My Partner's Anxiety..

mikepw78

mikepw78

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Wirral, United Kingdom.
#1
Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum and looks like the perfect place to get some good advice.
It may be long winded but please bear with me.
I am a 40 year old male living on the Wirral in the UK, I have been married but that ended 7 years ago due to my wife having an affair. In the time we were married we had 3 kids together and all are doing exceptionally well in school.. I believe part of that is down to the fact I didn't stay bitter and twisted towards their mum and regularly stay in touch to talk about our kids and their schooling and I have them 3 days a week after school as well. Everybody in my life and my ex wife's life knows that's all there is to it apart from one person, that being my current partner (Who I have 2 young babies with). She says that she suffers from anxiety although from what I can gather has never been to a professional to get this verified. I'm not actually debating she has or has not because she has anxiety tendencies, the worst one being my ex wife. She has this irrational fear that despite us living together with her other kids and our babies and me telling her everyday I love her, that me and the ex are going to rekindle our relationship, this will never happen. Ever..

My son from my ex wife got rushed into hospital recently with a serious burst, infected appendix, I like any normal concerned father rushed to the hospital to be there before they took him for surgery. Hospital would only allow one parent down with him, so I kissed him on the head and let his mother go down to theatre recovery to wait for him. I was worried sick. While waiting I opened up my phone to be confronted with vile texts from my current partner saying all these things about me and my wife being together alone and how we must be loving it, she also blocked me on Facebook. Not once did I get asked if liam (My son) was ok. I didnt stay over at the hospital all night but my ex did. I left at 10.30pm at night and returned home to be met with all kinds of accusations and made to feel guilty about going to see him.

This week was my partner's and my babies 1st Birthday, it fell on a day when I had my other kids who were all mega excited to be seeing their little bro on his birthday, so much so my 13 year old daughter used her own cash from Christmas and her birthday to buy cards and presents for him.
They come round handed over the presents and spent the evening celebrating his 1st Birthday. I could tell that something was bugging or nagging my current partner so I asked what was up to be met with the reply "nothing" so I left it and carried on with the day. When the kids left and all was quiet she seemed relaxed so didn't think anymore about her being short with me.
At bed time she went up first and I was left downstairs to make a cuppa. Before going up I was reading through his birthday cards and noticed the ones from my other 3 had vanished.
I looked down the side of the couch and found the presents tossed down there but no cards. So I then looked in the bin with the wrapping paper and there they where all screwed up. It made me feel sick and really sad..I confronted her and she didn't care, she thought my ex wife had bought them and had no interest in anything she bought being here. I showed her texts of my daughter which proved that she had bought them with her own cash.

Still no apology in fact the opposite she wants an apology of me for not telling her who had bought them, because "I know what she's like" and I caused all this by not saying to her where the presents had come from.
This was 3 nights ago and we have hardly spoken and I'm sleeping in the spare room. I don't feel like I need to be sorry.
I understand she has jealousy/anxiety problems but it's the nastiness and things she says and does that is actually starting to have an effect on me mentally.
I love her and love my babies. So the point/questions I have are.
What should I do?
Does anxiety make you do and say, not just horrible but disgusting things?
I don't need to apologise do I?
Am I actually in the wrong? Because I am driving myself crazy with trying to understand and be happy.
She text me out the blue in work today telling me I could of prevented this by being honest.
My kids are my priority and always will be but if I'm being honest, I feel enough is enough with my current partner because I don't think I will ever be sorry for what she did with those cards.
Please help and thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Mike.
 
M

MissAnxietyUK

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
England
#2
This is a hard one to start off with going from your post I wouldn’t say you was in the wrong. Keeping a healthy relationship with the mother (the ex wife) of your kids is very important and I respect that coming from a broken family myself. I believe your doing the right thing!

In terms of your current partner I would imdiantly put it to jealousy but then I remember what I was like when I had anxiety. Of corse I don’t know what her anxiety is like or if she even has it I can only base it on what I was like. I felt so lonely and trapped in my own head I would get bitter thoughts and take it out on my love ones. In my case it was my mum and her boyfriend, me thinking she cared more for him than me. Looking back now that iv had the help I needed I can see my mum was there for me and cared for me but in that state of mind I could only see negativity.

My advise to you would be to sit down and talk to her about her anxiety if you see it is a problem encourage her to see a doctor and remind her your with her every step of the way. Try to remember she might not be in the right head space hopefully with some help she can look on the possitives. Of corse you have to look after yourself too if your unhappy with the way things are going and can’t find happiness yourself within a relationship then I would suggest moving on just remember you will always have your kids and the friendship with your ex wife

Wish you the very best x
 
mikepw78

mikepw78

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Wirral, United Kingdom.
#3
This is a hard one to start off with going from your post I wouldn’t say you was in the wrong. Keeping a healthy relationship with the mother (the ex wife) of your kids is very important and I respect that coming from a broken family myself. I believe your doing the right thing!

In terms of your current partner I would imdiantly put it to jealousy but then I remember what I was like when I had anxiety. Of corse I don’t know what her anxiety is like or if she even has it I can only base it on what I was like. I felt so lonely and trapped in my own head I would get bitter thoughts and take it out on my love ones. In my case it was my mum and her boyfriend, me thinking she cared more for him than me. Looking back now that iv had the help I needed I can see my mum was there for me and cared for me but in that state of mind I could only see negativity.

My advise to you would be to sit down and talk to her about her anxiety if you see it is a problem encourage her to see a doctor and remind her your with her every step of the way. Try to remember she might not be in the right head space hopefully with some help she can look on the possitives. Of corse you have to look after yourself too if your unhappy with the way things are going and can’t find happiness yourself within a relationship then I would suggest moving on just remember you will always have your kids and the friendship with your ex wife

Wish you the very best x
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Its so hard. I try to understand, I really do but the utter grief I get unfairly by trying to do the right thing is unbearable. I hate the feeling of not being with my babies if I leave although I know I would see plenty of them. Nothing beats that feeling than my one year old looking so happy whenever I walk into the room. And there's also another failed relationship on my life CV. That's why am in 2 minds. I want to try and make it work but when is enough is enough.
I tried before to ask her to get professional help and ask them if I need to be sorry, because if that was the case then I would but I fail to see why and what reason I have. Because at the end of the day even if my ex had bought the gifts and cards did they need to be launched in the bin.
I don't know.
Thanks again x
 
M

MissAnxietyUK

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
England
#4
I think the fact you’ve come to a mental health forum proves you are trying to understand more and want to make things better. Of corse there’s no guide lines for relationships as there all different but I honestly believe you are trying your best unfortunately some times that’s not enough. I would try to say don’t base this relationship on previous ones but obviously that’s easier said than done

I find it really lovely the way you talk about your kids i feel they bring positivity in your life and whenever you feel down about your relationship just know you’ll always do right by them. take time to enjoy yourself and think about your mental health maybe a nice day out with the kids and your current girlfriend would be nice and refreshing.

Overall communication is key maybe it’s just about finding the right time

Hope this helps :)
 
Crys

Crys

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
#5
Mike, I don't think you or your current partner have done anything wrong, neither has your ex.

I think your current partner might have some post-natal anxiety issues going on there. Women don't feel their best after giving birth and this can present itself for months and years afterwards, if not dealt with. This might be where the obsession with your ex is coming from. It's good you're friendly with your ex, for the sake of you children, but your current partner, if suffering from any sort of anxiety or post-natal feelings, will not see it the same way.

Treat her to a special day, make her feel like number one. Can anyone take the babies for the night and leave you two for a night together? Cook for her (buy a takeaway) and make her feel like the number one person in your life. It's hard, but nothing is simple and it might just open up a way for you to talk and ask her to see the GP from which there could be a huge gateway to moving this on and for the better.
 
mikepw78

mikepw78

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Wirral, United Kingdom.
#6
I think the fact you’ve come to a mental health forum proves you are trying to understand more and want to make things better. Of corse there’s no guide lines for relationships as there all different but I honestly believe you are trying your best unfortunately some times that’s not enough. I would try to say don’t base this relationship on previous ones but obviously that’s easier said than done

I find it really lovely the way you talk about your kids i feel they bring positivity in your life and whenever you feel down about your relationship just know you’ll always do right by them. take time to enjoy yourself and think about your mental health maybe a nice day out with the kids and your current girlfriend would be nice and refreshing.

Overall communication is key maybe it’s just about finding the right time

Hope this helps :)
Thank you. My kids mean the world to me it's not fair on anyone with the situation as it currently is.
 
mikepw78

mikepw78

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Wirral, United Kingdom.
#7
Mike, I don't think you or your current partner have done anything wrong, neither has your ex.

I think your current partner might have some post-natal anxiety issues going on there. Women don't feel their best after giving birth and this can present itself for months and years afterwards, if not dealt with. This might be where the obsession with your ex is coming from. It's good you're friendly with your ex, for the sake of you children, but your current partner, if suffering from any sort of anxiety or post-natal feelings, will not see it the same way.

Treat her to a special day, make her feel like number one. Can anyone take the babies for the night and leave your two for a night together? Cook for her (buy a takeaway) and make her feel like the number one person in your life. It's hard, but nothing is simple and it might just open up a way for you to talk and ask her to see the GP from which there could be a huge gateway to moving this on and for the better.
See that is it. I believe that tossing cards bought by my daughter for her brother with her own money is doing something wrong. And if that's not the case then I am wrong. I have a constant headache trying to make sense of it.
I 100% agree that we need a night out or even a lunch date. But she doesn't want to leave the babies with anyone at all. Our little boy seems to hate being left with anyone else apart from us 2, so when we have to leave them even for half hour my partner constantly worries about them and how much they will be missing us. It is tough having 2 really young babies it's hard work.. I would hate to leave her to it on her own because I honestly don't think she would cope.
 
Crys

Crys

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
#8
See that is it. I believe that tossing cards bought by my daughter for her brother with her own money is doing something wrong. And if that's not the case then I am wrong. I have a constant headache trying to make sense of it.
I 100% agree that we need a night out or even a lunch date. But she doesn't want to leave the babies with anyone at all. Our little boy seems to hate being left with anyone else apart from us 2, so when we have to leave them even for half hour my partner constantly worries about them and how much they will be missing us. It is tough having 2 really young babies it's hard work.. I would hate to leave her to it on her own because I honestly don't think she would cope.
Without being harsh, your wee boy will have to adapt to this. Separation anxiety from your son, but also for your partner because she knows her babies need her. She knows you need her, and she can't cope. The cards in the bin are awful, but it's not indicitive of the person she is. She's scared, she needs help. So do you though, you shouldn't be going through this on your own, look for local groups that can help. There are charities who can help. And don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help.
 
mikepw78

mikepw78

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Wirral, United Kingdom.
#9
Without being harsh, your wee boy will have to adapt to this. Separation anxiety from your son, but also for your partner because she knows her babies need her. She knows you need her, and she can't cope. The cards in the bin are awful, but it's not indicitive of the person she is. She's scared, she needs help. So do you though, you shouldn't be going through this on your own, look for local groups that can help. There are charities who can help. And don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help.
I agree wholeheartedly about the baby needing to get used to being round other people. But it's his grandparents from either my side or her side who would take them without a problem. But it's like she doesn't want to give the impression to the outside world that she's not coping, so that makes reaching out even more difficult. Will look into the available charities to see what help there is out there.

Thanks for your advice 🙂
 
Crys

Crys

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2019
Messages
9
Location
United Kingdom
#10
I agree wholeheartedly about the baby needing to get used to being round other people. But it's his grandparents from either my side or her side who would take them without a problem. But it's like she doesn't want to give the impression to the outside world that she's not coping, so that makes reaching out even more difficult. Will look into the available charities to see what help there is out there.

Thanks for your advice 🙂
She's scared. Maybe have the grandparents with her in a room and all look after the baby. Have some fun. There is no right way of dealing with this. You'll get there :)
And when it's hard, ask for help. Always. Because it will always be there for you :)
 
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