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My partner doesn't understand nor help.

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bonnibell

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Me and my partner have been "a thing" for more than a year. They know everything about my extreme separation anxiety, PTSD and my mental health overall. I have been suffering from BPD and PTSD most of my life, but it has never affected me as much as it does with my partner. You see, this is my first time getting so severely attached to anyone. Now, I'm currently having a slight panic attack as because my partner is hanging out with a person of the other gender. Now, this is usually not a big problem for me but my partner becomes really disrespectful and non-caring when being with this person. My partner and I have discussed this matter where they usually blame it on me. Saying stuff like "you're controlling", "you make me feel like shit"...etc. I ALWAYS tell them that I'm alright with them being with others as long as they can assure me that everything is fine. I have explained for hours what they can do to reassure me like: message me telling me when they will be home, that they're alright. Say that they love me...It's quite easy.

They can get really mean sometimes and tell me how worthless I am and that they will leave me any second. They know that this is my biggest insecurity and that I have a strong attachment to them. I have panic attacks more than 4 days/week which consists of shaking, suicidal thoughts, dissociation and extreme headaches. They leave, in the middle of the night hanging with the same person when they know how extremely anxious I get. I only have a problem with their friendship because of how my partner acts when being with this person.

At the end of the day, I am the one to apologise because I'm scared that they will leave. I'm scared they will get angry. While I'm crying my ass off, they mock me or hang up. Which they know is the worst possible thing.

There's so much to tell you all about, our situation is really complicated but I'm exhausted. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm in the wrong? If they are? I have a therapist but she has a very busy schedule because of the coronavirus which leads me to not being able to talk to anyone about my struggles for more than 2 weeks.
 
hicks

hicks

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I think you are in a bit of a toxic relationship there. Your partner does not seem to understand you properly, or does not care. Either way I don't think this person is the right choice of partner for you.

And welcome to the forum.
 
B

Blue Opal

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I agree with hicks. This person is no good for you. You've communicated how he can help you and those are, like you said yourself, easy things to do but he apparently refuses to. Leaving you or hanging up on you when you're in crisis is very inconsiderate. I'm sorry to say, but you (anyone!) deserve better.
 
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Nukelavee

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On teh one hand, yes, your partner is being toxic.

At teh same time - you shouldn't expect that people are going to do teh extra stuff you need to feel secure. I feel like our goal should be to learn to be OK with teh same consideration anybody else should receive, not to find people will to coddle and indulge our issues.

Learn to handle being alone, or people not being with you, without expecting them to always keep you informed about what they are doing, or where.
 
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bonnibell

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I agree with hicks. This person is no good for you. You've communicated how he can help you and those are, like you said yourself, easy things to do but he apparently refuses to. Leaving you or hanging up on you when you're in crisis is very inconsiderate. I'm sorry to say, but you (anyone!) deserve better.
I think you are in a bit of a toxic relationship there. Your partner does not seem to understand you properly, or does not care. Either way I don't think this person is the right choice of partner for you.

And welcome to the forum.
I'm such a newbie, I don't know if I'm replying properly? But thank you so much! Both of you. Didn't think I would get anyone's attention, especially so fast? :D Thank you.
What I and my partner have, is pretty toxic, and we both know it but I always try to convince them that I will try to be less anxious (harder to do than said) if they strive just as much to be better for me. They seem to have this view on themselves that they're "perfect" and "normal" and it's impossible for them to be toxic/ to do anything wrong.
 
hicks

hicks

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From what you've said, this doesn't sound like a caring person.
Believe me, there are people out there who can and will support you much better. Move on!
 
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Nukelavee

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They seem to have this view on themselves that they're "perfect" and "normal" and it's impossible for them to be toxic/ to do anything wrong.
Despite what I said about learning to handle certain things better, his behaviour isn't healthy for you. Like, even people without BPD would find his personality toxic pretty quick.

-hug-
 
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bonnibell

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On teh one hand, yes, your partner is being toxic.

At teh same time - you shouldn't expect that people are going to do teh extra stuff you need to feel secure. I feel like our goal should be to learn to be OK with teh same consideration anybody else should receive, not to find people will to coddle and indulge our issues.

Learn to handle being alone, or people not being with you, without expecting them to always keep you informed about what they are doing, or where.
I get what you're saying! They are my "pole" that I lean on. I am terrified of being alone and is surely something I need to work on.
 
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Nukelavee

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It will take time and work to deal with. I'm getting better at it, but I do get minor episodes like that.

the thing is, until you manage to get more control, you'll be hostage to your emotions and whoever is your focus. If your focus is somebody who doesn't seem to care, or who sets you off more or less intentionally, you will always feel anxiety about relationship.

I hope it helps, a bit.
 
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timing

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You asked if you were being wrong. No you are not. Anyone in a relationship deserves better than someone telling them they are worthless or leaving in the middle of the night. Anyone would also have extreme anxiety in your situation.
Perhaps it should be you that leaves this non relationship. If you have any support systems you can tap (family, friends) to help you on your way, please consider. It may take time and another way to think of the situation to head you in the only healthy direction.
You only have one way to go when you get out of this, UP.
 

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