My personal experience with psychosis

L

llamacobain

Member
Joined
Oct 23, 2018
Messages
6
Location
England
#1
Ive struggled with psychosis for about 4 years now. I have delusional disorder. My case, is that I believe I belong to a higher level, almost like something or someone else is calling out to me. For some reason, these callings and messages happen through coincidences. So if I say something at the same time as a friend of mine, in my head its instantly registered as a message from the thing. Its almost like a guardian angel but its like me being on Earth is not my destiny which is why this thing is calling out to me. I 100% believe this.

My symptoms include:
Olfactory hallucinations (scents that aren't there. in my case its almost like cigarettes)
Auditory hallucinations (not voices but I hear like sirens in rooms where there aren't any like in class)
Severe confusion
Severe paranoia
Severe anxiety over it all
Some symptoms I can't really put into words except its generally just not being able to tell whats real and what isn't

Sometimes my psychosis brings me happiness but I knew as soon as I opened up and talked about it, the thing would turn against me and it did. It changed from extreme euphoria to extreme paranoia. I was happy knowing that I belonged to a higher place but now im paranoid that they don't like that ive opened up.
I'm currently waiting to receive anti psychotics. Some days I don't want the delusions to stop (only when it brings me joy) and other days it feels like I'm genuinely losing my mind.
Does anyone else relate/have a similar experience?? I feel like psychosis really goes untalked about despite its all-consuming effects. Even mild psychosis can COMPLETELY ruin a life.
Please share below if you wanna discuss it or even share your experience :)
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#2
Hello! ... I completely understand what are you talking about and I would like to at least share my experience with you and if it will help you I will be very happy. First of all, It has been like 4 years that I lived with voices and images... Images i call some kinda of images or videos that i can see in front of me... In my eyes... But not the real life! For example im in a parc looking at a tree and thinking about something and suddenly I see a church, a monster and that monster hitting a black dog... Thats what i call images... And voices... External thoughts... I'm not hearing them because it doesnt have volume ( i've listened something just once)... Their manifestation in my mind is similar to my thoughts... But them arent my thoughts... For example im thinking: i have to do something.... I have to get it... And the voice: youre crazy... Or... I love her! The voice: No, you dont.... Etc...

And.... When i first met this changes in my mind... Being a person that highly believes in GOD.... I started to believe in this thoughts.. I started to understand them... To make that they were telling me... Etc... Of course it wasnt from the first week... But it happened... I thought angels were speaking with me.. Because they wanna help me... At that time i was completely alone... With a lot of stress... A lot of problems and without idea what I have to do... And the voices appeared...

A fact: after 8 months of the first voice... I lost my consciousness... I remplaced it by the voices orders... And arrived a moment when i got lost definetly... It was a lie! That they told me! But I believed! I thought I was speaking with angels... But... They were deamons.... Thats why after 8 months after the first voice the parents took me to the hospital... Not because they knew i had voices.. They didnt know it... ( just my girlfriend knew about it) they took me to the hospital because i was about to hurt myself... And my father stopped me... I was about to hurt myself in front of my girlfriend, my mother and my father.... Its not because i wanted to do it.. Its because i had very and very hard mental problems/illness... And i was doing literraly what the voices were telling me... Its not very easy to understand my story... I will explain you all if you'll need it... Because... It can destroy your life...

Ive recently told to one of my best friends this... (after more than 3 years of silence) and while i was telling him this... He remembered that he had a friend... That killed himself many years ago... He had a good job, wife... ( i dont remember if he had kids) and once he was sent to a centre because he intoxicated himself with sleeping pills... The doctors saved him... But after some time... He killed himself... :(( ... That man consumed drugs... I consumed them too... Anyone knew what happened with him... But my friend told me that he was very weird at that time... Speaking without meaning, behaving unusual... And anyone couldnt understand thats happening with him... Of course i cant be 100% sure but me and my friend agreed that he had the same problem is i had...

So... Thats the begining... Let me know if you would like to know the whole story.. If it will help you i will be glad if you will have the opportunity to speak about this topic and to prevent others from doing stupidities... Because its a very strong problem in the world... A lot of people are ill ( bipolar disorder ( one of the manifestations of this illness) )

God bless you!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#3
Please... Im begging you... Dont believe them 100%... I have experience in this topic... Let me to share with you with that happened and youll see that its not so easy... Im not telling that that thing in our minds is not real.. (like my doctor tells me)... Im telling you that it can be or an angel... Or a deamon... I thought an angel was speaking with me... I believed it 100%... And it could end very and very bad... If it tells you that your place is not on the earth... Its not very reliable... Its very unreliable...
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#4
My name is Pavel. I live in Spain. But i was born in Republic of Moldova. I live 11 years in Spain. Sorry for not writting you earlier. Today i entered the first time this website and found your story! I hope ill help you!

Music? Why not? Music and me are two insepparable things... ;) My favourite style is RAP... True RAP. Like the correct one! I also have my own lyrics that i would like to launch after I improve my flow... :) I love music!
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#5
Why are you saying that being on Earth is not your destiny?
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#6
And.... When i first met this changes in my mind... Being a person that highly believes in GOD.... I started to believe in this thoughts.. I started to understand them... To make that they were telling me... Etc... Of course it wasnt from the first week... But it happened... I thought angels were speaking with me.. Because they wanna help me... At that time i was completely alone... With a lot of stress... A lot of problems and without idea what I have to do... And the voices appeared...
 
G

Goofball

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
10
#7
You need to ask yourself why do you have self-direction and scrutiny as a human being, because you have those things. Those two things allowed me to keep myself on the level even when I had delusional thoughts like having a device in my head and being in a reality show. Thoughts that came from being too gullible to the voices. If it's really god or angels they don't want to ruin your life but help you find meaning. If it was really them they would say things like "go help that old lady across the street" and "save that animal from the rescue center". They would tell you to do things that make the world a better place and encourage you to develop as a human being instead of empty self-gratification.

That why I'd not be happy about receiving the kind of voices you do. We are here to love and to make the world a better place for everybody, always remember that.

What you should do if you ask me, is try to find happiness from loving OTHERS and doing good for them, and not let the voices be your only source of happiness. They could be a good supplement but they can't replace a real thing.

If they ever turn against you, which in my opinion they might be already doing, take comfort knowing that you can learn to live with whatever they say. I say this because I experienced pretty much as bad voices as you can get and survived. I'm even going off meds since I can handle them now. Learn their true meaning between the lines. For me it was psychological, about survival.

Get off meds once you figure out the voices and can live a fulfilling life without them. As fulfilling as possible with the side-effects like loss of emotions. I don't have experience with pleasant voices, but the bad voices can go away for a while if you change location, like go to a little trip or to stay a night at friend's or at parents. Or just go outside the house. And finding solid reasons to disbelieve them can make them go away too, or change.
 
L

llamacobain

Member
Joined
Oct 23, 2018
Messages
6
Location
England
#8
Maladoi94 , (still not sure how to use this damn thing and not sure if youll receive this reply) thank you so much for sharing your experience with it and sympathising with my own personal experience with psychosis. I definitely understand what you mean, I see things infront of me and hear intrusive voices. However, in my case, they are extremely random and do not make sense. I can hear them, in the back of my head but it feels real.
Im so glad you opened up and id like to hear the whole story. Psychosis is a very consuming condition. At the moment it is not too bad.
In regards to your question, I believe I belong somewhere else because of my delusions. Ive never fully explained what I believe in, but my hallucinations and anxiety push my beliefs further. Do you have any other beliefs that relate to psychosis?? And im new to this aswell! I think your mindset (like the voices you hear that contradict what you think) are caused by extreme stress and being stuck in your mind especially considering your loneliness.
Id love to talk further about this. Please explain fully, im very interested. Im trying my best to detach myself from my beliefs but im as confident in them as I am that I have hands on my arms. Its solid in my mind. And yes! The angel and demon thing. I understand its dangerous. I have considered what you are hinting at (leaving the world) and it scares me how close I got to it. Its hard to explain that youre not suicidal, but you need to die. Its your purpose. Thats why its hard.
Thank you so much again for explaining this its nice to meet you :)
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#9
Hello my first ever contacted like a very close soul that is having the same fight in this cruel world! Cruel... Yes... But... Unimaginable gorgeous!

Im happy you have answered me! Ill explain you all so you could understand what is hidding in the ocean...

But first of all... Believe me... There is no need to have an aggressive policy against your liberty, happiness, life! Promise me and to yourself that from this moment youre gonna change the direction of your thoughts towards a great life, full of passions and dreams, help towards others... Love... Happiness....

Im completely sure that you deserve this... Because the voices doesnt appear to any person... Maybe that person doesnt even know but if he has voices it means that his spirit is quite more than just the idea of a spirit that a normal person has.
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#10
I think that after all that you told me... The voices in your head are your enemies... Im not telling you that the whole voices concept is harmful... Im telling you that there can be just 2 forces in this life. Dark or White! If you during this 4 years would had white voices... Believe me... You wouldnt have the need to antipsicosis pills, stress or any problem...
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#11
Ok So I hope you have prepared your favourite tea... Because we are starting with my whole story! Its kinda a movie... But anything artistic.. All based on my true story!
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#12
It was January 2013, I was 18 years old... I was my first year at the economic university... In that winter i have met one of my best friends.... We met to talk about business... He is a businessman... He has his IT company. He was living in Moldova but me in Spain... And we met to discuss a possible business that we could do in Spain. The idea was that i had to find work in spain like for example any company that needs a website, an app, kinda webpromotion, technical support of its IT system, IP TV, IP Phone, etc... Whatever... And he told me that i have to find this orders, he will do the job and the money we will share between us. I agreed!

In February 2013 i came back to spain and started the job... ( and continuing with the university too)

My first contract came like after one month... 80€/month from a hotel... They wanted promotion in russians social networks... I didnt had to do absolutely anything... My friend did it all and after every month he gave me 40€...

And... It was like in March... And untill November 2013 I didnt make any other contract... I remember very well that summer... I was really and really dissapointed... At that summer i started to go allone in the mountains... Like for disconnecting from that... Of course in terms of time i had just started the business... With no idea, with no experience etc... But I couldnt understand at that time because i was too young... And i was very nervous literally at every phone call or meeting.... And that summer i made phones every day... And without results... In August i started to go to the mountains because I couldnt believe that....

In September 2013 I met Patricia. I fall in love...

But she refused to be with me... And in october she had to come back to Moldova because she was just working during the summer in Spain.... At the begginings of october Patricia went to moldova without leaving me a signal that we could be together... And business wasnt working at that time too...

I was a bit confused and sad... And at my birthday... 18th of October it was the first time in my life that I consumed marijuana.
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#13
In November 2013 I made my segond contract: 310€/month. From another hotel.. A website...

In January 2014 I went to Moldova.... I decided to fight for Patricia... And it worked! ;)

When I came back in February 2014 I dropped out from the university... Continued with the business and had even another client but it didnt pay us because we like started to develop first IT project for the hotels from the area... My business partner developed a lot of projects but for me it was for the first time! ( with that both contracts with 80€ and 310€ we worked like 4 months with every one ) in february 2014 i told myself... Ok... Im not very good with orders... I think with projects it will go better.... And in February we launched our first project and made a contract with a hotel chain!.... My business partner came to Spain... We opened a company.... And.... And.... What happened that days completely was the moment when you started flying with the plane and you just know that you dont have way back. ... Patricia was in Moldova but she wanted to come back to spain in May... Weve launched our first project... My business partner (His name is Nicolae) opened a company and told me that i have to develop this project and if it will work well he will move to spain... And... At that time i was a strong consumer of Marijuana.... It was like March 2014.
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#14
In march 2014... During a walk with Nicolae... Happened that moment when i didnt even notice how i enterred this plane.... A Business Idea came in!!!

Nicolae went back to moldova and in April 2014...... Was that moment when it all started!!! I was smoking everyday like 7 joints.... Reading listening the music.... Just in the parcs... With the hope that Patricia will come soon.... With one launched project and with the second Project! That was just an idea! But for me it was so fantasticly gorgeous, perfect that i couldnt stop thinking.....
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#15
^^ Game Story ^^ - this is the brand... From april 2014 i started to search the money needed to launch this project...
 
Maladoi94

Maladoi94

Active member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
36
#16
Ok. Im making a small pause... And ill go on! I hope you are enjoying what im telling.. Me yes.. Its an unimaginable sensation... While im telling you this im like watching my past... I see what happened ... I know what thoughts i had in that period... And now im just learning the life... Developing my body, soul, my conscience... Its a great job... Quote: deep inside i feel rich like Steve Jobs... (Steve Jobs has inspired me a lot)
 
L

llamacobain

Member
Joined
Oct 23, 2018
Messages
6
Location
England
#18
Hi there! Wow thats a lot to take in. These memories seem very vivid to you, yeah? Did this affect your mental health? You seemed to have had an amazing life back then. Has it changed? Im so sorry for not replying, I don't check on here often. Its really lovely to read your story and very refreshing too.