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Hi All,
This is my first time posting to any forum, it's been a rough couple of days and I could really use some feedback and encouragement.
My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me suddenly two days ago. Overall from my perspective our relationship was great-- I have never felt the connection I have with him with anyone else. Our similar sense of humor and the weird world the two of us created together was amazing and I have never been more sure that the relationship had the potential to last a lifetime. That is not to say it didn't have its issues, as all relationships do, but I didn't see any be all end all major problems and most time spent together was enjoyable. I'm devastated and really struggling to accept what happened as it was so sudden and I thought our relationship overall was pretty great.
There were some areas of concern that I noticed throughout our relationship that looking back now were flags that there was more going on than I originally thought. He would have major mood swings-- days that he would wake up so irritable for no apparent reason (more than the "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" every once and awhile), or one small thing would set him off and he'd withdraw, and it could take hours for him to pull out of it despite my efforts to cheer him up. I was willing to stick through these times because when he was feeling good, things were amazing between us. He got stressed easily as well-- for example, when asking what he had to do that night he'd list off the same tasks he performed daily (making lunch for work the next day, working out, etc.) in a way that told me he was stressed about getting those things done. He would get stressed about setting aside time for our relationship, not that I don't think that he enjoyed spending time together but I often felt like spending time together was a burden for him in the sense he could have been doing other things on his to-do list that would help him feel less stressed.
Our breakup came three days after a fight we had. The fight basically consisted of me just wanting to feel like we could talk through the things we may not see eye to eye on instead of him either avoiding telling me how he felt or if he did providing no rationale/conversation about why. For me, compromise and talking through things is a given thing that has to happen in order to have a successful relationship. I didn't think talking about it would result in us both walking out of the restaurant and driving off to our separate residences without saying goodbye.
Cue three days of minimum interaction of any sort. The texts I did get from him ranged from blaming me for bullying him to get my way (which I think was me asking for rationale from him that was misinterpreted) and the issue being me to stating the problem may be him and maybe he's not meant to be in a relationship. (Side note, we're both 28 and I'm his first girlfriend, so he's been basically alone his whole life and hasn't opened up to anyone on a deep level.)
I finally got him to agree to see me on the third day because barely talking and dragging out the disagreement was putting me in a very bad place emotionally (I struggle with anxiety issues). The conversation started with more of what I had done wrong, and then moved to that he is damaged from people hurting him in the past which affects the trust he has in our relationship, to how he gets stressed balancing his time and never feels like he has enough. By the end of the conversation he had admitted that he likes mundane routine because his mind races constantly and routine allows him to not have to think or sort out the racing thoughts. That he can't sort out his feelings about our relationship, and he's not sure if he's even cut out to be in one or what's going on. That it's not my fault, that I'm one of the best people he's ever met, and that I deserve more than having to deal with the mood swings and him withdrawing.
I expressed concern that some of what he was describing sounded like anxiety/depression and I was worried. I think that for the first time he really realized that something is wrong and it's not just "the way he is." We talked about therapy and medication and he seemed more open to the idea than I expected.
From what I've been reading, I should be giving him serious space right now for at least a few weeks so that he can sort through his feelings. But I also feel conflicted because 1) I worry about him- he tends to isolate and now that he's realized he needs help I don't want him to be alone 2) I want to be with him and I worry that too much space will do more harm than good. But I don't want to sit around hoping he'll get help, and have that never happen. Or if he gets help, he still realizes he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.
I would appreciate any thoughts/feedback/suggestions on the situation and how I should go forward. I've been crying on and off and really struggling with accepting that the person I love most in this world doesn't want to be with me right now.
This is my first time posting to any forum, it's been a rough couple of days and I could really use some feedback and encouragement.
My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me suddenly two days ago. Overall from my perspective our relationship was great-- I have never felt the connection I have with him with anyone else. Our similar sense of humor and the weird world the two of us created together was amazing and I have never been more sure that the relationship had the potential to last a lifetime. That is not to say it didn't have its issues, as all relationships do, but I didn't see any be all end all major problems and most time spent together was enjoyable. I'm devastated and really struggling to accept what happened as it was so sudden and I thought our relationship overall was pretty great.
There were some areas of concern that I noticed throughout our relationship that looking back now were flags that there was more going on than I originally thought. He would have major mood swings-- days that he would wake up so irritable for no apparent reason (more than the "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" every once and awhile), or one small thing would set him off and he'd withdraw, and it could take hours for him to pull out of it despite my efforts to cheer him up. I was willing to stick through these times because when he was feeling good, things were amazing between us. He got stressed easily as well-- for example, when asking what he had to do that night he'd list off the same tasks he performed daily (making lunch for work the next day, working out, etc.) in a way that told me he was stressed about getting those things done. He would get stressed about setting aside time for our relationship, not that I don't think that he enjoyed spending time together but I often felt like spending time together was a burden for him in the sense he could have been doing other things on his to-do list that would help him feel less stressed.
Our breakup came three days after a fight we had. The fight basically consisted of me just wanting to feel like we could talk through the things we may not see eye to eye on instead of him either avoiding telling me how he felt or if he did providing no rationale/conversation about why. For me, compromise and talking through things is a given thing that has to happen in order to have a successful relationship. I didn't think talking about it would result in us both walking out of the restaurant and driving off to our separate residences without saying goodbye.
Cue three days of minimum interaction of any sort. The texts I did get from him ranged from blaming me for bullying him to get my way (which I think was me asking for rationale from him that was misinterpreted) and the issue being me to stating the problem may be him and maybe he's not meant to be in a relationship. (Side note, we're both 28 and I'm his first girlfriend, so he's been basically alone his whole life and hasn't opened up to anyone on a deep level.)
I finally got him to agree to see me on the third day because barely talking and dragging out the disagreement was putting me in a very bad place emotionally (I struggle with anxiety issues). The conversation started with more of what I had done wrong, and then moved to that he is damaged from people hurting him in the past which affects the trust he has in our relationship, to how he gets stressed balancing his time and never feels like he has enough. By the end of the conversation he had admitted that he likes mundane routine because his mind races constantly and routine allows him to not have to think or sort out the racing thoughts. That he can't sort out his feelings about our relationship, and he's not sure if he's even cut out to be in one or what's going on. That it's not my fault, that I'm one of the best people he's ever met, and that I deserve more than having to deal with the mood swings and him withdrawing.
I expressed concern that some of what he was describing sounded like anxiety/depression and I was worried. I think that for the first time he really realized that something is wrong and it's not just "the way he is." We talked about therapy and medication and he seemed more open to the idea than I expected.
From what I've been reading, I should be giving him serious space right now for at least a few weeks so that he can sort through his feelings. But I also feel conflicted because 1) I worry about him- he tends to isolate and now that he's realized he needs help I don't want him to be alone 2) I want to be with him and I worry that too much space will do more harm than good. But I don't want to sit around hoping he'll get help, and have that never happen. Or if he gets help, he still realizes he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.
I would appreciate any thoughts/feedback/suggestions on the situation and how I should go forward. I've been crying on and off and really struggling with accepting that the person I love most in this world doesn't want to be with me right now.