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My partner lied about his past love life

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Reyna

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Romania
Hello everyone! My partner told me for 2 years that he had a love life and sexual experience before me and he told me details about it. I was very jealous for long time about that but recently he confessed that all was a made up story which he said because he thought that's how he will impress me and feel more like a man. So in fact, he state he was a 30 year-old virgin when we met. Now my mind is very very tortured by that because I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm not sure who I am with after all, the guy with a past or without. I'm not mad at him even, I forgave him, people have weaknesses and do mistakes, but I'm upset that I can't trust him anymore. To be honest, I wish the first version would be the true one, for me, having someone who experience romantic /sexual things only with me it's very important, but I'm thinking a lot that he may have said it was a lie only to make me feel better. But the story he said, had some believable details, he told me the city his girlfriend was from, and the fights they had together, why they broke up, he said she cheated on him, and how happened some of the times they had sex, and also he said that he tried with 2.5 or 3.5 (he's not sure how many even) more girls but that wasn't so serious. I'm also trying to look for signs that show if really it was a lie, and I can say that when we first had sex he was very nervous and even couldn't do the first try, and he doesn't have the knowledge of how to behave in a relationship and with a woman but that is not enough to be convinced.
I'm also into therapy especially for this issue.
I don't know what to do. Did any of you have this kind of experience with someone?
 
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RockyMountainsGirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 1, 2021
Messages
190
Location
Alberta, Canada
It's good to know you are seeing a therapist who can support you. I hope you receive the support and resiliency you deserve and that you will feel happier and more confident thanks to the therapy.

I wonder if your boyfriend would be willing to visit a therapist with you? Through couples therapy, perhaps with a therapist you both are willing to see, you may get some of your questions answered. You may learn why he really lied and if his lying will continue.

Even he may not know why he lied. The lying could have begun many years ago. But if the therapist asks questions to help your boyfriend learn about himself and become more self-aware, then he may be honest with you about his past. Both of you could learn the reasons behind his behavior. At the very least, you want him to know how hurt you feel by his dishonesty.

He may feel he lied to impressed you or to be accepted by you, but lying is not acceptable behavior.

You've discovered that when someone you love lies to you, it's difficult and perhaps impossible to trust them. It's not only difficult to trust if what they've said in the past is true, you may also find you won't trust their honesty in the future. You may if your boyfriend gets help.

Because you can't predict the future, you don't know whether or not his pattern of lying will end. Lying can be habitual. This doesn't mean your boyfriend can't change. He might change.

Through therapy, you might learn the truth, why he lied, and if he can become an honest person. Will he work in therapy to be honest and to overcome his dishonesty? Those are worth exploring.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I do have some sense of how you feel because my mom lied to me while I was growing up. I experienced distrust, abuse, and neglect as a child, and I am recovering.
 
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Reyna

Member
Joined
Jul 6, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Romania
I am sorry to hear about your childhood experience with your mom, but I'm sure you'll get better. I also had emotional abuse by my narcissistic father and I'm trying to recover too, but my partner's behavior is not helpful for that.
Yes, he agreed to do couple therapy and we already had one session, and we wanna continue. I'm so worried that I'm going crazy or I'll get depressed because I'm constantly torturing myself with the thoughts "it was true, it was not, what should I believe etc.".. It drains my energy.
He also explained a bit to me what he was feeling when he did that. I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust him again anyway. I have some worries that in the future if I can finally let it go, he may change the story again, and that's scary to think about.
Thank you for your advice and opinion, I have some hope with the therapy.
 
Argon

Argon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2019
Messages
723
Location
USA
Set up a dating profile of a 30 year old virgin guy and see how hard it is to get any women interested. Most women view that as a freakshow and a guy like that has something seriously wrong. Of course a guy is going to lie about it.
 

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