• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

My OH

greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
1,027
Location
north norfolk
Hi

I don't really know where to start!

I met my OH nearly 5 years ago. He was going through a bad time with one of his daughters which ended in his 3 kids living with their aunt and only seeing him once a fortnight at a contact centre. He was depressed back then but on a high because we had met. I had my own issues due to my Mother, but I was not as bad as him. After aprox a year of seeing him I fell pregnant with our son, then just after he was born I moved in with my OH, and lost my Dad.

When I moved in things rapidly went down hill, he was forever criticizing my house cleaning skills, I know I'm not brilliant at it but, when you do what has been suggested and still get told the house is a shithole it's kind of soul destroying. I was still grieving for my Dad, which he said I should have got over within weeks:confused: Any time I tried to talk to him about anything that was bothering me he would say here we go again. Then one day I got to the point where I couldn't do it any more.

I Flipped, I went completely nutty, I was so frustrated that I pulled my hair out, everything was smoothed over and we decided to get married. Then he decided that we needed to move so we did, then when we had any disagreements he always told me that we moved because of me. Through all of this he was sporadically taking Anti depressants.

I had by then decided that he wasn't going to treat me so bad and was for ever giving as good as I got, so he started on my OS, who then because petrified of him. I was at the point where I wanted out and was looking into finding somewhere to live with my boys.

Then we had a house fire! We spent 6 months in temporary accommodation while they did the house up and we moved back in. That was the biggest mistake we made. I had a melt down. I ended up on a high dose of Mirtazipine mainly because I couldn't sleep, he meanwhile was trying to hold the family together. I was not my self for about 7 months.

I then had another complete flip, this time I scratched my face, I couldn't do it any more. being where I was was slowly destroying me. I moved in with my Mum with the boys and found somewhere to live. I have been here ever since.

My OH decided that he didn't want to be on his own and tried to commit suicide, I found him. I have no desire to go through all that again.

BUT because I am a prawn we now see him just as much as we were before, he seems to be angry all the time, we have spats and the only defence I have now is 'if you don't like it go home' he is not happy with the state of my house , he is not happy with my OS at all and can get quite grumpy with YS. I feed him most days and he doesn't help out with any money. He pleads poverty, which I understand, when I say I'm not exactly rolling in money he is all sympathetic then he says why don't we go somewhere with the kids. I have now started saying who's paying because if I don't it's always me.

My OS is now saying again that he doesn't want him here coz when he isn't it's more peaceful, my YS doesn't really want anything to do with his dad, he won't even hold his hand. The other day my OH upset me and I told him to go home and my YS basically said the same thing (he's only 4).

What do I do?

I support him and I understand what he is going through, he is now doing counselling although having sorted it out he has missed more than gone to and he was going to cancel this week as well, due to money issues!! I am at present gophering for him and I am sick of it, but if I don't then he won't sort himself out. I also feel that if I stay out of his life completely then he might try to commit suicide again, I don't want to find him! been there done that, never again.

HELP!!

Sorry about the long post.
 
shaun3210

shaun3210

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,805
Location
Up North
After reading your post my first reaction was to say ...think of your kid’s and sod him!

I know it’s not that simple because you are concerned about him and that he doesn’t do something stupid, but he has to take reasonability for his actions and behaviour, which affects both you and the kid’s, which isn’t on no matter how ill he is, you are trying to help him get thru this by the sounds of it ...In my opinion he really shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds him!!!

...To perfectly honest if he doesn’t like the state of your house tell him to roll his sleeves up and get on with tidying it up!!!
 
greebobeebo

greebobeebo

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 3, 2009
Messages
1,027
Location
north norfolk
I have been wandering through a web site for recovering Alcoholics and Narcotics users. I am the one that has issues with Alcohol (I am sorting it before I become an Alcoholic). There is a thread on there about co dependency, the things that you do for your OH because they say they can't do it and the things that are said to send you on a guilt trip etc. I felt that I was reading about my self but with someone who is depressed.

When we were living together and I was in the depths of my depression he still insisted that I do all the paperwork because he couldn't do it (learning difficulties, lousy at spelling and writing, but not Dyslexic). I was doing paperwork for benefits nearly once a fortnight, I had to fill in a 30 page form every time. I hated it, I dragged myself out of my hole briefly to tell him that I wasn't doing it any more. He got all grumpy at me and said it wan't his fault. He was working part time for a marquee erector who was taking the piss, I said all he had to do was either have a job or not and stop being walked over. So he gave up the job. Then blamed me for it.

When I left him I told him I still wasn't prepared to do his paperwork so he gets his friend to do it. The only thing is I still ferry him to his Seva appointments, which is a forty minute drive an hours wait and another forty minute drive home. I will be telling him to find his own way there, I just don't know when.

Then he comes to my house, starts picking magazines up and putting them in the bin. One my YS hadn't even looked at. He got all huffy with me coz I told him not to throw it away.

He suggests we go for a swim, we get in the car and have the usual pre outing grumpiness, then he suggests we go for a subway, it wasn't until we got there that I asked how much he was contributing, something I normally do before we go anywhere. But for some reason didn't yesterday. So again I was the one paying the most.

Then we take the hound for a walk and he flicks a stick at my leg which hurt and I sez 'Thanx for that' and gets all arsy again which means I then get arsy back, he's telling me he didn't do it and I'm saying yes you did, to the point where I say ' No, I know who it was it was Mr Nobody, he did it' then he says he didn't mean to do it and I say I know that, he says I shouldn't have accused him of doing it in a nasty way so I say it doesn't matter how I say it you will always take it the wrong way. Then I told him I had enough and I didn't want him at home, which he proceeded to ignore and didn't leave until just before 9.

He doesn't like it when I see my Mum cos I tend to say things to him that he doesn't like, and he seems to think that I have no mind of my own when it comes to these decisions. I am amazed he never blamed my Mum for me moving out.

Long post again sorry.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
sorry for the short post but i am not to good with writting,i think you should give up on him and dont let him hurt you anymore,you have tryed & he has had more then anuff chances to fix things,now its time to forget that pig

sorry if that last word offended you but it makes me sick when i read stuff like this :(,he cannot love you & this is no good to you
 
scottsblue

scottsblue

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 20, 2008
Messages
1,902
Location
England
i dont know anything about long term relationships but if somone is being really arsy all the time how could you ever be happy around them, but then arent most men arsy about nothing alot of the time.
i could easally count on one hand with fingers to spare the number of decent men i`ve worked with hew havent been a constant pain in the arss, i still wish i could go back in time and take those jobs back tho.
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Have you a Social Worker, or are in contact with the mental health Team. if not I should contact them. tey will give you the infomation you need a tp wjp tp cpmtact amd where/ I think you must consider the children first. In my opinion the atmosphere must be doing them [sychological harm. In my opinion you need professional support. so in my opinion you will have to go out and get it.as they don't come to you without a request. Your g.P. might be thie first contact.
 
Last edited:
Top