiny cramped flat to break the news. Obviously, he was devastated and shocked. I was trying to be there for him as much as I could but it was really hard with all his friends there and people just kept coming and coming into the flat. It became quite overwhelming for me personally as there was all these men in our house that I hardly knew, speaking another language and of course during lockdown I just didn't feel comfortable with it. The flat belongs to him, but I furnished the place and we lived there together with our little kitten (who was also traumatised by the amount of people coming and going.)

As part of the culture and as the only woman in the house, I was expected to make loads of food, endless cups of tea and just when you thought you could sit down - more people just kept coming. His friends kept coming up to me saying 'oh we need another dish' or 'we're running out of glasses'. It was just too much! I know it seems to minor but for me personally at some points I got so anxious and wound up I couldn't catch a breath. I wasn't eating myself, my back was aching from being on my feet from around 9am and they didn't leave until around 2am the next morning. And this was just one of the days! When I thought this was over, they come strolling in the next morning at the same time (the ones that never stayed over) and this went on for around 4-5 days.

Like I said, I know it sounds minor, but as much as I have always respected his culture and friends and family, I just felt really singled out. And I know it's not about me, my partner has just lost his mum - I totally get that, however I wanted to be there for him and I wanted him to... need me? I don't know. Pathetic maybe. It was only a few weeks ago I lost my mum's mum and it was awful as we were so close to her, she just dropped of a heart attack, however all I wanted to do was be with my partner who I knew was there for me - not half of the town.

Despite me making loads of food and slaving away in the kitchen for days, women from the community and part of his culture started coming in with dishes and home made bread and whatever and it just made me feel really... self conscious and worthless. As the only one who drives and has a car, they kept asking me to go pick up more of this 'home made' bread from a house on the other side of town. At this point I just cracked... I said I can't take this anymore, this is just too overwhelming and I don't even know who I am anymore, I wasn't even being introduced to all these strangers coming into my house. One of his friends told me that a stranger said 'have you seen his white girlfriend?' I just broke down after hearing this. I was really angry and felt betrayed. I was doing my best trying to obide by their customs and trying my best to make all the food they would expect on an occasion like this but I felt like a piece of dirt.

I since then have had to move back to my mums and things are just so tense and difficult at home with my mum saying 'I told you so' or 'you need to get yourself sorted' and I just can't pick myself up. I'm hardly eating and having a drink to calm my nerves every evening. I've only heard from my partner once since I left over a week ago... he hasn't called, texted and I just... I just don't know. I tried to speak to him about the situation and how I felt before I left but he wasn't having any of it. I guess he's got his own sh*t to deal with now.

But what do I do now? I feel so worthless...

 

[RTLP]

I’m really sorry to hear that you have so difficult time. Regarding your boyfriend would like to emphasize that the same way you respect his culture he has also to respect yours. Keep in mind that he is a guest in this country (Myself I’m from another country and have to obey the rules here and not the other way around). Would suggest to “man up” and start a new life. What happen with your boyfriend will happen again and again.

 

[SarahEmm]

Am I being insensitive, though? Surely he'll be struggling.. and I in my mind and being extremely selfish

 

[lilbit]

Hi Sarah, I really feel for you after reading through your story. I don't think you're being insensitive: you did absolutely everything you could to support your partner, even things that you're not used to having expected of you.
It is an undoubtedly difficult time. The first significant event you're dealing with as a couple and during tense circumstances (lockdown). But you did mention that he hasn't seen his mother for years. Was he close to her? Of course it's devastating to lose a family member but if he wasn't really in contact with her, is he upset or emotional? Either way, it's no excuse to treat you badly. And by badly I mean expecting you to put up and shut up while 10s of people you've never met invade the home you share, especially while the country is in the middle of a health crisis. If he has the time and volition to entertain these people then there's no excuse for him ignoring you or your feelings about it.
I do think though that you really need to have a conversation together about it. Both sides need to be heard before you can decide how you move on.

hope that helps a little

 

[Nukelavee]

Am I being insensitive, though? Surely he'll be struggling.. and I in my mind and being extremely selfish

I don't think you are.

I dunno. I feel like those around him used his mother's death as an excuse to have a party, like it was a loophole in the isolation rules.

lilbit said it more better.

I think you did what you could to accommodate him and his friends, but he really needs to acknowledge he let things go too far.

 

[Zackthemaniac]

Sarah. I understand this was very overwhelming for you and I agree its hard when you feel like an outsider in a different culture. From what I read it sounds like it was all these other people who were making you feel bad, not him. Yes he should of stood up for you, but he is also deep in morning for his mother and might not even be registering whats going on. You've said that this isnt characteristic of your marriage and its these circumstances that have created the tension. I think hes still the man you love at heart and you need to have serious conversation with him( if he wont answer text then go face to face) and give him a chance and see where you stand. If he cant respect your side then you might need to take further action, but in these circumstances I wouldn't rush to judgement or action.

Just my two cents. Wish you best of luck.