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My personal emotions?

S

SigmaEffectual

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Dec 4, 2014
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3
Hi,
I recovered from a state of psychosis a few years ago. I do not remember much of the time, however, I wanted to know if a mixture of that and my past has altered my persona and way of thinking, in your opinions.

Growing up I was bullied a lot, and it grew from small pranks and name calling to being beaten up by more than 1 person, and death threats. My grandfather died in front of me when I was 6, which scarred me, and influenced my deep anger growing up. I used to act in outbursts, and rage. I didn't really have friends, and I didn't grow up with my brother. I found solace in books, comics, and studying (although I wasn't a good student). I went to some anger management classes in late middle school.

I believe that I recovered a bit from my past, and I've accepted my grandfather's death, because I know for a fact that he was happy.
However, a mixture of the two, I believe caused me to have really deep, flat emotions. I only feel like I feel 4 emotions,
my focused self, my 'emotionless' self (when I'm not really thinking about or doing anything), my happy self, and an emotion which is the state of concern, a very blank dark self. The kind where I want to watch the world burn and burn with it, the kind where I feel like I can explode, but I never do, the kind where I am so disconnected with myself that I hold conversations in my head without realizing I am not talking.

My thoughts consist of the same things typically. I am still a comic book nerd, so there's that. I also have a deep desire for all the knowledge I can get. I go out of my way to learn things everyday. I like religion, always have, I invite in the local missionaries, and make them coffee or tea I like to hear about beliefs. I've liked occult religions, hermetical religions, and I usually compare the laws of the Kyablion and ASM failure analysis in my everyday life. I constantly think and am precise and analytical in my work. However, when I disconnect from myself, I am no longer this person that I've grown to love, I am the angry child I was before, but I never show the emotion. I've never gone on a rampage, and this has never lasted more than a few hours.

So I'm just wondering, what your opinions are on emotions and past experiences in general, and if you can conclude anything about my particular case.
Thanks,
Richard
 
M

my-straightjacket-please

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Aug 13, 2013
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im gone take care email if you want its in my prof
i cant help

adhd and ptsd i feel blank empty

i get angry but dont feel till it hits

what i feel is instant and most of the time i dont understand and makes me mad

my wife and counselor did something i cry now off and on

i enrages me i dont understand and so confused as to what caused it

it not bad i kinda like it crap dont hit me or when i was dating i was a mean bastard just dropped them before they could drop me

only one love i wish i knew my wife of 12 years never felt like i do for or with her

but sad to say if gone would it break me hard to say

years ago she had ovarian cancer scare turned out to be a cyst scared me good hurt but no real emotion from it

i held my grandfathers hand in the hospital and watch him slip away strange not even a twitch inside

only thing that makes me feel human is i hate being forced to be a hermit in life

like my counselor says radical acceptance for what we cant change

well im not good at that like here i like to complain sarcasm whine just because we know its our permanent road to walk in life

and try our best to accept it dont mean we have to go quietly i prefer kicking screaming and cussing than taking it

you know 80 percent of plane crashes are fatal? me im dancein in the isle jammin to acdc highway to hell

hell yea baby i refuse to go quietly

when im dead i want my bunghole stuffed with explosives shot in the air then hit the button i went out with a big bang they will be finding me for years

"If life is no fun, it is because you are no fun. Your life is always a reflection of who you are... Try this: Stop taking things, including yourself, so seriously. Life is not as complicated as you have made it out to be."
-- Larry Winget

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
~Carl Gustav Jung

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

“Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Ian Wallace

“fitting in is for losers. said the friend to the other friend, and the other friend said yeah and that's why prison is so crowded.”
― David J Martinez

I'd rather die weird and remembered over original and forgotten.
Nikki Bailey

What we do for ourselves dies with us -- what we do for others remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.
Kurt Cobain
 
S

SigmaEffectual

New member
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Dec 4, 2014
Messages
3
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry that you've had several scares and tragedies in your life, and thank you for serving.

Perhaps, you're right, and it is best for guys like us to be somewhat empty, and disconnected. Maybe we're supposed to be this way, because we have had experiences relating to our emotions that brought us away from them. I think that being without emotion is not a bad thing, you can't experience peril the way others can. You can only wonder why you're not feeling it. Could it be that we've outgrown our feelings and we've gone on to experience things without feeling? There's nothing we can do to change the past, but we can shelter ourselves from it happening again. The greatest scientists, musicians, engineers, whatever all were completely wrapped up in what they wanted to do that they didn't do any basic human functions for months to years. I'm thinking it may be the same case with us, but we're so wrapped up in trying to figure things out, that we don't stop to see how they make us feel, and we don't want to.
 
M

my-straightjacket-please

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Aug 13, 2013
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im gone take care email if you want its in my prof
thanks i served next to the police not war

sometimes thats as bad the monsters men are and capable of doing and becoming

to many accident scenes cop funerals holding dying kids all that it stains decays destroys

shut it out before it burns you out and if you read most adhd cases have emotion problems im a severe case of adhd

i had relatives die i dont remember much emotion most of the life that i can and choose to remember

i refuse to let what i have seen and am missing turn me like the people now who drive by people bleeding to death on the road o ill call 911 as i wave driving by

no i dont care about what ive seen and been through i will always help and give others like my job there's no though to sacrificing myself so another may survive or to protect

i have humanity and compassion and thats enough for me people want to hate and judge me so be it i will still give it all my life all i own my all even to the asshole who just beat or shot me

fun of no emotions i dont really know how to hate or hold grudges

plus my meds and disorders have tried to kill me to many times to count life is value every sec is to important for anger and hate for judgeing

i live my secs of life to please me to fill with as much fun as i can i dont fear even though i should offending others its to short my fun is my fun stuff it if you dont like it

death scares us but death teaches us the value of life the value of everyone's right to live and live how they want

one of many songs about life i like

What would you do if it all ended tomorrow?
Time runnin' out, ain't no more you can borrow
So many paths, which one you gonna follow?
What would you do if it all ended tomorrow?

warning cussin in next lyrics sue me its the song

I realize life is short so I'm markin' the day
Now it's full speed ahead, I'll rest when I'm dead
And I could give a fuck what the next man said
I live how I wanna live, buy what I wanna buy
Do what I wanna do, try what I wanna try
Fear nothin', take chances
Not afraid to fail, always makin' advances
So when I ride on the grim reaper highway
No regrets bitch, I did it my way, yeah

we come to terms and accept what were missing i have and find ways around and new ways to see things and see the benefits of the gifts our disorders give us
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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I believe that I recovered a bit from my past, and I've accepted my grandfather's death, because I know for a fact that he was happy.
SigmaEffectual said:
However, when I disconnect from myself, I am no longer this person that I've grown to love, I am the angry child I was before, but I never show the emotion. I've never gone on a rampage, and this has never lasted more than a few hours.
Hi Richard, welcome to the forum.

I think it's so important to listen to and give space and expression to our emotions. Imo, feelings that get suppressed and buried cause us problems and come out in other ways. It struck me that you say that at times you are still the angry child, and I think our inner child desperately wants to be heard and receive comfort and help. Even acceptance that something sad/bad has happened to us, doesn't mean we don't still have feelings about it that need more listening to. I wonder if this article Healing the inner child in Thich That Hahn's words that was posted here the other day (thread link) strikes a chord with you at all?

I've found it very helpful to talk about past experiences and emotions in therapy, I think it can take a long time after a traumatic event/ongoing situation for what you feel/felt about it to become clearer.
 
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