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My partner is traumatising me with guilt over our misscarriages and gaslights me whenever I ask why she is blaming me

N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
I don't know what to do. Everytime she is pregnant, if I disagree with her about anything that she is really angry about she says "This isn't good for the baby and my blood pressure is spiking" and its usually because she has said something extremely offensive toward all these different groups that she has imagined grievances with based on propaganda and she's just angry at them and I'm trying to calm her down, then she flips her shit and starts acting like I brought up the subject and keeps inferring that we are going to lose the baby and then accuses me of mentally abusing her because I don't share her anger toward whatever demographic she wants to target that day. She keeps saying I am not respecting her boundaries which seem to change with the fucking wind and yet I'm always the one left feeling violated while trying to get her to let go of all this hate and disgust she has for all these different ideologies.

So her ex husband brought up Antifa a few days ago and she got really angry about that and because I corrected her and said its a movement, not an organised group she basically thinks im advocating for them and that I hate her and think she's racist when all I really think is that she just needs to read a fact checker so she cant stop feeling angry at what is a false narrative that doesn't help her.

I'm getting so tired of this now though. Every time she is pregnant, I feel like she blames me for the miscarriages because I can't seem to stop making her angry or making her anger worse when it isn't caused by me trying to put up a boundary so we don't have to have really horrible conversations about race, gender, sexuality. I am just so damn sick of the generalisations that are thrown out everyday and they seem to just come out of nowhere to the point where I am like "How can someone be angry at so many different people all the time that they don't just explode?"

Btw, other than the miscarriage accusations, this is what she is like outside of pregnancy and I am at my wits end.

I can't be her therapist and I know we are all going through a hard time right now but I am not responsible for my partners emotions and it is not my fault that she is so angry at all these different people. Even before coranavirus hit I've been getting scared to go out with this women because she seems to get into altercations wherever she goes, she was screaming at kids in line at a fast food place, I had to stop her from chasing a women down the street on the way to the ultrasound which I found myself uninvited to because I wanted her to calm down. Then there is the road rage, the other week she sped up when I told her to just breathe and count to ten.

Whenever I bring up the anger problems she usually barrages me with a backlog of uncommunicated issues she has with me which seem to be many when she is angry and few when she is not.

I love her for who she is when she isn't like this but it's tearing me apart and I feel like I'm losing myself in this relationship and that I'd rather die than leave her alone after she has been through so much shit. Runaway father and an extremely abusive mother.

My partner in lucid moments gets extremely guilt ridden and ashamed of all of this behavior and she did used to be worse, we both did really and we have improved a lot as people by being together... I just worry that I can't weather the storm for much longer and I need her to have some kind of anger management breakthrough. We are both PTSD and on the autistic spectrum.

The worst is when she directs that anger at herself, sometimes the things she says about herself would honestly make me hit someone if they had said it about her. It's like I love her but I hate the part of her that hates her.

Sorry for this long rant. I don't know if I even want anyone to weigh in but I needed to get it out.
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,061
Location
England
What you have described sounds such hard work and so draining for you. It does sound like your partner has a lot of anger and this will not help your relationship. You clearly love her very much and want to support her but I feel she needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and seek therapy. I understand you are trying for a baby and the environment you describe is not one to bring a baby into. You may want to have therapy yourself as you have been and are going through such a lot in your relationship. I feel you need support too.
 
Mario82

Mario82

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 4, 2020
Messages
3,658
Location
UK
Sounds like she has a lot of problems mate. But you wanna stand by her no matter what as you say, and that is admirable. I don't have much advice but I hope you feel a bit better for letting it out.
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
1,194
Location
United States
Oh she sounds like me. She could be having memory problems which seem so convenient to you as if she is gaslighting but sometimes when I trauma so hard in anger and someone talks to me as if they are explaining something, I adjust my mind as if the other person is caring and wants to say something then I forget what I was just talking about but I have changed my focus to listen to you, so I don't want to stop you and fight to try to remember because I see that you care about what you are saying, and want to listen to you. Then if you explain something, and are not empathetic but are trying to correct me, the only thing I was holding on to in my mind was that you cared, so it may seem that you no longer care, which is a bit hurtful that you just wanted to find me wrong when I thought you cared and I cared too about you.....and if I can't remember, and worse can't remember that I don't remember, when you reference what I was talking about before, I will think you are lying to prove your point and trying to hurt me. It is even worse if you are someone who I have observed gaslighting when my mind was not so traumatized and I was able to remember. You also seem to do this thing that mental abusers do which is counter with the same.

”She keeps saying I am not respecting her boundaries which seem to change with the fucking wind and yet I'm always the one left feeling violated"
^^ this sounds like counter with the same. 'You feel violated by me? I feel violated by you.'. It gets nauseating and annoying when someone will not admit to the wrong they are doing or will act like you are not experiencing what you say you are experiencing, but the thing you hate is what you are doing to them all of a sudden. It's a form of gaslighting. It could be possible that you feel taken by surprise by her reaction or don't like it and want to surprise her back by saying it is actually happening to you. These things can be causing her A LOT of anger and she may feel like you are caring more about unknown people than your unborn child while she is already agitated to the limit by you and is more willing to displace her anger on these other things that are bothering her. She can also be angry at other things going on in her life that she is not talking about while she displaces anger on the other things that are bothering her...she may have even told you these things before and you could have responded in a way she felt did not reciprocate anything close to her level of care.

It is possible if you are being sincere and she is getting another impression that those are impressions she is getting for whatever reason and that is a strong reality to her...these are delusions. I think you are correct that you cannot be her therapist and I think she needs to see a professional.
 
N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
Oh she sounds like me. She could be having memory problems which seem so convenient to you as if she is gaslighting but sometimes when I trauma so hard in anger and someone talks to me as if they are explaining something, I adjust my mind as if the other person is caring and wants to say something then I forget what I was just talking about but I have changed my focus to listen to you, so I don't want to stop you and fight to try to remember because I see that you care about what you are saying, and want to listen to you. Then if you explain something, and are not empathetic but are trying to correct me, the only thing I was holding on to in my mind was that you cared, so it may seem that you no longer care, which is a bit hurtful that you just wanted to find me wrong when I thought you cared and I cared too about you.....and if I can't remember, and worse can't remember that I don't remember, when you reference what I was talking about before, I will think you are lying to prove your point and trying to hurt me. It is even worse if you are someone who I have observed gaslighting when my mind was not so traumatized and I was able to remember. You also seem to do this thing that mental abusers do which is counter with the same.

”She keeps saying I am not respecting her boundaries which seem to change with the fucking wind and yet I'm always the one left feeling violated"
^^ this sounds like counter with the same. 'You feel violated by me? I feel violated by you.'. It gets nauseating and annoying when someone will not admit to the wrong they are doing or will act like you are not experiencing what you say you are experiencing, but the thing you hate is what you are doing to them all of a sudden. It's a form of gaslighting. It could be possible that you feel taken by surprise by her reaction or don't like it and want to surprise her back by saying it is actually happening to you. These things can be causing her A LOT of anger and she may feel like you are caring more about unknown people than your unborn child while she is already agitated to the limit by you and is more willing to displace her anger on these other things that are bothering her. She can also be angry at other things going on in her life that she is not talking about while she displaces anger on the other things that are bothering her...she may have even told you these things before and you could have responded in a way she felt did not reciprocate anything close to her level of care.

It is possible if you are being sincere and she is getting another impression that those are impressions she is getting for whatever reason and that is a strong reality to her...these are delusions. I think you are correct that you cannot be her therapist and I think she needs to see a professional.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lengthy response. It's good to be able to hear how it might seem to her on the other side of it. Since posting this we have had some talks and have both made up for the percieved wrongs. I think it all boils down to family background. We both had traumatic childhoods where we were treated with contempt by our families and we have both had to live with this feeling like everyone is against us for so long that we can both be guilty of thinking the others intent as negative I guess?

Relationships are hard work for sure, however I think what me and my partner have going for us is that we communicate a lot and these arguments are really rare. We are so good together most of the time but when we do argue it seems to get so out of hand. When we both calm down the makeups are always pretty smooth and soothing.
 
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